Wednesday, June 15, 2011

6/15/11 - The Day of the Blue Helmets

Today is day one of UN occupation here at the Ice Palace.  Blue helmets, worthless parkas, big useless guns and all. They're here for The Chamber, and what's in it, and want The COMPANY to leave the room and hand it all over in the name of the New World Disorder.

SPYGOD tried to stop this, son. I really did.

Plan A to mine the corridor failed due to a lack of easily-purchased mines from my connection in Neo York. All for a good cause, maybe, but still damned inconvenient.

Plan B to direct their flight traffic to McMurdo, instead, failed because the transponder's built in and needs a bulldozer to move. We do not have a bulldozer, and even if we did it'd probably freeze into a metallic lump of ice before I got two miles out.

Plan C involved a number of exotic elements that could be easily scrounged up by a handful of Agents, if given sufficient time. However, it was never officially written down, as it was conceived while having quality time on the can, in the morning, and may have been accidentally flushed down the john. As a result I can no longer fully recall what it entailed, any more that I can remember what happened to it. 

(Did Ian Flemming ever have days like this?)

After those plans clearly failed, I made every call I could to stop this happening. I tried to cash in a number of favors. Heck I even tried to bribe the President, even after everything that happened. But he just laughed at me and told me to grab my ankles for the team.

So here I am, smiling while grabbing. And he didn't know the half of it.

They brought backup. Mr. USA himself. And the moment he stepped out of the helicopter with that "!@#$ you" smile of his, I wanted to hurl up things I ate fifty years ago.

They knew. They knew he's the one person in the world I can't get away with shooting at, humiliating, or even telling off. The living legend, possessing the ears and attentions of every !@#$ President since World War II.

And boy doesn't that smug !@#$ know it. 

Needless to say, SPYGOD has not been the best host in the world. In fact, I've been sitting up here in my bachelor pad, trying to avoid looking out as the blue helmets march through the main floor and stick their noses into our business.

If I did, I think I'd start shooting, and we don't need another international incident, now do we?

Now I know what you're thinking. Aren't we members of the United Nations? Don't we let them meet on American soil? Don't we always put a lot of importance on what they say and do, and go to them first when there's some international situation we thing needs fixed, or some rogue nation that needs shamed?

The answers to those questions are all "yes," of course, but then you have to ask another question. What gets done when we go to them?

Sweet !@#$ all. That's what. They debate things around their craptacular Security Council, China and one of the semi-rogue nations shoot our proposals down. And before you know it we're up the deep muddy without a paddle, a canoe, or a !@#$ life preserver.  


And we want them to have access to The Chamber? We want those boneheads poking around in the place that had ABWEHR scared and reverent? We want the nations we can hardly stand to quibble and squabble over possibly world-ending alien technology?

You'll pardon me if I say "no."

Hell, I don't think anyone should have access to what's back there. Not America. Not Dr. Yesterday. Not even me. Why do you think I've been drunk since I got here?

(Well, okay, I usually am drunk. And a few other things, besides. But that's besides the point.)

So Mr. USA is probably having himself a proud peacock strut around The Chamber, even now. He's looking it over with those wide, corn-fed eyes and thinking how good it's going to look when he reports back to the President and says that he took charge of the UN before the UN could take charge of him, even though we all know that's a massive, !@#$ lie.

At least he would if I hadn't gone for Plan D.

What was Plan D? Well I'm glad you asked that, son. And, judging from what I'm hearing (all that screaming from up the hall, and general panic?) I think they just found out that The Chamber has its own defenses.

Defenses I made sure we activated just before they got here, right after I got all our people out, as they mandated.

Now, don't get SPYGOD wrong. I'm not killing anyone on my watch. Even commie !@#$ bastard blue helmeted NWO scum have a right to eat, breathe, and spout their gibberish at taxpayers' expense.

So it's nothing lethal. Just something really !@#$ scary to look at, coupled with a force shield that'll take their best scientists at least half a century to figure out how to get through from this side of things. Unless they figure out how to operate Makroschaltkreis by remote, anyway.

I think that noise was was Mr. USA !@#$ing his pants. Sometimes it's good to be me.

(SPYGOD is listening to The !@#$ You Song (Reel Big Fish) and is laughing too hard to drink right now)

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