1/19/12
7:20 IN THE !@#$ AM
HOTEL RIU GUANACASTE
COSTA RICA
Well, I'll say one thing for the Secret Service. They do not !@#$ around.
It hasn't been a full !@#$ day since the Governor of Texas, a Candidate for the Republican Primary, got his uptight, homophobic !@#$ shot at the press conference he called to announce he was quitting the race. And, already, due to certain "unfortunate" comments he made about me, I'm a person of interest in their investigation.
"Unfortunate" was their word. Given that "unfortunate" includes such snippets as "an embarrassment to this country," "drunk more than sober," and "a sexual deviant," I call them "obnoxious !@#$ bull!@#$." Either way, the Secret Service thinks said bull!@#$, however occasionally true, especially when I'm !@#$ drunk off my !@#$, was a logical reason for me to go ape!@#$ and kill him.
Also logically actionable, in their way of speaking, was his claim that I tried to "indoctrinate him into the joys of homosexuality," and had to be removed from the Texas State House. I can't !@#$ think of what happened in that instance, or when that might have been. I like to think that, drunk or sober, I'd have better taste than to try and cornhole that !@#$, but I don't know. It's just possible, even if I don't !@#$ remember it now.
(I have been having some weird memory blackouts, lately. Something to talk to Doctor Yesterday about next time I see his !@#$ north of the Ice Palace, anyway.)
At any rate, I woke up this morning about as hung over as a whale !@#$ after the truly epic party we had to celebrate the return to glory of The Flier, and there's these two, blacksuited mother!@#$ outside my hotel door, needing to talk with me. I didn't even know the !@#$ was dead, so the news came as some surprise.
I also didn't know the Secret Service was violently opposed to drinking on duty, which is just as well, as I sure wasn't keen on offering them any of the leftover champagne from the night before. That !@#$'s a grand a bottle, and I think I bought enough cases to fill the hotel's pool up three times over and have enough left to drown an elephant.
So if they want to be !@#$ about me offering, well !@#$ them! So much for interdepartmental !@#$ cooperation.
The investigation consisted of them showing me video of the assassination, which I did not need to see that early in the !@#$ morning, and asking my opinion while gauging my reaction. Which is !@#$ interesting: how are you supposed to react when you watch some poor !@#$ have the back of his head blown half the !@#$ off, stand there stupidly, and fall the !@#$ down?
Me, I had them rewind it about ten or twenty times, called up for room service to get me some proper !@#$ coffee, the more of it the better, and immediately went into Scooby !@#$ Doo mode. Which is to say "We got a mystery to solve, you pot-smoking teenage reprobates. Stop !@#$ the poor dog and put your detective panties on."
Of course, they weren't too happy to have me poke my nose in. Too !@#$ bad. By the time the coffee was there I was already skimming files to see how many invisible people we can currently account for, the availability of No-Suits, and whatever facts they wanted to give me.
It eventually turned into a really ham-fisted session of Quid Pro Quo, which I don't think I came out ahead in. I managed to learn it was three shots from a .45 caliber, done at medium range, straight on. I also learned that the usual equipment they use to watch for No-Suits did not go off, which means it's either some invisible !@#$ their watchers couldn't see, or one of our No-Suits, which do not have the flaws that give them away to scanning.
(I also got to read the rest of his prepared remarks. They nauseated me more than the video. Go !@#$ figure.)
On the other hand, the !@#$ learned what all I carry on me, which includes two .45 automatics, which are usually strapped around my !@#$ high heels for emergencies. I offered to allow them to take them for ballistics checks, and told them they could have access to our stores, though we don't have a lot of those pistols around. We prefer our agents use .50 calibers, as they're big, nasty, and hard to turn around and have them used on them given the training needed to even shoot yourself in the !@#$ foot with one.
I also had to hand over the keys to our No-Suits, which means that they are no longer undetectable by our fellow Agencies. They swore up and down it'd go no further than the Secret Service, but I believe that as much as I believe the one Agent wasn't a bigger !@#$ than Billie Jean King. Though she denied it, of course.
(I told her she could be out and open in The COMPANY. She told me to stop trying to bribe her. I told her to find out what Hell Month entailed, and then get back to me about whether than was a bribe, a dare, or a !@#$ warning.)
