Thursday, October 13, 2011

10/9/11 - More Crass Commercialism - SPYGOD's ABCs (pt 3)

Note: Continuing on from the previous two installments. 

As previously noted, the tone began to vary wildly, from the childlike drivel with a sharp edge it was supposed to be, to things that could have come off early, mildly-regulated Wikipedia, or frankly sloppy !@#$. It could have been saved, one supposes, but events conspired otherwise.

The story goes that the group editor was in the middle of a midlife crisis at the time, and playing minesweeper at his desk when he wasn't seeking illicit favors from Dr. Yesterday's "support staff." A number of important balls were dropped during this time, and not just his own, but somehow he avoided being fired. (This may say something about the *ahem* high esteem in which The COMPANY holds its licensing department.)

By the time the mockup was finally done, the market had dropped out of the "kids book for adults," and it was shelved on the far back burner, along with "SPYGOD" golf caddies and pop-up books. 
(If you have no idea why the latter would have been a bad idea, see "Penis," below.)

L is for Liberty Patrol

When World War II happened, a lot of American superheroes signed up with the government to fight overseas, or guard America from spies and saboteurs. These brave folks fought hard to keep us safe and free, and once the war was over, the government offered a lot of them a chance to keep working for America. The Liberty Patrol was born!

The Patrol was really busy right after the war, making the Germans and Japanese behaved themselves, and watching for leftover Nazis and supervillains. They also kept an eye on the Commies, now that the Cold War was officially on, and no one could trust anyone from the other side of the Iron Curtain.

Then they went in to fight in Korea, and never really came out again. After that, the President decided he didn't want superheroes fighting in wars, and made The COMPANY, instead. Now all superheroes that are good enough to work for the Government work for The COMPANY, in one way or another, and the rest can do whatever they want as long as they don't make total !@#$holes of themselves.

SPYGOD was a member of the Liberty Patrol. He wasn't around a lot because he was off doing secret things, and doesn't appear in a lot of photographs, but he was there. Really. Ask anyone.


A long time ago there was an evil villain named Doctor Morbo. He lived in Eastern Europe and had his own country. He worked with the Nazis during World War II, but turned on them at the end, and then worked for the Soviets, sort of. But the rest of the time he was scheming to take over the whole world, hurting his own people, making robot monsters, and being a real !@#$.

One day, the Soviets decided they didn't want to work with him, anymore. So the President sent The COMPANY in to deal with his sorry !@#$. There was a big fight and Doctor Morbo was dead. But Doctor Morbo had a lot of dangerous equipment, doomsday devices, and other things lying around, so America and the Soviets had to turn them off or do something with them.

One of the things that was left behind was a new kind of killer robot. SPYGOD took one look at it and said it would be a great thing to have guarding The B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G. with him, as well as cooking, doing laundry, and cleaning up, because SPYGOD doesn't do that kind of domestic !@#$.

So Dr. Yesterday reprogrammed the robot, and rebuilt it to look like a different kind of machine. And now METALMAID lives and works with SPYGOD as his best robot friend ever!

N is for Neo York City

Once upon a time there was a big city, and it was called New Amsterdam. It was full of Dutch people, and no one liked the Dutch. So when the Dutch people who made the city were run out of it by good, righteous Americans with pitchforks and torches, it became York City. Mostly because the people who ran out the freaky deeky Dutchmen were from York, back in England.

But there was a big !@#$ problem! No one could tell if York was in England or America, and the mail was going every which way. And since the mail took forever to get anywhere, back then, and the mailmen were being eaten by dinosaurs and cavemen, anyway, the people in America decided they should be New York.

(They tried to get the people in England to change their name to Old York, but the letters they kept sending making the suggestion kept getting get lost in the mail. So they said !@#$ it changed their own name to fix the problem.)

After fighting off weird terrorist bull!@#$ from Dutchmen, fighting the American Revolution, the Civil War, some bull!@#$ wars no one remembers, and then World War II, it was a pretty good bet that New York City was going to stay. However, one day, this weird metal !@#$hole came from the future and turned the city into this massive computer thing that moved like it was made out of metal Mexican jumping beans on bad speed. And no one wanted to call it New York city after that.

So the pussies that ran the city at the time decided to call it Neo York City, instead. Mostly because everyone thought the first Matrix movie was really !@#$ cool, but also because it was... wait for it... new. And that's all that matters to those jack!@#$.

