Tuesday, November 8, 2011

11/1/11 The Big !@#$ Story So Far - Take II


Immortal. Superpowered. Drunk.

Highly conservative. Queer as !@#$. Out as Hell.

Killed Hitler with his bare hands. Saved the lives of three Presidents. Had to shoot one.

Safeguarded the world more times than he'd care to count, really, but if you listen carefully, and parse out all the !@#$, you might just learn about one or two on the sly. 

Leader of The COMPANY. Resident of The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G. Head of SPYGOD SCOUTS.

Owner of METALMAID and one of the last few flying spy cars left in existence. At least until persons still mostly unknown blew it out from under him.

The one they call in when a "strategic talent" has to take a dirt nap. (Do not remind him of this.)

Since The War, SPYGOD has been a major player in the international spy game. From his post at The COMPANY, he has overseen America's part in the zero-sum dance that keeps the world from being annihilated, invaded, eaten, or just plan vanished. Sometimes this involves the use of Supers, sometimes conventional forces, and sometimes just a single bullet in the right place (or head).

Until earlier this year, the dance involved detente with hideous partners; mostly leftovers from World War II or the Cold War that followed. In a sane, rational world, those partners would have been wiped out ages ago. However, given their global entrenchment, and capacity -- and willingness -- to create and employ doomsday devices, it was decided to dance instead of destroy.

Put bluntly, the world and its governments could handle risking a few hundred dead a year, but not the millions or billions risked by all-out war against the likes of ABWEHR, HONEYCOMB, or GORGON.

This year, SPYGOD decided that, in the words of Groovie Mann, some have to dance, some have to kill. One large explosion later, the dancing years were over, and all the world's science terrorist and supervillain organizations were on notice. All their asses are belong to him.

(Did it make him popular amongst the spy community? !@#$ no. But that's never stopped him before.)

The first salvo was against ABWEHR, when he invaded their Ice Palace in Antarctica, putting a stop to their inhumane breeding program, and the mother monster behind it, as well as purging it of any leftover surprises.

The second salvo was against GORGON, whom he learned was routing its communications through the wondrous global defense platform codenamed Deep Ten. One massively surreal punking later, he tricked them into revealing their true location.

Unfortunately, they were waiting for him, and set out several nasty operatives to deal with him - harshly.

In true SPYGOD fashion he alone survived, but came back to life to discover that The President felt The COMPANY's presence was no longer required at the South Pole. From now on the United Nations, along with America's favorite son Mr. USA (SPYGOD's personal nemesis) would be looking after things, there.

(It's like the President had a grudge or something?)

Still, it's not like he was entirely surprised -- in fact, he'd already planned ahead. There was no way he was going to let those blue-helmeted commies have access to a powerful and mysterious alien artifact, now was he?

Getting back on the horse proved challenging, as GORGON had quietly and messily vacated their island paradise. He was also involved in a strange interlude where he was turned into a cartoon, and exiled to a cartoon colony "for his own good." In true SPYGOD style he was present, but deniably plausible for the ensuing patient revolt and exodus.

Then came a wave of assassination attempts, all involving his own weakness. Small but potentially-deadly nuisances gave way to a truly monstrous assassin -- Moloch -- and it became clear that one of his biggest secrets had gotten out of the bag. But who was trying to kill him, this time?

(Hint: not Colonel Khadaffy, though he might have had reasons.)

While fighting more than usual for survival, SPYGOD started to go after another target: HONEYCOMB, who quite clearly have it coming. An attempt to attack Neo York City during one of its citywide conversion processes led to a gruesome discovery in South Korea, which led to SPYGOD making a controversial statement in his own unique idiom.

This, in turn, led to letting the organized super-crime outfit Legion know he was coming after them, too, in a roundabout way. (More on that later.)

Tired of being used as a punching bag by !@#$holes who knew his super-secret weakness, he challenged Moloch to a fight. But Moloch threw him the mother of all curve balls and he died. Sort of.

Thus began the surreal spectacle of SPYGOD coming back to life, just to wind up dying several dozen times. It turns out it was all a ruse to lure out whoever was trying to kill him, but that produced some mixed results.

(It may have also compromised his effectiveness in the field, if the overly-publicized misadventure in Libya just prior to Colonel Khaddafy's inglorious end is any indication.)

Now what? Traitors are poised to strike from within. Fiendish plots are being laid. Questions remain unanswered.

And there's still a lot of enemies to take down. Starting with HONEYCOMB... or is that the Legion? Depends on whom you ask.

SPYGOD. A massive !@#$hole, yes. But, God help us, he's our !@#$hole. And heavily armed.

(SPYGOD is listening to Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood) See if you can find him in the video! Hint: not the fat dude on the balcony)

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