Friday, July 29, 2011

7/28/11 Crass Commercialism Makes the World Go Round

Got yet another phone call from the merchandising people about that !@#$ cartoon show they seem !@#$-bent to foist upon the unsuspecting brains of America's youth. All this in spite of every attempt on my part to stop it, just short of using SPYGOD vision over the phone on the poor, chirpy kid they forced to call me.

Apparently, Adult Swim is all set to make it happen. They're going to do it Johnny Quest style, using flash animation and some of their best voice actors. They will not be making kids action figures for the show, unfortunately, but Todd McFarlane's been on the line all day long and is putting together some prototypes.

So yes, it would seem I am doomed to once again have my sneering face plastered upon something that should not be. I can command the secret armies of the world, ignore Presidential orders, take on super-Nazis, and atomize entire countries (so long as they're small and mostly evil, or anti-capitalist) but I cannot stop the wheels of capitalism from running my hot, leather-clad ass over in mid-stride.

The irony is... well, pretty ironic. Words truly fail in the face of such malarkey.

But it wouldn't be the first time my unique, world-shattering likeness was approproiated to sell things no one really wants or needs. It seems like every time I turn around, there's another SPYGOD product out there, making money I don't require on behalf of people who should really be forced to devote their lives to charity.

Remember SPYGOD CEREAL? "Crispy bite-sized assault rifles that go BANG in milk!" It came in gunmetal (chocolate) bloody (strawberry) and desert camo (banana) flavors. Had a lack of nutrition warning right on the box, thus ensuring everyone would buy it.

Remember that awful Nintendo game they did of me where I was side-scrolling and shooting mutant nazis in outer space? It was voted one of the worst games ever, right up there with "E.T." for the Atari. (And I'm the one who ensured that the voting was fixed, thank you very much.)

And I'm sure you remember that awful line of "combat wear" clothing they had me hawking back in the late 80's, trying to leapfrog off of Michael Jackson's inspired fashion touches. Why settle for zippers and tugs when you could have holsters and knife sheaths instead? "Clothes for the discerning suburban warrior," I think they said.

End result? They were banned in every school in the lower 48 for obvious reasons, and became the unofficial gear of SPYGOD SCOUTS everywhere. All I could say was "good work, America."

That and sneak into the house of the person responsible and threaten to shoot him in the junk if he ever did something like that again.

It's not that I mind giving my likeness away, of course. But I'd rather do it for worthy causes, or charities that mean a !@#$.

I'm sure you remember the anti-rape campaign we did for Neo York City back in the late 90's? I did the "Whistles Are For Victims -- PACK HEAT" spots with women and men who'd dropped their would-be attackers with well-placed body shots. People still talk about that one.

There was also that benefit CD to raise money for the victims of the Computer Hell Plague. I was later told by no less than Holly Johnson that I should have been a singer, even if my delivery was too raw for MTV. The only problem is that, given my voice, most people think my cover of "Love Gun" was done by Dead Or Alive, so whenever I look it up on Youtube, I can't find it under my own name.

(Pete Burns still sends Christmas cards, along with photos of his latest plastic surgery disasters. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.)

So that's commercialism for you, son. You can't win unless you play, but they don't always ask you if you're sitting this one out or not, and sometimes they don't let you take credit when you make the home run.

All you can hope at the end of the day is that your likeness isn't being put on shirts in some awful sweatshop, somewhere. Which would be very unwise for someone to attempt to do. 

Fair Warning.

(SPYGOD is listening to Moneygrabber (Fritz and the Tantrums) and drinking a Gringo Dollar)

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