Wednesday, September 28, 2011

9/24/11 - Round Three

(The Empty Quarter, Saudi Arabia, just North of 50'30 by 19'30, 4:30 in the PM)

Agent 3: Agent (REDACTED) reporting for shift change.

Agent 1: About !@#$ time. Where's your partner?

Agent 3: She's in the latrine. Something about lunch not agreeing with her.

Agent 2: She ate the shwarma, didn't she? 

Agent 3: I think so. Why?

Agent 1: Never eat the !@#$ shwarma, man. Something about the pickled veggies kills most people's GI tracts worse than bug spray !@#$ up wasps. Stick with the kebabs, next time.

Agent 2: Shish, dude. Shish. Kebab is the lamb. Tawouk is the chicken. Shish is the cooking method. If he hears you talking like that he'll !@#$ cornhole you with both kinds until you got it straight.

Agent 3: He can't hear us, can he?

Agent 2: I ain't taking no !@#$ chances. What else does he have to listen to out there? Sidewinders !@#$ing?

Agent 1: So how long is he just going to hide out there, anyway?

Agent 2: Long as it takes. You know him.

Agent 3: Are you sure we're safe in here? I feel really !@#$ exposed...

Agent 2: Relax. This Holo-Ball we're in masks everything on this side. We could be having a crazy disco party with fifteen hookers and someone standing right outside wouldn't hear anything but the wind.

Agent 1: And wouldn't see anything but the sand unless he was wearing these lovely devo goggles we've got on to cut through the illusion. So this lovely piece of ordinance we're all straddling should come as a complete surprise.

Agent 3: You guys do this often, then?

Agent 1: All the !@#$ time. It's COMPANY policy. There's usually at least one off-site Holo-Ball at all major ops, just to contain the spillover. We don't get off more than a shot or two before we pack it up and RLF, but we're there.

Agent 3: RLF? I don't remember that from basic-

Agent 2: Run Like !@#$.

Agent 3: Ah. Okay. And what's the package on this one?

Agent 1: That's something special, man. (REDACTED), tell our friend about this wonderful thing. 

Agent 2: Agent, you are looking at a cannon capable of firing Freeze Cans at a rate of ten per second. Anything they hit gets blasted to 300 below zero in less than two seconds, and stays that way for about ten minutes.

Agent 3: Woah... that's, like, holy !@#$.

Agent 1: That's one way to put it. It's standard ordinance for fire-based entities, like the !@#$ we're expecting, today. And when the !@#$ is he supposed to get here, man? I thought we were expecting him at noon?

Agent 2: You must have fallen asleep in the briefing, dude. We don't know when. The boss didn't specify a time. He just said today. 

Agent 3: Okay, so what's the signals?

Agent 2: Didn't they tell you all this already, dude?

Agent 3: We got called in at last minute. I didn't even get a briefing.

Agent 1: !@#$ typical. Okay, if the boss raises his hands, blow the !@#$ away. If he raises them and twists them like this, don't, no matter what happens. Other than that, best judgment.

Agent 2: Especially when it comes to RLF. This !@#$ is a nasty one, by all accounts.

Agent 3: Yeah, now what is the deal with him? Do we have any intel whatsoever?

Agent 1: His name's Moloch. He resembles a minotaur made out of strips of brass. He grabs people, sticks them in his ribcage, and lights them on fire. And when they're on fire, he's on fire, and he breathes and throws fire at the slow-moving and unfortunate.

Agent 2: And he can teleport. Don't forget the mother!@#$ teleportation. This is how he's survived two rounds with our boss so far.

Agent 1: However, and this a big however, we have no files on him by way of the Legion. So either he's so new that he doesn't have a name for himself, or he doesn't actually work for them, which is pretty !@#$ strange.

Agent 3: Really?