So now all the people who used to make nice "New York City" products are out of a !@#$ job and have to turn tricks in metal alleyways in neighborhoods that aren't what they used to be, and won't even be what they are now in a couple years.

You tell me how that's new and improved, mother!@#$.

O is for Omniopticon

When SPYGOD put the Chandra Eye in for the first time, many years ago, he told people that he could see everything. And he can. Sort of.

The truth is that the eye doesn't show him things so much as it lets him hear things. And he can hear a whole !@#$ lot. People whispering from miles away. Television shows before they make it to your television. Phone conversations. Satellite transmissions. Computers talking to one another. Crickets making crank songs.

Lots of !@#$ things.

The problem is that, since SPYGOD's just a regular joe like you and me, he can't handle the massive flow of information being able to hear that many things can provide. So he has to get really messed up on lots of alcohol and drugs or he'd go crazy. But he doesn't want to take the eye out because then he'll lose all his powers and get old and die or something.

And I bet I wasn't supposed to tell you that... oops.

P is for Penis

Yes, SPYGOD has a penis. He was born with one, obviously. And he used it quite a bit, to hear him tell it.

But when he put the Chandra Eye in, something very strange happened to his penis. It began to grow and change, ever so slowly. Over the years its turned into something that looks like a squash someone crossbred with an octopus, a snake, and a strawberry. And that's just when it's lying down on the job!

SPYGOD's penis is a dangerous weapon. He can shoot pellets of semen out of it that are hard and fast enough to kill people. He also says he can change the chemical content of his pee pee into poison, flammable stuff, or weirder things. But he gets drunk and says a lot of bull!@#$, so this could be that. Do you really want to find out, though?

No one is absolutely sure why anyone in their right mind would let him !@#$ them with that thing. He also says he gets very few complaints, so it must be !@#$ good. Either that or he's paying a lot for PR.

Q is for Queer

Is SPYGOD gay? Is the Sun hot? Is Dadaism misunderstood? Does the Bear Pope !@#$ Catholics in the woods?

Yes, SPYGOD is !@#$ gay. He has been gay since he was old enough to know what and who he was attracted to. And he has been Out since before they used the term Out. So there.

He came by it honestly. He did not catch it like a cold. He did not get indoctrinated by some creepy weirdo who wanders around towns, looking for small boys and girls to turn into homosexuals. He did not have faggot dust sprinkled on his head by the fairy fairy.

(And no, it wasn't fluoride in the water, either. Jesus !@#$ Christ. They didn't start doing that !@#$ until when, the 70's? He was born in (REDACTED), idiots. Get a clue.)

So yes, the man is gay with a capital G A Y. He likes men. He likes cocks. He likes... well, you get the picture. (See "Penis")

But here's a picture maybe you don't get. Here's a man who runs a very powerful spy organization (See "The COMPANY"), carries three times his weight in weapons (see "Guns"), knows all your secrets ("Eyepatch," "Omniopticon") and is not the sort of person you really want to mess with, ever ("!@#$hole" "Drunk").

And you want to tell him he can't get married in your state? Really? 

No, you go ahead, buddy. You tell him. You tell him about destroying the sanctity of the institution, laws, morals... all that !@#$. You tell him.

Me, I'm going to be hiding over here in this old WWII bunker they made strong enough to survive a direct bomb blast. I'll come out when I can't hear anything screaming, anymore. Like, a year from now.

Nice knowing you, 'phobe.

R is for (REDACTED) 

When you read things about SPYGOD, you see the word (REDACTED) a lot. This is a fancy way of saying "You don't need to know that, so we blacked it out."

Why don't you need to know that? Because it's super dooper ultra black top secret, and no one needs to know that. Half the time SPYGOD himself doesn't even need to know these things, and that's why he drinks so much. To forget. (Among many other reasons.)

SPYGOD's age? REDACTED. Real name? REDACTED. Place of birth? REDACTED.

Skills? REDACTED. Weaknesses? REDACTED. Full suite of superpowers? REDACTED. 

What he did during the Cold War? REDACTED. Who he worked with? REDACTED.

Everyone he's ever killed? REDACTED.

What he left last night in a paper bag on the Mayor of Neo York City's front porch? REDACTED.

You get the !@#$ point, kid?

So stop asking him impertinent questions. Impertinent is a fancy way of saying "you want too much information." If you think it's compromise security, don't bother opening your yap.

Just ask him about the weather. You'll learn more that way.

(SPYGOD is listening to Called Out in the Dark (Snow Patrol) and having a Bells Cherry Stout)

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