Friday, September 9, 2011

9/5-7/11 - Five Days, Five Conversations: pt 1

3:54 PM

SPYGOD: Wasn't sure you'd show.

DOSHA JOSH: I wasn't sure I would, either. But my man was free, and I hear the naan is the best outside of Delhi. So I thought I would try it.

SPYGOD: Is it?

DOSHA JOSH: Needs more of everything. But I suppose you white people will eat anything if someone says it's authentic.

SPYGOD: Except for intelligence.

DOSHA JOSH: Of course. You asked me to look into that matter for you. I have.


DOSHA JOSH: It's all here in this disc. I'm sure you won't mind if I ask you not to read it here.

SPYGOD: No one will know what we're up to.

DOSHA JOSH: That's not my concern. I'm actually having a nice lunch and do not feel the need to have you ruin it by turning the air blue.

SPYGOD: I think I can !@#$ accommodate. That's one I owe you.

DOSHA JOSH: Two. That's two you owe me. Three if you count me backing you in front of the others after your little adventure in Afghanistan.

SPYGOD: !@#$ had it coming. Any smart guy can see that. You're a smart guy. Should I owe you for not farting in public, too?

DOSHA JOSH: I'd settle for an obscenity-free lunch.

SPYGOD: Unless it's in !@#$ Hindi, right? I've heard you carry on, Dosha. I've known Karachi hookers with better manners.

DOSHA JOSH: "Oh eavesdropping, up yours."

SPYGOD: Whatever. Thanks for the info. And the save.

DOSHA JOSH: Not the beer?

SPYGOD: Not the greatest, but I appreciate the gesture. Kingfisher, next time?

DOSHA JOSH: Cha cha chod...

SPYGOD: He's a little too butch for me, but thanks for the offer...


6:23 AM


(REDACTED): A little late, as always.

SPYGOD: Yeah, well, I like to keep you guessing.

(REDACTED): Sadly, you're totally transparent.

SPYGOD: Only when I'm wearing the No Suit. And we all know how that goes...

(REDACTED): So, did you enjoy shooting an elderly woman in the back and face?

SPYGOD: Less than you might think, more than you might like. Why?

(REDACTED): I didn't know you had it in you.

SPYGOD: Using a dangling problem to solve a more pressing issue? Since when is that not me?

(REDACTED): One of these days you will be out of alibis and patsies. I look forward to that. I think it'll be a good day when this country finally sees you for the monster you are.

SPYGOD: I'm the best monster for the job, !@#$ face. That's why I have it. Now, can we do business, or do you want to berate me for killing a wanted supervillain who thought she'd escaped justice?


SPYGOD: I do still have the crime scene photos from that Senator's family, if you'd like to see why she went into hiding.

(REDACTED): Never mind that. Yes, we can do business. It's why I'm here, dealing with you.

SPYGOD: Okay then. Here's the package I agreed to. It's all the info I could find on those little conversations your people had with our former friend, plus a few extras.

(REDACTED): What sort of extras.

SPYGOD: Well, you know half of his all-female bodyguards are replicants. I know who made them. I gave you their shutdown codes. Three nonsense words you wouldn't tend to hear in that combination in Arabic, but they'll force a catastrophic brain meltdown in seconds.

(REDACTED): Hmm. That could be very useful in the near future.

SPYGOD: And did you get what I asked for?

(REDACTED): It's all there. I don't see how this isn't something you could get yourself, though.

SPYGOD: Me to know, you to get a gun up your !@#$ if you try and figure out.

(REDACTED): You really are Mr. Congeniality, today. No faggot sex last night?

SPYGOD: Tons of it, son. This is just how I deal with company !@#$ snakes in bad suits.

(REDACTED): !@#$ you.

SPYGOD: Please. I'd turn your !@#$hole inside out like a noggin-punched octopus. And that is not something you want to explain to your HMO.

(REDACTED): Whatever.

SPYGOD: Oh, and tell those !@#$ in the No Suits to stop trying to !@#$ follow me. Not only can I see them, but I can tell what they !@#$ had for lunch. Yesterday.

(REDACTED): I don't know what you're talking about--

SPYGOD: Devil dogs from Jerry's sidewalk stand. Extra peppers. The guy on the right held the mustard.

(REDACTED): ....

SPYGOD: Have a nice day, !@#$.


10:23 AM




SPYGOD: Why hello, doc. How are we doing today?

DR. YESTERDAY: Oh my god... I told you never to call me on an open line-

SPYGOD: Relax, doc. This thing's been scrambled so many times there's eggs out there that wish they had it this !@#$ good. I've bounced it off more satellites than the USSR had client states. No one's gonna know !@#$.

DR. YESTERDAY: Well that would be true unless I had Geri recalibrate it-

SPYGOD: And her and I have discussed this, and she made sure we've got a back door in for occasions just like this.

DR. YESTERDAY: If you say so. If he catches me-

SPYGOD: Oh man the !@#$ up, doc. He's in !@#$ Hartford making sure the !@#$ he was chasing for all those years is actually !@#$ dead. And do you really think those dumb !@#$ bluehelmets are actually going to crack your wife's back door?

DR. YESTERDAY: ... You know, you do have a point there.

SPYGOD: I do. Yes. Now, you know why I'm calling.



DR. YESTERDAY: No. We are no closer to figuring it out.

SPYGOD: Good. How long?

DR. YESTERDAY: Indefinitely. Geri has him wrapped around her little finger. He trusts her implicitly and cannot bring himself to believe she would lie to him.

SPYGOD: And the other matter we were discussing?

DR. YESTERDAY: I can't believe you still want me to go through with that. It's monstrous. It's a crime against science-

SPYGOD: Doc, you and I both know that if any human agency gets their hands on what's inside that room, the consequences could be !@#$ catastrophic. The only reason the world isn't being run by !@#$ supernazis is because they couldn't figure out how to make any of it work. And I think we both know the US Government doesn't have the world's greatest track record with these kinds of things.

DR. YESTERDAY: I know. I know. But it's... you're asking me to get ready to deny us access to the greatest mystery of our time, man! Can't you understand what you're doing?

SPYGOD: Saving the world, one day at a time. Do it. And if it comes down to it, I'll be the one to push the !@#$ button. Not you.

DR. YESTERDAY: That does not help my conscience in the slightest.

SPYGOD: Yeah, well, I'm not worried about that. I am worried about our long term survival as a planet, though.

DR. YESTERDAY: I will do it.

SPYGOD: Good. And the next time you're up in Neo York, could you have a look at METALMAID? I think she's off her programming, but I don't know how or how much.

DR. YESTERDAY: Sure, I'll do that. Would you like me to spackle your den while I'm at it? Maybe give your atomic sneakers a tune up?




(SPYGOD is listening to The Telephone Call (Kraftwerk) and having an Empire Cream Ale.)

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