Monday, October 10, 2011

10/7/11 - More Crass Commercialism - SPYGOD's ABCs (pt 2)

Note: Continuing on from the previous installment

It's clear that, right around here, no one was sure about the tone of the piece, anymore. It jumps back and forth from actually factual information to snarky bull!@#$. This is what happens when you have four or five different writers working on one document, and one overworked editor more or less rubber-stamping the whole thing while getting blown by one of Dr. Yesterday's sex midgets.

We think.

K is for Korean War

Korea isn't just one of the few places you can get soda that tastes like bubble gum. It's also the place where the future of Strategic Talents in the Cold War world was written out. And, more importantly, it's where SPYGOD really became SPYGOD, instead of who he was before.

Long story short? The Commies were evil, and, once World War II was over, stopped being our friends (so we could help defend them from the Nazis) and wanted to take over the world. Part of taking over the world was taking complete control of the Korean Peninsula, which they'd gone half and half on when the Allies liberated it from the Japanese. So, in 1950, a fat, evil Commie named Kim Il Sung got permission from the Soviets, and aid from the Chinese, and his soldiers swooped into South Korea to "unify the Fatherland."

The United Nations, being a powerless fraud, could only condemn it and ask for its members to do something. Fortunately, America intervened, because President Truman was a smart man who knew what happened when tyranny went unchecked. We sent troops in to help the South Koreans stop the commies, and figured it would be over soon, as long as the Soviets and Chinese stayed out of it.

But there a BIG problem! After World War II, the United Nations included as part of its Charter that member states should not use Strategic Talents in war. The spineless wimps at the United Nations were afraid that a superhuman arms race would happen, with everyone trying to make strategic talents, the same way everyone was trying to make atomic bombs.

Since no superpowered people could fight each other, like they did during the last war, this war was going to take a long time to end. So President Truman secretly sent a few Strategic Talents in, hoping they would find out that the Commies were using Strategic Talents, so America could send Mr. USA and the Liberty Patrol in to fight them. After all, if they we Commies breaking the rules, so could America!

SPYGOD led the mission because he'd been doing secret work in the Soviet Union, and had a good idea how to keep things quiet. But a bad thing happened. The Strategic Talents were ambushed and captured, and sent to a prison camp.

The Commies put them in special chains so they couldn't break free, and hurt them to try to make them tell what their secret plans were. None of the brave American superheroes would tell them the truth, so the Commies hurt them and used them for fun.

Soon there was only one hero left, and that was SPYGOD. He broke free, burned down the camp, and got away, but by then the Commies were almost all the way down the peninsula. Even worse than that, the Chinese and Soviets had complained to the United Nations that America was using Strategic Talents against people who had none. Now the North Koreans would have to use superpowered soldiers to make it an even fight!

America knew that the North Koreans didn't have many superpowered soldiers, because Japan had killed a lot of them during World War II. This meant that they would have to get them from the Soviets and the Chinese. And once the Soviets and Chinese sent their Strategic Talents, ordinary forces wouldn't be too far behind.

President Truman knew this could lead to another World War. He had to stop this from happening. So he went to the United Nations and told them that the Commies were lying. He said that America had been using Strategic Talents in Korea, but that the Commies had done it first. He used information that SPYGOD had gathered while behind enemy lines to prove it.

But President Truman made the Commies an offer. He said that he would pull out all Strategic Talents, and not allow them to return, if the Commies would make the same promise. This would mean the Commies would have to admit they'd been lying, so they refused. So America sent in Mr. USA and the Liberty Patrol, and the Commies sent their superpowered soldiers in to fight them.

The war took another eight years to end. This is because neither side wanted to do as much damage as they could. They were afraid that if they fought too hard, and went too far, someone might use atomic weaponry. So a lot of Strategic Talents on both sides were killed or seriously wounded, and the fast, back and forth advances of the first years of the war turned into the same kind of trench warfare that happened in World War I. 

An Armistice was signed in 1958. This meant that the war was still going on because neither side wanted to admit defeat, but that no one was going to fight it, anymore. After the signing, President Eisenhower promised the American people that America would never be the first to use superpowered people in a war, but that we would keep them "in reserve" just in case someone else did.

This is why the Liberty Patrol was disbanded. This is why we have The COMPANY. This is also why Vietnam took so long and was never won. Ask your parents about that.

(ED NOTE: Wow, way to sound jingoistic there, Bob. Could we make this a lot less history-channelish and a lot funnier? This page is in dire need of Operation Snark Bomb.)

!@#$ You, "ED" - Bob

(You're fired, Bob. - ED)

(SPYGOD is listening to Chalkhills and Children (XTC) and having some soju and cheju cider)


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