Sunday, October 16, 2011

10/11/11 - More Crass Commercialism - SPYGOD's ABCs (pt 4)

Note: Continuing on from the previous three installments. 

Word has it that when the licensing department looked at the feasibility of restarting this project, they looked up the old group editor to see if he was interested in taking control of it. The problem was that the editor had left the company, quite some time ago, and had not left a forwarding address. Apparently, he simply disappeared without even giving a two-week notice, word to his manager, or a hastily scrawled suicide note.

An investigation was launched, just for curiosity's sake. He was discovered sitting on a beach in North Carolina, pretending to be a washed-up whale carcass for what was either a radical environmental concern group, or some kind of performance art. No one was really sure, but he smelled terrible.

Such things seem to be the norm for former COMPANY licensing division editors and managers. After a few years of tending the great money beast, they inevitably crack up, disappear, and go on to new vocations you wouldn't want to tell your parents about for fear of breaking their hearts.

Anything to get away from the threat of a SPYGOD VISION burst down the phone line, or so it would seem. 

The following entries reflect the status of the project at the time of the editor's departure to become a freelance dead fish impersonator. They are choppy, ill-edited, and incomplete, but contain some interesting passages worth noting.

SPYGOD was a kid, once, too. When he was a kid there weren't any cool afterschool things that you could go to and have fun. He was too busy dodging dinosaurs and pirates on the freeway to do that.

These days, there's lots of cool afterschool things to do, but some are much less cool than others. Some groups are evil, unamerican fronts for a communist, one-world government. Some want you to slop out pig !@#$ for lazy farmers too cheap to hire migrant workers. And some are just boring, don't teach you anything worth knowing, and are a haven for bullies and jerks who like to pick on other kids.

That's why SPYGOD created the SPYGOD SCOUTS. Now kids all across America can learn how to make their own explosives, shoot dinosaurs for fun and profit, and defend our great nation from a fate worse than Communist enslavement.

T is for Talents (Strategic, that is) 

When people who had talents and powers well above normal levels started showing up, back before World War I, no one knew what to call them, other than "freaks." They preferred to be called "mystery men," and there were a lot of them, back then. But many of them were drafted during the War, and many of them died overseas.

After the war was over, the "freaks" went back to being ordinary citizens. For some that meant putting on costumes and fighting crime, or creating it. There were lots of fights and showdowns between good guys and bad guys in those days, and soon they started calling themselves superheroes and supervillains. Many people started to like the heroes, because they dressed in cool costumes and were handsome and dashing.

Since only police can fight crime, any ordinary person who puts on a mask and fights crime is also a criminal. But a lot of policemen liked the superheroes, because they were the only ones who could stand up to some supervillains, and even stranger things. The Bureau said that these "vigilantes" were crooks, but no one listened to them because the heroes were so popular. The American Government didn't know what to do.

Then Hitler came to power, and started using his country's superheroes to make war against the rest of Europe. The President suggested a compromise: the superheroes in America could work for the government, and in return they'd be allowed to fight crime. He also said that people who had been supervillains could work for the government, too, and have all their crimes forgiven.

These people were not superheroes or supervillains anymore. Once they started working for the Government, they became Strategic Talents.

U is for United Nations

See "V is for Villains."

V is for Villains 

See "U is for United Nations."

W is for World War II

World War II was a big fight between a lot of countries. That's why it was called a World War. There was another World War, before, but they called it the Great War. Then World War II happened and they called the Great War World War I. If there's a World War III they might come up with something else to call it. Like Armageddon.

World War II changed everything. It gave us the Atomic Bomb and Strategic Talents. It also showed us that fascism was really bad, which was really good because, for a while there, a lot of really rich people around the world thought that letting dictators have the state run the economy was a good idea. And when really rich people have bad ideas, ordinary people get !@#$ screwed.

Ordinary people get !@#$ screwed by bad people, too. Especially when the bad people are powerful, and have rich and powerful friends and a lot of people who will do whatever they want. This is why the Nazis were in charge of Germany, and how they were able to do all the bad things they did. And they got away with it for a long time because ordinary people are often too !@#$ stupid to know they're being !@#$ screwed.

Fortunately, Hitler was stupid enough to pick a fight with his neighbors. This became World War II, and as a result of a lot of !@#$ stupid decisions on his part, Hitler and the Nazis lost the war. He didn't live to see the end of it, though. SPYGOD took care of that.

X is for X-Rated

Hey kids, you know what's going on when your parents go to their room and tell you to go play outside? They might be arguing or just taking a nap, but chances are good they're having sex.

But no one wants to think about their parents having sex because that's !@#$ icky and stuff. And no parents tell their kids that they're having sex because it's private and we don't need to know about it. So we all grow up with this weird sense that sex is something that should be hidden and not talked about because you'll either get in trouble or want to throw up.

SPYGOD has sex all the time. Lots and lots of sex. Usually with Asian men who dress like women. Sometimes with normal guys who like a !@#$ in the !@#$. Sometimes one on one. Sometimes one on a whole !@#$ big pile of guys.

Big guys, little guys. Black, White, Brown, Yellow. SPYGOD's even had sex with things that aren't strictly human, or never were to begin with. In fact, SPYGOD is the first person to have ever had sex with a Martian. And boy was that a weird scene!

SPYGOD has no problems telling people about this because he thinks there's nothing to be ashamed about. He also has no problems telling people about this because it's one less thing that America's enemies can blackmail him with. If everyone knows who you're !@#$, no one can blackmail you, can they?

(Unless you're doing something illegal, like farm animals or small children. In that case, you !@#$ deserve to be blackmailed, !@#$hole.)

So yes, kids, SPYGOD has a lot of sex. Someday when you're old enough to not get other people in trouble for being active with you (see the laws in your state for more information) you can have lots of sex, too!

Until then, get a bb gun.

Y is for Yet Another Day Spent Saving the World

Every day is an exciting new day with SPYGOD!

First, he gets up and takes a shower. Then he takes a lot of strange drugs, drinks a lot of alcohol, and collapses in a heap outside the shower. Then he sobers up with (REDACTED), gets dressed, and has breakfast.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That's why he eats a lot of food. Eggs, bacon, cereal, milk, orange juice, vodka, beer, speed, grapefruit, uppers, mescaline, protein bars, smoked fish, methamphetamine, (REDACTED), and a big chewable vitamin the size of a baby's head.

Then he

(Editors note: This is !@#$. Total complete !@#$. This is not funny. No one will laugh at this. Do you !@#$ understand? Seriously? Any of you? I want funny. I want !@#$ your pants laughing funny. And I don't care who I have to kill to get it!)

Z is for (REDACTED)


(SPYGOD is listening to Do You Want the Truth or Something Beautiful (Paloma Faith) and having some tasty OJ with something mysterious and x-rated inside it)

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