Monday, July 18, 2011

7/18/11 - The Big !@#$ Story So Far

SPYGOD. Immortal. Superpowered. Drunk.

Highly conservative. Queer as !@#$. Out as Hell.

The man who killed Hitler with his bare hands, saved the lives of three Presidents (but had to shoot one), and safeguarded the world more times than he'd care to count. Really.

Leader of The COMPANY. Resident of The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G. Head of SPYGOD SCOUTS.

Owner of METALMAID and one of the last few flying spy cars left in existence.

(Also, the one they call in when a "strategic asset" (read: Superhuman) has to take a dirt nap. Please do not remind him of this.)

For the last few decades since the War (read: World War II), SPYGOD has been a major player in the international spy game, overseeing the careful zero-sum dance that has kept the world from being annihilated in a nuclear holocaust, invaded by aliens, eaten by otherworldly entities, or worse.

This has largely involved a hideous kind of detente with the sort of organizations that, in a sane and rational world, would have been wiped out ages ago. However, that might cause consequences that could lead to the aforementioned annihilation, leading to the perverse equation that states it's better to lose dozens, maybe hundreds, of innocent lives each year than risk billions.

This year, he decided to !@#$ that !@#$ in the ear. With one very large explosion he put the world's science terrorist and supervillain organizations on notice that they were on the way to destruction.

All their asses are belong to him.

This controversial decision made him something of a hero pariah amongst the international spy community, but, seeing as he is who and what he is, SPYGOD gets what SPYGOD wants. Usually. Which is why, not long after pointing the finger, he took the first step towards a superterrorist-free world and invaded ABWEHR's Ice Palace in Antarctica.

Of course, taking territory is only a third of the battle. The other two are holding it, and convincing people back home it's worth having. SPYGOD's never been so good at those, which is why he was helped (read: undermined) by the United Nations, liaised with his personal nemesis, strategic talent Mr. USA

(In the UN's defense, no one -- not even SPYGOD -- expected to find a genuine alien artifact, a hideous breeding program, and a super-shoggoth at the South Pole after the invasion. Maybe it would be better to let the world's scientists deal with these complications. Just don't tell SPYGOD we said this or he'll nuke our balls with SPYGODVISION or something)

While dealing with the remnants of ABWEHR, SPYGOD was busy planning the demise of the next organization on his hit list: GORGON. The chance discovery of a new secret power allowed him to find out that the group was routing its communications through the wondrous global defense platform codenamed Deep Ten. This knowledge, in turn, allowed him to "punk" them (as the kids say these days) thus tricking them into revealing their true location.

The only problem was that they were waiting for him to invade, and set out several nasty operatives to fight him.

It did not go well. Really. But somehow he survived, alone, to tell the tale.

There was no call for celebration this time, though. And when he got the letter that the President wanted him out of the South Pole, he was hardly surprised.

"What now?" We hear you asking. Always with the "What now?" !@#$ it.

Pay attention and you'll find out, one day at a time.

(SPYGOD is listening to Secret Agent Man (DEVO) and bombed out of his skull on bad homemade drugs)

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