Tuesday, May 31, 2011

5/31/11 - Brief Notations in the Cold and the Dark

* We have now explored all corners of the Ice Palace. Some of the things we've found defy easy description. Others defy all sane attempts to comprehend them. Therefore, I, in the name in scientific inquiry, have done my best to remain at least marginally drunk at all times. I find it helps keep it all in perspective. It also keeps my underlings from bothering me with anything but extremely important things for fear of being mistaken for a pink elephant and shot at.

* Never ask me about the night of the pink elephants. James Joyce is a bastard who needs to be reanimated just so he can be shot back dead again. That's all I'm saying about that.

* Speaking of being drunk at all times, we are, at long last, rid of the fermented penguin stuff. I made a command decision to flush it all out into the ocean, environmental consequences be damned. We've been getting a steady supply of proper, fine, and upstanding lagers from South Africa and Argentina that were not made by fascists, for fascists, out of the unmentionable parts of the noble penguin.

* The oceanographers have reported a number of killer whales acting, and I quote, "strangely," after we dumped the penguin hooch. But as long as they don't sprout extra heads and start talking in Portuguese, I'm calling this a moral victory.

* On the subject of penguins, the hypnotic stag films we cobbled together seem to have done the trick on our leftover sapient suicidal religious fanatic penguins. Unfortunately, we now have a gaggle of sapient porn-addicted religious fanatic penguins on our hands. We've sent for some disgraced, 80's evangelists to videoconfernce with them and help them over this hurdle. Then we're going to try and remove their explosives really !@#$ slowly. 

* I feel like that one guy with the crazy eyebrows in that awful Dune movie, having a meltdown over success. We won too easily, butchers bill notwithstanding, and we're finding the werewolves and boobytraps too easily. There's got to be something we're overlooking. I'm afraid we won't find it in time.

* The commie pinko from Alternet has actually proven his worth. He's decided to focus on the last group of kids that came out of the replicant tanks, documenting their first steps in a new life. He's trying to get them to understand that, for the last fifteen years, they've been listening to total !@#$ that doesn't do anything except make people want to kill you. I don't know how journalistic this really is, but it beats having him following me around with a camera and me shooting at him when I mistake him for an elephant.

* I haven't walked back into The Chamber, yet. They tell me a lot of questions we've had about ABWEHR's lopsided technological achievements since they moved down here have their answers, in there. For now I'm content to look at what they're finding back there, drink myself silly, and wake up the next day hoping that the bad dreams were hallucinations brought on by too much penguin juice. Except now I don't even have that as an excuse any longer, do I? !@#$.

* The President's still dodging !@#$ back home from our surprise invasion, and getting caught with his pants down for lying about knowing about it. I wish I could say I feel sorry for him. He was as much of a tool about this as the rest of us were. All those years we let this !@#$ go on, just so we could have a slight eye ahead of the evil scientist curve. And all this time...

* I've started and stopped Lady Lightning's eulogy fifty times and have run out of proper paper that doesn't have swastikas all over it. This counts as an emergency. I am authorizing a fact-finding mission to South Africa to get more proper paper. Also some DJs, tranny hookers, and European college kids on spring break in Jo'berg. We'll abduct them at gunpoint if we have to, and have the best coercive rave party this bleak, godforsaken continent has ever seen!

* ... once I get up off the floor.

(SPYGOD is listening World In My Eyes (Depeche Mode, by way of The Cure) and drinking Cerveza Quilmes by the boatload)

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