Friday, October 5, 2012

8/10/12 - The Big !@#$ Story So Far - Saving the Big !@#$ World Edition


Immortal. Superpowered. Drunk.

Highly conservative. Queer as !@#$. Out as Hell.

The man who killed Hitler with his bare hands, rescued the world too many times to count, and saved the lives of three Presidents (but had to shoot one).

Director of The COMPANY, tasked with handling (and occasionally killing) America's Strategic Talents.

And NOT the assassin of the President of the United States of America, though that's the least of his !@#$ing problems, right now.

(Or the big !@#$ing problem that's coming after that...)

The problem now is that, after more than half a century of trying, the science terrorist outfit known as GORGON has succeeded where all would-be world conquerors, megalomaniac super villains, invading aliens, and evil gods have failed. In their new, much friendlier guise of Imago, they have conquered planet Earth while claiming to have saved it. And they are now in the process of transforming it into what they might call paradise, but could only be the most horrible of hells to anyone who cherishes human rights, economic freedom, and self-determination.

Someone like SPYGOD, in other words.

Unfortunately, while he knew something really !@#$ bad was coming, he was not on this Earth to prevent it. And, by the time he finally got back, with the not-dead President, it was all over. All resistance had been either gently brushed away or ruthlessly crushed. The future is being shaped, the past is being rewritten, and the present is under complete control. 

Or so they think...

But let's back the train up a bit. You know what's happened up until now, but how did we get from the President being shot dead on live television to his being alive, and at SPYGOD's side as he plans the liberation of the planet?

As with most things having to do with SPYGOD, the answer is a !@#$ing doozy.

The simple answer is that the President who was shot was not the !@#$ing President, even if he was. He was actually the same person, only from Alter Earth: the terminally !@#$ed-up prime parallel to our world.

The false President was swapped for the real one, who was snatched and grabbed, and taken to Alter Earth's perverse version of Neo York City. Then he was "installed" at the bottom of a temple dedicated to the sacred mysteries of never-ending atrocity, so he could sit, watch helplessly, and go !@#$ing mad.

Because they could. Because they thought it was !@#$ing funny. 

Meanwhile, his hapless doppelganger was shot and killed by a man that not even SPYGOD knew existed: The SPYGOD of Alter Earth, who has apparently been operating in secret on our world for quite some time (mostly !@#$ing with poor Mr. USA, which explains a good deal of that man's antipathy for SPYGOD) and was so good at staying out of sight that not even SPYGOD knew he existed.

To his credit, SPYGOD realized that something !@#$ bad was going to go down that day. Unfortunately, he went the wrong direction in search of his antagonists, and by the time he realized his mistake, it was too late. All he could do was pilot his stolen Nazi UFO out to Nevada, and hide out with the Free Toon Nation for a time, seeing as how they sort of owed him one.

Meanwhile, things went straight down the !@#$ing toilet for his allies -- especially Dosha Josh, who lost his beloved teleporter, Daksha, in a retaliatory attack. A mysterious Colonel was assigned to bring SPYGOD down, only to encounter the horrid, Russian fury of his strange, gun-totting cat, BeeBee.

In the wake of New Man being appointed the interim director of The COMPANY, and The Dragon being tasked to aid in bringing SPYGOD down, Myron -- that is Underman -- chose to say "!@#$ no." However, this was all part of a plan that had been set in motion some time ago, and gave him an opportunity to be in the right place, at the right time, with the right level of authority to be useful.

(More on that later)

SPYGOD stayed with the Toons until he either drank himself sober, or they got tired of his drunken self pity and smacked him back into motion (depending on which version of the truth you believe). During, before, or after that, he did some thinking and planning, in anticipation of some great disaster to strike on March 15th, and got back in the saddle in a big way.

He decamped to scenic, sunny Key West, assembling a team of Strategic Talents, assassins, sell-swords, and highly !@#$ing dangerous beings along the way. And then he kidnapped the vampire formerly known as Ernest !@#$ing Hemingway, and held him in his safehouse on the Key.

Yes, son, you read that right. Ernest Hemingway is a vampire, courtesy of the long-established vampire bloodline of Cuba. And SPYGOD needed him to help them get into the dreaded House of Blood, all as part of a plan designed to extinguish that nasty group of bloodsuckers, end the existence of one of the more terrifying (in)human monsters he had ever had to deal with, before, and use The COMPANY's Flier to free Cuba from Communist tyranny for once and for all.

(That and finally pay that bastard !@#$ Castro back for a multitude of offenses and impositions, not least of which was being indirectly responsible for the death of his beloved brother, Ignacio, all those years ago.)

