Saturday, October 8, 2011

10/5/11 - More Crass Commercialism - SPYGOD's ABCs (pt 1)

Note: This was done as a mockup for a book project by The COMPANY's licensing and merchandising wing. It was going to be presented as a children's book for adults, much in the same vein as "Mommy! There are Liberals Under My Bed!" 

Given the poor sales of such things, the project was quietly mooted. However, as the recent success of such works as "Go The !@#$ To Sleep," the copy's been moved back onto review pile. 

Whether SPYGOD will approve is a matter of some conjecture. As of this writing, the licensing reps are drawing straws to see who has the pleasure of calling him up to get a preliminary approval. 

No one wants to draw the short straw.

A is for !@#$hole

And boy, is SPYGOD ever a massive one, kids! He's been known to shoot people for moving too slow, too fast, and not at all! He blows up people's cars for getting in his way, steals their money, and spends it at the Gucci store! Even powerful people like Presidents and Superheroes are afraid of him, and what he might do, but it's all done in the defense of the U S of A, so it must be okay!

Put another way -- he's an !@#$hole, but he's our !@#$hole. For America.

But you still have to mind your parents, keep your hands to yourself, and watch your mouth. You'll understand when you're older!

B is for The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G.

Invented by the insane, fat, and disgusting Dr. Grosz in the late 1940's, The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G. was a giant weapon disguised as a skyscraper. It was built in New York City over a period of four years, starting at the end of World War II. The porky mad doctor almost had the last laugh on America, but SPYGOD and The Liberty Patrol figured out what he was up to and stopped the weapon before the countdown started!

Exactly what the device was meant to do is still highly classified, and large parts of it have been sealed off and walled up forever to stop it from getting into the wrong hands. To safeguard it, The Liberty Patrol made it their headquarters, and after the Patrol was disbanded, during the Korean War, it was handed over to The COMPANY.

Now SPYGOD lives there, making sure its secrets stay secret! No one gets up there without his express invitation, kids, so don't even try to sneak in. (Unless you're over the age of 18 and have something he might want.) 

C is for The COMPANY

The COMPANY (not to be mistaken with the Central Intelligence Agency, who are spineless wimps by comparison) is the best spy agency in the world! Anyone who says otherwise is an America-hating Communist, because SPYGOD says so!

The COMPANY deals with threats that are above the normal things that other spy agencies could ever handle, even on their best days. Every day they fight science terrorists, supervillains, and other countries' strategic talents! They stop invasions of all kinds, intervene in situations where superhuman threats are disrupting other nations' welfare and commerce, and put an end to the abuse of science!

The COMPANY has two headquarters. The Heptagon, in Washington D.C, is where they train Agents, park most of their amazing vehicles, and do the majority of their research. The Flier is their mobile base of operations, able to travel the world at lightning-fast speeds to fight any threat, anywhere!

(There's also rumored to be a secret, third base somewhere, but where it is and what it's named is completely unknown, even to most COMPANY Agents! How's that for top secret, kids?) 

D is for Drunk

Yes, kids, SPYGOD is a drunk, a junkie, and several other things as well. He spends most of his day completely !@#$ up on alcohol, drugs, and strange, exotic substances that bring him up, drag him down, stop his heart, and turn his brains to jelly for a whole minute. In fact, some of the things he sticks into himself don't even exist in this reality!

They say that no less than Hunter S. Thompson once described him as "the single most !@#$ed up human being I have ever encountered, including my attorney," Timothy Leary told him to "lay off the stuff, man," and the Grateful Dead went off all substances after seeing him in action.

(Well, okay, they only gave it up for a week. But it was still a week without drugs. They took up Rolfing, instead. It did not help.)

The official reason for this magnificent self-abuse is that, because SPYGOD's senses are so hyper-attuned, he has to cripple his brain through this punishment, or else he would go incurably insane. And, since his immortal body can't be destroyed, it all works out in the end. However, people who knew him during World War II say that he was a massive drunk, even then, so this may be total bull!@#$.

Either way, kids, just remember that SPYGOD can take all the booze and drugs he wants, for America, but you still have to keep your noses clean. Again, you'll understand when you get older. 

E is for Eyepatch

SPYGOD wears an eyepatch. It's big, it's black, and it's made out of special leather. The leather comes from an animal that's been extinct for millions of years, and it's the only thing that can really cover up the light from the Chandra Eye. If he didn't wear it, the stark horror and raw power of the Eye would make anyone who saw it go blind, mad, and incontinent in less than a second.

(Incontinent is a fancy way of saying you poop in your pants. No one likes that !@#$.)

