Friday, July 1, 2011

6/29 - 7/1/11 - No Rest for the Wicked


(DATE: 6/30/11 - TIME: 19:24- 19:45)


MR. USA: Sir, reporting as ordered.

POTUS: Thank you for coming, (NAME REDACTED). You know, you really don't have to salute me.

MR. USA: I think it's only right, sir. You are my commander in chief.

VPOTUS: How come you never salute, me, (NAME REDACTED)?

MR. USA: You'll have to take that up with the voters in a few elections, sir.


POTUS: Well, let's get right down to it. You want a beer, (NAME REDACTED)? We can call this a beer meeting.

MR. USA: No thank you, sir. Just some ice water, please.

VPOTUS: I'd have thought you'd have had enough !@#$ ice to last a lifetime, down there.

POTUS: You can't cuss in front of Mr. USA, Joe. It's unpatriotic.

MR. USA: I've heard worse, sir. Ask the Secretary. I remember when he was just a private in Korea.

SOD: Heh. Well, I think the less we remember about that the better, (NAME REDACTED). We've all got some war stories best left in the war.

POTUS: Well, if we're talking about what I think we're talking about, I am having that beer.

VPOTUS: Make that a double for me.

SOD: Give it to us straight, (NAME REDACTED). SPYGOD. He is alive?

MR. USA: Yes he is. I don't pretend to know how he made it out of West Papua alive after everything that happened, but I can confirm that he is alive and recuperating in Jakarta. And he has lost none of his... eccentricities.

POTUS: Yeah, I've been fielding some interesting phone calls from the Indonesian Ambassador. Did he actually have a whole wing of the hospital dancing a conga in the nude?

MR. USA: I do believe he did, sir.

VPOTUS: Holy !@#$. Was that his, what is it, SPYGOD vision?

SOD: Actually, sir, I think he just talked them into it. We believe he has the power to unconsciously lower people's inhibitions just by being in their presence.

POTUS: So the head of our most powerful intelligence agency is a human intoxicant?

MR. USA: It would explain a lot of things at The COMPANY, sir.

VPOTUS: Well, here, (NAME REDACTED)/ Back the train up a bit. You got these transmissions, here. This unauthorized trip into Indonesia to root out, who was it, GORGON?

SOD: That's correct, sir. He had reason to believe their main base was in West Papua and sent in some operatives to ascertain the situation on the ground. They sent back some very strange reports and then fell off the radar, so he and some Agents went in. After that, well... the transmissions are pretty clear as to what happened, and who caused it.

POTUS: Aging Japanese super war criminals?

MR. USA: They're nothing to laugh at, sir. We lost a lot of good people to Japan's strategic talents during the War, and they turn up every once in a while, elsewhere. If anything, it's a miracle we got so many of them to go along with the Occupation.

SOD: It's also a miracle he survived at all. That last person he was up against, the black hole lady?

MR. USA: Black Star, sir. I've tangled with her, too, before. Not a pleasant experience.

SOD: Well, she had him so bad that he was actually calling for a strike on the area, just to be sure she didn't get away.

VPOTUS: Did you?

MR. USA: Well, that wasn't my decision to make, sir. I tried to point out that there were doubtlessly civilians nearby, but the Agents were quite adamant on carrying out his last wishes. They activated a plowshare in geosynchronous orbit and sent down a rod. I'm sure you felt the blast here. It obliterated about twenty miles of the landscape.

POTUS: Oh. Oh !@#$.

VPOTUS: So... any blowback from Indonesia?

SOD: I don't think they know it was the Agency, sir. And so far as it stays that way, I think we're okay.

MR. USA: I think we should tell them what we did and why, sir. It's the right thing to do. Besides, if they did have GORGON operating on their soil for so long, I don't think they can really complain too loudly if we had to act to stop something truly catastrophic from happening.

POTUS: What would be the truly catastrophic thing, (NAME REDACTED)?

MR. USA: Having SPYGOD's body fall into the wrong hands. That's part of why I'm here today, sir.

