Saturday, September 3, 2011

9/1/11 - Talking with the President


OPERATOR: Hello, is this SPYGOD?

SPYGOD: It !@#$ well is, sweetie. Who the !@#$ is this?

OPERATOR: Please stand by to receive a call from the President of the United States of--

SPYGOD: Blah blah !@#$ blah. Put him on, !@#$ it.


SPYGOD: No, this is his Asian stunt double, Fred. SPYGOD's out back smoking a cigar the size of a battleship. And you wouldn't believe who it's attached to.

POTUS: Um, okay. I don't think I want to know what that meant.

SPYGOD: Well that's why I'm in charge of The COMPANY, Mr. President. I go places you don't want to go, see things above your pay grade, and !@#$ them in the !@#$ with guns for America.

POTUS: I see. So there was some overriding issue of national security that necessitated your publicly urinating on the grave of General Park Chung-hee, last night?

SPYGOD: Well, no... not really, sir. Spending the previous two days !@#$ing !@#$ up in Incheon was an issue of national security. Peeing on that !@#$'s grave was just stress relief. And overdue revenge.

POTUS: *sighs* Okay, you know, this is not how I expected this call to go.

SPYGOD: If you called to hear me say the magic "sorry" word, sir, you are sorely mistaken. I regret nothing.

POTUS: You... regret nothing?

SPYGOD: That's !@#$ right.

POTUS: Look, I get a phone call telling me that the Seoul police found you roaring drunk, buck naked, and peeing on the grave of one of their national heroes--

SPYGOD: Actually, I was still wearing my high heels, sir.

POTUS: Look--

SPYGOD: The red ones that light up, act as backup phones, and spray eyeball-eating gas out the back.

POTUS: You know--

SPYGOD: Which, you'll be happy to know, were not used on the park police when they came by and did their honest duty. In fact, if you ask them you'll find I was a perfect gentleman once they explained the magnitude of my error.

POTUS: They say you tried to start a homosexual orgy--

SPYGOD: And the only people who think General Park was a !@#$ hero are all in their !@#$ 70's and dropping like flies. The man was a dirty !@#$ bastard who ran disappearance squads and put a rubber stamp on HONEYCOMB using their people as test subjects.

POTUS: Yes, I have read your initial report--

SPYGOD: They should be lucky I didn't eat half the bulgogi in town and take an elephant-sized !@#$ on his grave! Except I think it'd probably gain some weird kind of sentience and go eat a few buildings.


SPYGOD: I mean, sometimes I think I hear my !@#$ screaming when I flush the commode. Have you ever had that happen to you?

POTUS: The President of South Korea is furious. I'm furious. The only reason the press isn't having a field day with this is because Libya is in the headlines, right now!

SPYGOD: Yeah, I bet they are. Did you tell my friends in the other Company that they should have been a little more careful when they got into bed with Khaddafy's people? There's a reason we wear protection in this business.

POTUS: I've already had words with them.

SPYGOD: Yeah, I bet you told them.

POTUS: Now that's just--

SPYGOD: You know I can hear them laughing right now, right? Something about a dumb-!@#$ moron who doesn't understand how this business works reprimanding them for taking any avenue they could in order to deal with a potential asset, in spite of his numerous shortcomings.

POTUS: Well, yes, the Director did mention that.

SPYGOD: Minus the parts about your being a dumb-!@#$, I'm sure.

POTUS: Well, what do you want me to say?

SPYGOD: The truth would be a nice thing, once in a while. But we know you have a problem with that, don't we, Mr. President?

POTUS: Oh, Jesus !@#$ Christ. That is it. I want your letter of resignation on my desk first thing tomorrow morning, once you sober up and make it back to D.C.


POTUS: No? What the !@#$ do you mean no?

SPYGOD: I mean no, Mr. President. I am not resigning. You will have to fire me.

POTUS: I thought I just did.

SPYGOD: No, you asked me to resign. That's something entirely different. That makes it sound like it's my idea, and then you can always say you're sorry to see me go. If you have to fire me, that's a whole different busload of prison fish.

POTUS: Not from where I'm standing.

