Saturday, May 7, 2011

5/7/11 - Cartoons, Laughter, and Death by Pissing

"If you were me what would you do?"

(Art by Dean Stahl)

Every day I get at least one !@#$ phone call that makes we wish I hadn't !@#$ing killed Hitler with my bare hands.

Today's phone call was from the licensing people. They get the same !@#$  chirpy-voice girl to ring me up, once a week, and ask me if it's okay if they attach my name or likeness to this, that, or the other thing. Usually it's harmless !@#$ like shirts, mugs, and useless gee-gaws. And sometimes I have to not have someone thrown from a rooftop.

Today was a rooftop sort of day for my corporate imaging experts.

Apparently they want to do a !@#$ing children's Saturday cartoon show based on my exploits. SPYGOD FOR HIRE or some crazy !@#$ like that. They'll have me fighting a faceless legion of bad guys who want to take over the !@#$ world by blowing up dams and stealing paintings from museums. Some people I've only ever !@#$ing worked with once will be joining me as tried-and-true companions. There will be action figures, kids' t-shirts, breakfast cereal, candy... all kinds of extra revenue streams I don't !@#$ing need.

(Pro tip: being in charge of America's Superheroes tends to make you !@#$ing rich, son. Try it sometime.)

So, I said they could !@#$ing do it. But, only as long as they had a sequence in the first episode where they showed me !@#$ing choking a man to death with his own kidneys after I gutted him.

The girl on the phone wasn't so !@#$ chirpy after that, but she said she'd see what she could do.

I laughed for a full minute, had another drink of Chateau Adolf, and rewarded myself by pissing off the balcony. I might have actually !@#$ing killed someone this time, if the traffic crash noises from below were in any way related to my urine stream. But that's probably wishful thinking.

I haven't been able to do that for years.

(SPYGOD is listening to Me! I Disconnect From You (Grace Jones, remaking Gary Numan) and having something nasty)

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