Thursday, May 26, 2011

5/26/11 - SPYGODCHAT - How to Not Kill Reporters with Your God Powers

MODGOD: Okay, mikes are set. Sir, if you'll just sit here, I think this has the best background.

SPYGOD: Dear God, is it that time again? !@#$ me running. I'd rather wrestle rabid jackals naked than do another one of these post-battle things.

MODGOD: You okay to go through with this, sir?

SPYGOD: Am I okay? I just tabulated the butcher's bill for our side, son. I'm gonna be writing letters to the bereaved for the next six months at this rate. And I am not in any mood to put up with any !@#$ from FOX News, again. Not about that anyway.

MODGOD: I'll make sure they follow the rules, sir. But it would be good to remember that we have to do this as a chat session so you won't go stark raving ape!@#$ and kill reporters with your bare hands...

SPYGOD: ... and that looks really bad in front of appropriations committees.

MODGOD: Super duper bad, sir.

SPYGOD: Okay. I've drunk enough of this weird fermented penguin beer we found in the commissary to be able to handle this in a forthright and mature manner without shooting the satellite hookup. Let's do this !@#$, son.

MODGOD: Okay, we're about to go live from Antarctica. Everyone looking good. Now you all remember the rules. We don't want a repeat of the last time this happened, okay? I'm looking at you, Geri.

GERI: I assure you that I will not be making the same mistake my colleague, did, sir. Ex-colleague, actually.

DICK: Ex-everything, way I hear it.

CHARLES: No, he's still ticking away. Just don't unplug him.

SPYGOD: Darn straight, son. Don't forget I can kill you all by pointing my finger in your direction and thinking "100 ton weight falls on Porky Pig's noggin."

(5 seconds of silence)

RANDOLPH: I'm here. Did I miss anything?

MODGOD: And we're live from Antarctica, where The COMPANY, along with a number of strategic talents, under command of SPYGOD, has just dealt a mortal blow to the super-terrorist organization known as ABWEHR. This was the organization that began as the last gasp of the Third Reich, when a group of Hitler's generals, surrounded by Allied forces at the end of war in Europe, took primitive enhancement drugs and managed to hold our forces off long enough for some of them to escape. They have been a worldwide menace ever since, turning up like bad pennies every decade or so, but today it would seem that their back has been broken for once and for all. SPYGOD, how does it feel to have smashed the Fourth Reich?

(3 seconds of silence)

SPYGOD: It feels !@#$ good, son. I look across the ice and snow and there isn't a square inch that isn't the final resting place of some supernazi son of a bitch that won't be bothering the freedom loving world, anymore.

MODGOD: Okay, we'll open up to questions--

SPYGOD: Several supernazi sons of bitches, actually. After we let the suicide penguins on them it got hard to tell who was who. But I did make sure the big names got tagged.

DICK: SPYGOD, Dick Brix with ABC news. I look behind you and see all the devastation, and what I think are bodies being put into stretchers or what might be mobile incineration cannons, and I can't help but be happy that the South Pole is Nazi free. But can you tell me how it all went down, sir?

SPYGOD: That's !@#$ classified information, son. And before you go trying to suck my !@#$ from a few thousand miles away, I want you to know that we lost a lot of good people here, today, making sure the South Pole was de-Nazified. This was no school picnic. This was war, and people died. Not just the enemy. Show some !@#$ respect you little worm.

CHARLES: SPYGOD, sir, this Charles Pendergast from CBS. Now, I know you can't give a lot of details away, but can you at least confirm for us that we may have lost some strategic talents, today? Our sources say that Lady Lightning was killed early in the fighting, and that Flyboy was... I think the word I heard was "fractionated?"

SPYGOD: That's the nice word. I told him to stay the !@#$ away from the micromines. He did not listen to me, nor to his section commander. Now the good news is that he seems to still be alive, by some strange miracle of God, man, or science. But I think he's going to be the poster boy for doing what SPYGOD tells you from here on out.

CHARLES: What about Lady Lightning, sir?

