Saturday, May 21, 2011

5/21/11 SPYGODMAIL - Stealing Vehicles for America

Even in extremis, it's SPYGOD SCOUT MAIL TIME!

2nd Class Scout Winifred Reed of Dublin, Kentucky, asks:

I saw in your last report from the field that you actually stole a car from an American citizen at gunpoint. I think that's super cool, but is it actually legal? And what Action Badges do I need to have in order to qualify for that awesome ability?
Also, I think my hamster is heterosexual. Please advise.
Dear Winifred. 
First off, forget about the hamster. I was just joking about the need for more out and proud housepets. Sometimes SPYGOD is allowed to talk complete !@#$ in his fan mail. It is part of the lengthy and hyper-ultra-secret employment contract I fill out every year in the belly of the Heptagon. But I do apologize for any confusion.
As for stealing people's vehicles at gunpoint, during emergencies, at taxpayers' expense, that is another one of those perks of the job. All emergency and law enforcement are allowed to commandeer vehicles in a legitimate emergency. And sometimes we're a little wiggly about what constitutes a proper emergency. Especially when we're hung over in Las Cruces and the Flier is not picking up our calls.
Of course, by the time I got halfway across the state in that commandeered camaro, I remembered that I'd put The COMPANY on total radio silence after dealing with that little internal matter. So of course the Flier wasn't going to come around and pick me up at the Las Cruces Burger King. They were probably cruising around Neo York and wondering where the heck I was.
Probably had a big stack of paperwork for me to fill out to authorize the viking funeral of our unfortunate GORGON mole, too, and lord knows I was in no real hurry to get back and deal with that !@#$. But, on the other hand, the owner of the car I creatively repurposed thought Sammy Hagar was the end all, be all of late 20th century rock and roll, and, having been in the commie-fighting business in the 80's, I overdosed on that fellow a long time ago.
And I can't pick up satellite radio in my head when I'm this badly hung over, either.
So I decided to drive my new ride over to Las Vegas, instead, and see about commandeering another vehicle. Not because I wanted to rent a limo for the ride home, even though they have the best kind there and it would have been a fun relaxing time to have driven into Neo York in a super stretch neon pink jacuzzi limo with foam shooters, inflatable pink flamingos tied to the back bumper, and a hot tub full of the sexiest Sin City Katooeys your government's money can buy. 
(And not because had an urge to gamble, or recreate that one, glorious weekend in which Hunter S. Thompson, Elvis Presley, Ben Franklin, and I actually blew up a casino for America)
But because I finally, after many handfuls of painkillers to deal with the bastard of a hangover I had, remembered where I parked that ABWEHR flying saucer, all those years ago.
Yes, the supernazis have UFO technology. They have had it since the 60's, it would seem, because that's about when we started seeing them. or not seeing them as the case was.
It was sometime after they started making encroachments into South America and before they hooked up with the Rood Broederbond in South Africa, if the intel was right. And of course that's always subject to debate, as sometimes intelligence is a massive contradiction in terms.
But when your agents keep telling you that the ABWEHR is showing up out of nowhere, and your planes are being shot down by an invisible aircraft that seem to be capable of silent running, hovering, hairpin turns, and supersonic speeds, you don't have a lot of options. Either the aircraft's otherworldly and invisible or the supernazis are, which is something I'd rather not contemplate without a really big damn drink in my hand.
A big damn drink the size of a tanker truck. With a pink umbrella to match.
So how do supernazis on the run get their hands on alien technology? That's another excellent question, son. Given that would-be alien conquerers show up at Outland and offer to make deals to would-be collaborators, it's entirely conceivable they made a few tentative deals and got some free samples of their would-be alien overlords' technology. No doubt it was old model and somewhat defanged, but a UFO is still a UFO.
We found ways to deal with them during the 90s. They give off weird nuclear emissions that are eminently trackable by certain kinds of air-to-air missiles. That and they made the same mistake most invisible aircraft owners make in putting all the tech into their camoflague and none into the armor plating, which made scaring it off pretty easy. 
But every time the missiles made them reverse their buttocks and fly for home, and we never actually scratched it. We stopped their missions, but never denied the high tech to the enemy. And none of us ever got inside one.
Not until the day of the World Serpent, anyway.
The World Serpent, otherwise known as Jormungandr, was one of the Nazi doomsday weapons that they didn't have the resources for back in '45, and spent decades putting together. They used that invisible UFO to make secret bases all over the world, filled with technical gibberty-flibberty that they probably didn't understand, either, but looked really darn dangerous on paper.
Then came the year they decided to tell the rest of the world that they had demands, and if we didn't follow them to the letter we'd be sitting on a blackened cinder formerly known as Earth. We could line up for the ass-kissing at 5 in the AM, sharpish, thank you.
Just to prove they were serious, they sank Catanduanes, in the Philippines, and laughed at their own evil. That's what tipped the response from "ho hum, another nutjob with a doomsday machine" to "kill the nazi bastards," in case you were wondering.
Sometime during the fighting, my jet pack was failing, and I needed to spash down and quick. But the Antarctic is no place to go for a swim at any time of year, and my suit had enough holes to shame swiss cheese. So I made the ultimate hail mary and tried to, you guessed it, commandeer an enemy vehicle. I was heading for one of their jetpack riders, but slammed into something large and invisible instead.

Guess what that was?

Once I fought my way inside, I learned a thing or two. One was that ABWEHR obviously did not make this thing, but stole it. The outside of the craft, and some of its systems, were way beyond anything I'd ever seen, ever, and I have seen some amazing !@#$ in my lifetime, let me tell you. But the rest of it looked like someone had gutted a U-Boat and put all the accouterments, controls, and furniture into the crew compartments. 

Which makes perfect sense, of course, but the retro engineering was a little sloppy and counter-intuitive. I was lucky to get away from that battle without crashing into anything else. And when I tried to go back into the fight, the UFO seemingly had other ideas, and headed straight for America.

I was going to take it to Area 51 for study but, partway there, I heard that we'd won and the World Serpent was destroyed. So I got totally mindblasted instead, thanks to my emergency stash of TEOTWAWKI pharmaceuticals. Partly to help me mourn the dead of the brave people of the Philippines, and partly because this is what one does while flying solo in a hard to control UFO after stomping Nazi ass.
Thus somewhat brain addled, I landed the UFO on what I thought was the base in question, but was actually a large body of water not too far from Las Vegas.

Yes, that's right, son. An invisible supernazi UFO has been sitting at the bottom of Lake Mead for over a decade. And if we're going to go stomp Nazi ass yet again in less than a week, I am, by God, going to do it with one of their own vehicles. 

And the best thing is that, unlike taxpayer cars, no one gives a flying red !@#$ if we take it, wreck it, and hit something squirming and radioactive on the way back home.

(SPYGOD is listening to Fantastic Voyage (Coolio) and drinking Ruby Mountain Bristlecone Brown Porter)

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