Every so often SPYGOD lets someone catch a little peek of the Chandra Eye. He calls this SPYGOD VISION, and it does no one any good at all. He can even use SPYGOD VISION over the phone, or through a television. So it's a good idea not to be mean or rude to him, because he can make you !@#$ yourself from half the world away!

The Eye makes him immortal and all-seeing, but the human brain wasn't made to operate that way. This is why he's such a massive !@#$ drunk. It sounds like a lousy excuse, but maybe someday, when you're older, and the weight of a lifetime of bad decisions and dumb mistakes are staring you in the face, and you need to drink half your weight in Tequila Sunrises to begin to forget every !@#$ stupid thing you ever did, you'll begin to understand.

Until then, do everyone a favor and keep your !@#$ do-gooder bull!@#$ to yourself. No one needs to hear it, kid. 

F is for The Flier

The Flier is The COMPANY's mobile headquarters. It's the size of three aircraft carriers put together, it goes around the world in twelve hours on a good day, carries enough aircraft to blow the !@#$ out of most small, unfriendly countries without them having to come back for rearming and refueling, and has enough weapons on board to blow up whatever the planes miss.

The Flier generally floats around Neo York City so it can pick SPYGOD up in the morning. Or it might be on patrol anywhere in the world. So all you kids out there reading this book in something other than American English be sure to tell your stupid, socialist leaders to play nice with America, or else you might be seeing it overhead real !@#$ soon. 

G is for Guns

Guns? Oh yes. SPYGOD carries guns. He carries a lot of guns. Sometimes he carries twice his weight in guns, through means that no one really needs to understand but him.

And, given the effect the Chandra Eye has had on his private parts, he is a gun, technically. And he's almost always ready to go off, so don't make him angry, okay?


H is for Hitler

Adolph Hitler was a really bad man who tried to take over the world, back in the early 20th century. If you have to have us explain why, or what he did, then your school obviously !@#$ sucks, and you should have your parents sue your teachers for malpractice. Seriously.

The important thing to know is that Hitler got all of Germany's superheroes and supervillains to join the Nazi party (if they wanted to live) and sent them off to fight other countries. The fighting was known as World War II, and, even though most Americans didn't want to get involved, smart people like President Roosevelt knew that it was only a matter of time before we would have no choice.

So they started recruiting American superheroes and supervillains to fight, and found ways to make ordinary people into superheroes. SPYGOD was one of the superheroes they made, and he fought in World War II, in Europe. And one day, after stalking him for weeks in the ruins of Germany, he killed Hitler with his bare hands!

It didn't end the war, of course, but it made it a lot harder for Germany to keep fighting when their beloved junkie !@#$ Fuhrer was dead. And this is why SPYGOD can do just about whatever the !@#$ he wants, kids. He killed Hitler. He !@#$ killed Hitler. Killed him D E A D.

There's a lesson here, somewhere. Maybe someday you'll learn what it is. Hopefully it won't be because you did it, yourself. 

I is for Immortality 

Immortality means you live forever. But nothing is supposed to live forever. All living things are supposed to get old, stop working, and die.

Your parents are going to get old and die. Your pets are going to get old and die, probably sooner than your parents do. And your grandparents are probably already old, so they're going to die pretty !@#$ soon, so make sure you're good when you're at their house or they might cut you out of the will.

You are also going to die, kids. You might not even get to be old, first. You might get a bad disease, get killed in an accident, or get shot at school. You might even get that nasty thing where you suddenly start aging really fast, shrivel up like a mummy, and croak of old age before you're fourteen. Life is !@#$ cruel that way.

But that's how life works. We're born, we live, we !@#$ things up, we die. Immortality means we !@#$ things up forever and ever, and never learn from those mistakes because there's no sense of impending doom or shortness of season to make us want to learn better, and stop being such a !@#$ dumb!@#$, and mend our ways.

Immortality means we are dumb!@#$% from now until the end of !@#$ time, itself. Which is why most gods are apparently major !@#$holes who don't learn a !@#$ thing.

Not mentioning any SPYGOD names, here. No sir. Just flip the page over and hopefully he won't have heard you reading this out loud.

(But if the phone rings in the next minute, don't answer it.) 

J is for Japanazis 

(ED. NOTE: Look, Florence. I know this is humor, and I know we can be kind of risque, here, but for !@#$ sake, this is the 21st century. I really don't think it's appropriate to refer to people who fought on the losing side of World War II in this way. You wouldn't use the N-word in context, would you? That's how this word rings, now. It brings up nasty memories of internment camps and anti-German sentiment, and we'd rather not offend in such a way as to get ethnic groups on our !@#$. 

(Find something else for J, please. Maybe Jack Off? I know he can kill people with that weird, mutant penis of his...)

(SPYGOD is listening to King for a Day (XTC) and drinking the blood of an advertising executive)

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