SPYGOD: You heard correctly, son. She went down fighting one of the big names, all by her lonesome. I told her to wait for backup but she was so... so !@#$ gung ho. And I use that term with respect and precision, given that she was, like her father, a Marine. She followed him into the heaven of warriors lost on the battlefield, today, and did her country proud. Next!

GERI: Geri Strutter, FOX News. Sir, I understand that the President is, and I quote, 'very pleased that this combat operation succeeded as well as it did.' He is not, however, giving us a lot of details as to his role in putting this together. Could you give us a timeline of how this raid came about?

SPYGOD: If he can't give you one, I can't give you one. But I will say that we were very happy that the President's people were able to process the information we gathered in the time necessary to pull a raid like this out of our !@#$ with 24 hours notice.

GERI: 24 hours notice?

SPYGOD: Yes, Geri. This was extremely time sensitive. We had--

RANDOLPH: SPYGOD, sorry to interrupt, but I can't let this go on.

SPYGOD: Excuse me?

RANDOLPH: Sir, I'm Randolph Scott with Alternet. I understand that you're probably doing your best to cover up for certain uncomfortable facts, sir. But we have sources within the White House who inform us that the President is, and I quote, "rip !@#$" about not having been informed that this raid was taking place. No one in the Heptagon knew, no one in Congress knew, and the President only found out this morning when he received a photo on his blackberry of what appears to be Oberkommando Alfred Jodl with the words "!@#$ Hitler" written in urine in the snow next to what's left of his head.

MODGOD: Uh, is there a question there, Randolph?

RANDOLPH: Yes, why are you not being straight about the President not knowing this was happening? And why is the President saying that he did know in front of the cameras?

SPYGOD: Are you calling the President of the United States of America a liar, son?

RANDOLPH: I don't know. Either he's telling the truth, or my sources are. And if my sources are telling the truth, then both he and you are lying. I'd just like to know what the truth is, here, sir. 

(5 seconds silence)

GERI: Oh god, no. Please don't kill him

SPYGOD: Well, I bet you just feel special, Randolph. Okay, you win.

DICK: What? Sir, can I ask a-

SPYGOD: Get these bootlicking pieces of !@#$ out of here. Drop them all and leave Randolph on the line.

MODGOD: Okay, sir, it's done.

SPYGOD: We're still live, right?

MODGOD: We are, yes.

SPYGOD: Alright, you win. We lied. The President lied, though I don't blame him. He had no idea we were doing this, today. As far as he knew, we were going after GORGON. And that's because GORGON's next on the list, but we decided to trip them up in a lie, and actually go after ABWEHR, instead. Partly because we needed to do some interior security, and partly because it's been sticking in my craw for most of the last century that we let a bunch of Nazi vermin escape from Berlin at the end of the war because we were flying so high on our own "we killed Hitler" fumes that we just got soft and let it happen. And by God I have had enough of that !@#$.

RANDOLPH: So the President lied to--

SPYGOD: You go ask the President why he lied. I can't answer for him. I can only answer for us. We did it to maintain cover. Not very well, apparently. And now you know. And now America knows. This is how the game is played, sometimes. This is your taxpayer dollars at work.

RANDOLPH: And now you kill me with your god powers.

SPYGOD: No, now I send a transport to your studio to pick you up. I want you down here in Antarctica as soon as you can get here. You're getting first crack at seeing what they were doing.

RANDOLPH: What? Sir, are you saying--

SPYGOD: I can't promise you total and complete access, because there's things in here that no one needs to know about, yet. Hell, there's things in here I didn't want to know about. But someone needs to America's eyes and ears on why we did this. Today that's you, because you had the balls to tell me I was full of !@#$.

RANDOLPH: Should I bring anything?

SPYGOD: Warm clothing. And proper booze. This fermented penguin !@#$ is making me sick.

MODGOD: And that's a wrap! Sir, I think you have a phone call from the President.

SPYGOD: !@#$ it. Tell him I'm busy getting drunk.

(SPYGOD is listening to Don't Know What You Want But I Can't Give It Anymore (Pet Shop Boys) and drinking... ew...)

No comments:

Post a Comment