Agent 2: Really. One thing you can count on the Legion being is !@#$ thorough when it comes to new supers. Their recruitment wing's pretty !@#$ hardcore. Lot of times they know someone's gonna put on a lousy costume and rob a bank before they even think to match colors and decide on a name.

Agent 1: Which kind of makes you wonder what's going on at the Skull.

Agent 2: That's their mobile headquarters. The Skull. It's never in the same place from day to day. Legion members get a teleportation device that lets it find them. 

Agent 1: Yeah, kind of "don't call us, we'll call you." Only a little more sinister.

Agent 2: Yeah, dude. You really don't want to get called in to see them. It apparently means that you !@#$ up. Either that or they want to !@#$ you over.

Agent 1: Or !@#$ with you, man. I've heard some scary stories-

Agent 2: Oh man. Are you seeing this? He's here!

Agent 3: Oh my !@#$ God...

Agent 1: Jesus !@#$ Christ. That's... that's magnificent. Scary as !@#$, but still...

Agent 2: Okay, I am go for firing. Waiting for a signal. (REDACTED), you tell your partner to get her !@#$ off the can and in this ball right the !@#$ now or she's gonna miss the takedown of the century.

Agent 1: Boss is up. Repeat, boss is up. Weapon is hot. We are waiting for signal.

Agent 3: What's he doing? Are they talking?

Agent 2: I can lip read. I can't make out what the skell is saying but the boss is... wait, he's saying let her go. He's saying he'll do whatever the guy wants if he just lets her go.

Agent 1: Lets who go? What the-

Agent 3: Look. He's already on fire. He came with a victim this time. Who is it?

Agent 1: Oh my God. He's doing it. He's taking his weapons off. What the...?

Agent 3: There goes his pistol. Other pistol. Other other pistol.

Agent 2: Cryo grenades. He's tossing them behind him. Knives. That sword you can't see.

Agent 1: Oh man, he even took out the build-a-gun. He never gets rid of that.

Agent 2: Okay, hands are up, and he's giving the do not fire sign. I repeat, he's saying we do not fire. Standing by.

Agent 3: !@#$ this. I am getting (REDACTED) in here right the !@#$ now. We need all hands on deck.

Agent 1: What do we do, man? What do we !@#$ do?

Agent 2: We wait, dude. Chill. Boss man's got a plan. He always does.

Agent 1: Who the !@#$ is that in his chest? One of us?

Agent 2: Someone different, I think. It's a girl. Wreathed in flames and screaming. Can't tell who she is.

Agent 1: Oh man, the thing's breathing in. We gotta fire, man. If we don't fire the boss is dead.

Agent 2: If we do fire and he didn't want it, we're dead. Stay cool, dude. Stay cool.

Agent 4: Man, my !@#$ hurts like someone !@#$ it with a fire hydrant the wrong way. What's going on?

Agent 1: You're late to watch the boss get burned to a crisp, that's what!

Agent 2: I'm... oh man. He didn't even duck the fireball.

Agent 1: He didn't duck the second one, either.

Agent 2: Or the third. Oh man, I can't watch this. This is awful...

Agent 3: Is he down? Is he down?

Agent 1: Yeah... Yeah, he's down. He's on fire. He's not moving.

Agent 3: Well shoot the !@#$ thing, then! He can't discipline you if he's dead. Kill it!

Agent 2: You know... I hate to admit it, but she's got a point.

Agent 3: Well thank you. Shoot it!

Agent 1: I still say--

Agent 4: I say shoot the !@#$ thing and answer questions later, but that could just be my overactive !@#$ talking. Speaking of which, it's looking this way and I'd really like to get my !@#$ and me out of here.

Agent 1: If he comes back from the !@#$ dead I am not getting between his foot and your !@#$.

Agent 2: Firing Freeze Cans. God have mercy on us all.

(Firing Noises. Explosions. Screaming. Transmission ends.)

(SPYGOD is listening to Get Innocuous (LCD Soundsystem) and drinking what may be fire.)

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