Sunday, May 8, 2011

5//8/11 - SPYGODMAIL - Fly the Friendly Skies


3rd Class Scout Jimmy Purdy of Winsome, Nebraska, asks:

Dear SPYGOD: Why don’t we see you driving around in your super-cool flying car that much anymore?
Also, how can I get one? I’ve been saving my lunch money since 1st grade to buy one, and I have about 55 dollars and 34 cents. I would like to know how much more I have to go.

Dear Jimmy

First off, go spend your !@#$ money on some SPYGOD action figures or something. Maybe a girlfriend or two. You can never have enough cover stories. 

You can’t !@#$ing buy a flying car like mine, son. It has to be given to you by a grateful government that’s !@#$ scared of you missing another !@#$iing intelligence meeting because of a god!@#$ DC traffic snarl. 

Because once you’ve been screamed at for an entire !@#$ing hour and a half over a car phone because the idiots in front of you just will not get the !@#$ out of the way, no matter how many !@#$ shots you fire into the air or in their general !@#$ing direction, you’ll give that very angry person anything to get him to calm the !@#$ down. 

Anything at all.

Secondly, this is a question I get a lot, son. It’s usually phrased in the form of “Hey, SPYGOD! Let’s jump in your car and fly to Thailand, pick up some street food and a katooey, and bring them back to THE B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G for a night of unbridled Asian-style hedonism! I’ll bring the Singha…”

If only! The reason you don’t see me !@#$ing driving around in my super-cool flying car that much anymore is because I don’t feel like !@#$ing living that part of the lie, anymore. In fact, most of the photos you have seen of me flying it into action are composited promotional photographs that bear no god!@#$ resemblance to reality, which is what we used to call “Photoshopped” before there actually was a Photoshop.

(That you knew of, anyway.)

And that’s because my flying car  is a sorry piece of !@#$.

There exists within the general populace this highly-inaccurate idea that flying cars are like the ones you saw four-color super-spies flying around in comic books in the 60’s. Either that or they imagine the ones from that !@#$ movie where Indiana Jones keeps getting his ass handed to him by the guy from the Guinness commercials. Neither depiction is remotely !@#$ing accurate. 

Here’s what a flying car is like. Take the chassis for an Aston Martin Spider, which was all the rage amongst flashy intelligence people, back when I spent that hour and a half destroying some poor secretary’s !@#$ eardrums back in the day. Then have some of Dr. Yesterday’s eggheads yank out a lot of the !@#$ things that make it a high-performance sports car, and shove in a bunch of sliding-panel, extending jackknife mousetrap clap-trap under the !@#$ hood, in the !@#$ing trunk, and on the sides so that when you press the big !@#$ red button under the dash, a bunch of rockets, wings, and stabilizers pop out so you can actually get the !@#$ing thing off the ground.

But what’s !@#$ing missing here? Well for one thing, it’s about as aerodynamic as a !@#$ brick, so forget high speed chases and !@#$ing evading missiles and bullets. So they add on some big !@#$ armor to compensate.

And... that makes it even !@#$ing slower.

What else? Well, cars !@#$ing require fuel. Rockets require even more !@#$ing fuel. And an Aston Martin Spider is not !@#$ing big enough to house a !@#$ antigravity generator and all the other !@#$ing things you’d need to get it to fly. And even if it was, there’s no !@#$ room for the power plant you’d need to !@#$ing power the generator in the first place.

This is why THE COMPANY takes agents from place to place in proper !@#$ aircraft, instead of !@#$ing flying cars. They’d need to be flying busses to be of any !@#$ use, and busses are even less !@#$ing aerodynamic than Aston Martin Spiders. You might as just get a !@#$ jet. 

So here’s how we do that Asian Hedonism thing, SPYGOD flying car style. 

I call the FAA and spend fifteen !@#$ing minutes explaining to some poor soul how I’m going to screw up Neo York City's flight traffic for maybe ten, if I’m !@#$ing lucky. Then I get in the car and fly off the side of The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G., go down about ten !@#$ blocks to the Bangkok Eight, who always have my order waiting on Wednesdays.

Then I drive to where the ladyboys walk the streets and see if I can find someone who isn’t a godforsaken replicant with a !@#$ing bomb on board, because my enemies are too !@#$ clever. Then I refuel the car at the gas station, fly the !@#$ back up to the car park, and have to !@#$ing call to have someone helicopter up a full !@#$ tank of gas so it’ll be ready for next Wednesday.

It can wait until tomorrow, though. Tonight I’m !@#$ing partying at taxpayers expense. With Thai hookers.

Yes, son -- that’s it. Ten !@#$ blocks and a stop at the other other meat market destroys a full tank of gas. How am I supposed to go !@#$ing blazing into New Jersey to save the world from HONEYCOMB if I can’t even make it further than that? Some great !@#$ photo ops there, son, let me tell you. 

But I will tell you one !@#$ thing. Since they couldn’t give me better mileage, and the handling’s a doozy, and you can never get happy Katooey stains out of the !@#$ing upholstery, I made !@#$ certain they made up for it by putting every weapon known to man, alien, and god under the hood. 

There’s things in there that no one understands, Jimmy. And I get to be the one to press the button.

So if you see me behind you, honking my !@#$ing horn and telling you get your fat !@#$ out of my way in the name of America, you got five !@#$ seconds to run up on the sidewalk, and then I’m gonna fly right over you and !@#$ing rain acid bomblets on the top of your edsel.

For America, and at taxpayers’ expense. 

Your Commander 

ps. Also remember that, if you're wanting something to spend your money on, SPYGOD 2 comes out next week for the WHEE. It's hands-free fun for the whole family!!! (Rated M)

SPYGOD is listening to Jesus Built My Hotrod (Ministry) and drinking Singha.

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