But as epic and shattering as all that !@#$ was, it was just a feint done to distract The COMPANY from his true objective: rescuing a young man with incredible -- and incredibly dangerous -- powers from Detention Camp Z, in Guantanamo Bay. He would need his dimensional-shifting abilities to get to Alter Earth and rescue the President, and, after making a few more stops along the way -- and reclaiming an ally in Mr. USA , after a very overdue heart-to-heart -- he did exactly that.

What kinds of !@#$ they stepped in over there is best left unsaid. Suffice to say that, at the end of that "adventure," both he and Mr. USA had faced an evil so pure and true that it almost broke both of them. And then, after succeeding against great and unexpected odds, they were undone by the mental instability of the troubled young man SPYGOD relied on to get them all home.

The good news? SPYGOD and the President were returned to Earth. The bad news? Mr. USA is lost, perhaps dead (or worse).

And the worst news of all? They returned months after the event SPYGOD had been warned about had come to pass. The Ides of March had come and gone, and with it the world's freedom -- taken by a deadly old enemy masquerading as a mysterious new friend.

GORGON had this well planned, alright. They slowly substituted key people with their own Falsefaces, taking control of the Ice Palace through Dr. Yesterday, the Central Intelligence Agency through its Director, Deep-Ten through Colonel Straffer, and then, in the last moments of preparation, the Flier, itself. They stocked the COMPANY, the Heptagon, and the Flier with their own Falsefaces, masquerading as faceless, armored troops called Specials. And they went after any and all Strategic Talents that might oppose them, along with any witnesses to what they had actually done to the President, or those who figured out that something was amiss.

When the date came, ignorant armies armed with amazing new weapons attacked the governments of the world, supposedly under the orders of the United States of America. The military installations, missile sites and submarines, and large civilian airstrips were blasted into atoms by the mighty particle cannons of Deep-Ten. The world held its breath, wondering what was going to happen next.

But then came the brightly-colored, metal-armored "saviors," teleporting in and floating down to stop the guerrilla armies -- suddenly no longer able to use their weapons -- from assassinating the world's captured leaders. These Imago claimed to have been the amazing supergods of old, banished so long ago, but now back, both to save humanity from America's dire plot, and from some strange, looming threat from outer space.

SPYGOD's allies -- and enemies -- tried to fight this off. After fulfilling his long-anticipated part in SPYGOD'S early warning from months ago, Myron found a way to temporarily disable GORGON technology, and used it to escape the Heptagon. But when he got to the White House to warn the President, he discovered that GORGON had not only beaten him there, but had been there all along

Meanwhile, after being supposedly killed by The Dragon -- who showed his true colors, and shape, at last -- Second and New Man tried to retake the Flier, only to be witness to its stunning transformation, and the raising of some strange city from the Pacific Ocean. Second bravely sacrificed himself to try and deny both himself and the Flier to the enemy, but only succeeded in suicide.

But no one would know of this horrible battle. The eyes and ears of the world went silent, only to be reopened some time later by Imago, once they had complete control of the Internet. And with all information running through them, they began to reshape people's opinions, hopes, and dreams, and then entire nations, to suit their needs.

Some resisted. Some investigated.

Some ran and hid. Some waited for the end.

Some were spared. Far too many were not so lucky

And in America, those who had supposedly shepherded the nonexistent plot to take over the world were put on trial, made to testify against one another, and then executed by being send on a one-way ride to the top of a space elevator. The last person to die in this fashion was the former Vice President, who went to his end with a grace not seen by many, and a great and terrible secret burning on his tongue.

(Though not for long, one hopes)

All this was waiting for SPYGOD, when he and the President returned to Earth. They landed close to Choibalsan, Mongolia: an area that had some history with him, and a questionable ally, who was more than willing to inform them as to what had happened.

Saying they took it badly is something of an understatement. SPYGOD's solution to the problem was to wander out into the desert and try to drink himself back into shape. But, after a very strange interlude involving Mongolian Shamans, talkative (and loving) ghosts, a visit to a parallel Earth's strange future, and fighting alongside its version of Jim Morrison, he returned, renewed and ready to tackle the world.

And that is exactly what he will have to do, this time. All the governments, everywhere, have been taken over. There are eyes and ears everywhere, and the televisions are watching us back.

That's not his only obstacle, either. Apparently still unbeknownst to him, METALMAID is still out there, ready to try and kill him, with or without her questionable allies. Old villains await, old rivals are hiding, and who knows what the !@#$ Aaron and the Beautiful Stranger are up to.

And beyond them all is Moloch, still waiting for a rematch...

Does he have a plan? No, probably not.

Does he have allies? Yes, but he'll have to find them, again, or make them.

Does he have a hope in !@#$? Maybe. But he doesn't have the time to !@#$ around on this one.

SPYGOD. Still a massive !@#$hole. Still our !@#$hole. And ready and willing to save the whole !@#$ world.

If he can get away with it.

(SPYGOD is listening to Rage Hard (Frankie Goes to Hollywood) and making his plans in secret.)

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