SPYGOD: Then sit down a second, sir. Because then you have to say why. And then you have to explain why this particular excretory outburst from yours truly is any different from any other time I've whipped the glowing alien mansnake out and peed on something sacred. And then you have to explain to everyone, which includes your colleagues, your own intelligence agencies, the worldwide intelligence community, and, most importantly, the American voting public, why this was necessary. And what the blazing living !@#$ are you going to tell them?

POTUS: ...

SPYGOD: Yeah, that's what I thought. You can't tell them a god!@#$ thing because there is nothing. To. Tell. I get drunk, I get !@#$ up, I shoot guns at people who probably don't deserve it, I expose myself in public, and have probably done even more outrageous and inappropriate things than you and I both know about because my overworked but well-compensated COMPANY spin teams are so good that sometimes they can even reverse the !@#$ flow of time itself. And yet, if you ask most Americans about good old SPYGOD, they give me a glowing 95% approval rating almost every !@#$ time.

POTUS: Because you killed Hitler.

SPYGOD: Because I killed Hitler. Because I kept the commies from nuking us back in the Cold War. Because I fought SQUASH to a standstill, and beyond. Because I helped keep those idiot Jihadis from flying planes into buildings. Because when the Computer Hell Virus hit NYC, I was the one who held it off while Dr. Yesterday and his people found the way to stop it. Because when GORGON takes over a town, or HONEYCOMB pulls another science raid, or the Legion's in fine form yet again, I'm the one who rolls in and deals with their !@#$. Because I just blew up Outland, and stomped ABWEHR, and--

POTUS: After years of letting them slide. After years of sitting on your !@#$ and letting them get away with murder just so you could stop them from doing something worse.

SPYGOD: ... I know. It was the way we used to do things. I never liked it.

POTUS: You never liked it? Well that's good to know, SPYGOD. Now imagine me having to realize that I'd inherited that terrible history the moment I stepped into this position. Imagine me now knowing that I was partially responsible for all those deaths. When I read the report when I got into the Oval Office I had to not cry. 

SPYGOD: Well at least you fought crying. Your predecessor just shrugged it the !@#$ off.

POTUS: You never did like him, did you?

SPYGOD: No, but I don't like you, either.

POTUS: Gee, thanks.

SPYGOD: The difference is I would like to like you, Mr. President. You seem like someone who actually thinks about things, once in a while. Your predecessor left that up to his cabinet. We all know how that went.

POTUS: We can't think of everything. That's why we have a cabinet.

SPYGOD: And you can't deal with everything, either. That's why you have people like me.

POTUS: And the other Company.

SPYGOD: Whether we can trust them to clean up after their own !@#$ mess or not.

POTUS: So what are you suggesting, here? I can't just let this slide.

SPYGOD: Mind control.

POTUS: What?

SPYGOD: I was under mind control. We'll blame someone disposable from the Legion. I'll go deal with him or her with extreme prejudice, probably well overdue. And then we can all laugh about it the next time we're at the UN.

POTUS: Are you... are you !@#$ing with me?

SPYGOD: In return, I won't say anything about the real reason you wanted me out of Ice Palace.

POTUS: ...

SPYGOD: Remember, SPYGOD hears all.

POTUS: So where's GORGON?

SPYGOD: ... we're working on it.

POTUS: I certainly hope so.

SPYGOD: Mr. President, back when we started The COMPANY, I promised the President at the time that we would, forever more, do our best to protect America from all threats beyond the scope of normal intelligence to handle. Maybe we haven't always been successful, and maybe some of the things we've done to do it have been questionable. But in the end we've done our best. I don't go for the whole 'history will judge us' bull!@#$ because it doesn't mean anything in the here and now, and that's what ultimately matters at the end of the day. But if I can keep us all alive and safe for another day, I call it a day well spent. Even if it involves me peeing on General Park's grave for an entire hour when I clock out.

POTUS: There's gonna come a time when your best won't be good enough, SPYGOD. You do know that, don't you?

SPYGOD: Maybe more than you realize, sir.

POTUS: Okay, then. Mind control. I'll let you have your spin teams handle the fallout. Try not to make a mess of it, okay?

SPYGOD: I think we'll be alright, sir. This isn't my first round of Blame The Bad Guy, you know.

POTUS: I know. That's what scares me.

SPYGOD: Good afternoon, sir.


(SPYGOD is listening to I Am The Best (2NE1) and drinking a suspicious microbrew in Seoul)

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