VPOTUS: Well, go on with the rest of the story, (NAME REDACTED). How did he get from the crater to Jakarta?

MR. USA: That's the bit we're still trying to figure out, sir. There was no trace of him, Dark Star, or any of the GORGON agents at the blast center. If you don't find a body, don't expect them to be dead, but I'm hard pressed to imagine anyone surviving that kind of blast.

POTUS: But SPYGOD did, correct?

MR. USA: Correct. Apparently he was dropped off at a small hospital in Jakarta by two Indian men, one of whom was badly scarred and wore an eyepatch. The other may have been a strategic talent named Daksha. I believe he teleports.


POTUS: And then?

MR. USA: And then he was asleep for twenty four hours, awake but unresponsive for a day and a night, and then started up a party. I think he's managed to find all the liquor stashes in the city and drain them.

SOD: Standard operating procedure for our SPYGOD, sir.

POTUS: Well, at least we don't have to worry about succession at The COMPANY. But what's on your mind, (NAME REDACTED)?

MR. USA: Well, sir, I've known (NAME REDACTED) since World War II. I've fought alongside him, worked with him, came up through Camp Rogers with him. And I have to say that, while he is an extremely capable defender of America's interests, and a very useful strategic talent, he's also become a major embarrassment. I'm sure you know what it's like to be SPYGODed, by now, sir.

POTUS: Oh, do I ever.

MR. USA: I'm not saying he shouldn't be in charge of The COMPANY any longer, sir. But I do think it might be a good thing if he wasn't put in charge of anything really internationally sensitive until he gets his act straight. This decision on his part to upset the apple cart as badly as he did... it's having serious repercussions around the world.

VPOTUS: It was also the right thing to do, quite frankly. And I know we had a lot of good intelligence coming out of how we had things before. But you gotta admit, it's a good thing to have evil people on the run for a change. I hear HONEYCOMB's pulling back a lot--

MR. USA: Yes, sir. And now that they're pulling back and killing their double agents, how do we find out where they are, or what they're going to do next? This is the kind of information we're missing out on, now. And the stunt with The Chamber in the Ice Palace, that just kind of seals the deal, sir.

POTUS: Well, I don't feel comfortable telling a god where to get off when he wants to protect his own country, (NAME REDACTED). And I can't agree with all his methods, but he hasn't gone so far off the ranch that we can't rope him back in if we need to. But I tell you what. As soon as he's back on his feet, I will order him to remove himself from the Ice Palace, and leave it up to the UN mission you're heading up to deal with. Can that work, you think?

MR. USA: I don't think it sends a strong enough message, sir. But if you think that's best, I'll sign off on it.

VPOTUS: I think we should just blow that whole place up and salt the remains. Nothing good's coming out of playing around with that Chamber thing.

MR. USA: And that's another thing, sir. I'd like to have Doctor Yesterday and his family look into helping us with unlocking The Chamber. If anyone can do it, it's them.

POTUS: I think I can arrange that. Anything else.

SOD: I think that's all we really need, sir. But if you don't mind my asking, I thought this would be a lot tougher a sell?

POTUS: Well, gentlemen, it's like this. I've got an election to win in a little over a year. I've got an economy in the tubes and a lot of problems I inherited from the last Administration to deal with. The last thing I need is to have some crazy stunt by SPYGOD go so bad that it takes me down along with him. So if yanking him out of the Ice Palace gets the point across that he needs to stay cooler than he's being, I'm okay with that. But let's not forget who is he, and what he's done, and what he can do, either, shall we?

MR. USA: I think I can agree to that, sir. Good day.

SOD: Good day, sirs.


VPOTUS: God what a !@#$. Are you really going to give in like that?

POTUS: I am. (NAME REDACTED) isn't wrong about this. But I've got my own reasons for not wanting SPYGOD down in Antarctica any longer, Joe. And you know better than to ask.

VPOTUS: I guess not. Good thing I asked for two beers, then.

POTUS: Cheers.

VPOTUS: Cheers.

(Mr. USA is thinking of The Man Who Sold the World (David Bowie) and drinking ice water)

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