And then they were gone, back to catch some plane and tell their superiors things I'm really not !@#$ happy they know now. That and leave me to crawl back into one of these super-expensive bottles and get our taxpayers' money's worth.
Am I worried? No, not really. I mean, I didn't really like the guy, obviously. But he had about as much chance of winning the race as I have of being crowned Ms. Ladyboy of Bangkok, so there goes my motive. Plus, I was on a platform, watching The Flier get rebuilt from the atomic level up at the time he was having his brains turned to jelly on live TV, which gives me enough witnesses to cover my fine, gay !@#$ a hundred times over.
BUT.
I could have bribed them.
I could have used some time machine bull!@#$ to go cap his !@#$ at any time.
I could have used mind control or holograms to make them think I was there.
I could have !@#$ hired someone to do it, for that matter. Or ordered someone, if it's one of our No-Suits.
Worse, it doesn't even have to have happened yet. Maybe I didn't kill him yet. Maybe in a week, a month, a year, or sometime next !@#$ century I find out that I have to be the one to go back in time and do this because he was going to turn into a giant mouth on legs and !@#$ eat Houston like a big, gay bonbon if I didn't?
They wonder why I'm drunk more than I'm sober? It's because of !@#$ like this. Not knowing if I am really innocent of anything I get accused of, ever. And that is the dictionary definition of "!@#$ Terrifying," right there.
(I wish I could call Straffer and talk to him about it, but I suspect he's busy. He hasn't called me since the plan went off, and that was a really short !@#$ call. I feel like something's amiss but maybe that's just nerves. Or missing him. Or... yeah, that one word.)
I've got that petroglyph thing to look into, but I think that's a tomorrow kind of thing. Today I'm going to sit here, drink champagne and coffee, and wish I could be someone else, somewhere else.
I have the feeling this is the start of something !@#$ nasty. Or maybe it's already starting and this is just the first domino I've seen fall. Another definition of "!@#$ Terrifying."
Or "!@#$ Annoying."
1/20/12
11:20 AM
NGUVU HEADQUARTERS
ADDIS ABABA, ETHIOPIA
The former head of BUSH wakes up in his cell, aware that he's got a visitor. He snorts when he sees who it is, though, and rolls over on his bunk.
"Go away, please," he says: "I told you people before, I am not interested in a link-up."
"Oh, this is not that, my friend," his visitor says, the iron door slamming behind him: "The time for link-up is past. Well past."
"What do you mean?" the prisoner says, rolling over just a little.
"Link-up suggests a meeting of two groups. A temporary blending of strengths to meet a challenge, or deal with a threat."
"I do know how my language works, sir."
"Yes, but do you realize you no longer have a group to link up with?"
That gets his attention. He rolls over and sits up, disbelieving.
"BUSH no longer exists, as of yesterday," his visitor says, sitting down next to him on the bunk: "NGUVU has taken control of it, at the urging of the African Union. Your more useful services, such as dealing with extraterrestrials, are being handed over to NGUVU to deal with. Everything else... well, I think there are a lot of underemployed men and women in Johannesburg, tonight. Many widows and orphans, also."
"How could they do that?" the man spits, disbelieving: "They do not have the authority!"
"Well, might is right, my friend. So long as you had some might to balance out theirs, you may have had a point. But then you had to be embarrassed by that SPYGOD fellow."
Oh yes. That. The former head of BUSH glowers and looks away, obviously not wanting to discuss the matter. But his visitor presses the point.
"Tell me, my friend. You are not a stupid man. You are well educated, well versed in the art of spycraft. What were you thinking, engineering such a colossally foolish scheme?"
"I was thinking it was time he was made to pay for what he did."
"You would have done better to pay back the people who fooled him into doing it."
"I do not accept his excuse. It doesn't make my great aunt any happier to know her husband's assassin was tricked into killing him."
"And there, I think, is the truth of the matter," the visitor says, standing up and looking down at the prisoner: "Ego, my friend. Pride. You allowed them to get the better of you. And now, you are a man without power. Without a country, too, as of this morning."
"What?"
"Yes, you've been washed away. Between the embarrassment SPYGOD dealt you, in your own headquarters, and some very upset Israelis, South Africa has washed their hands of you. As far as they are concerned, you no longer exist. Which means NGUVU can keep you here as long as they want. And that could be some time."
"What are you offering?"
"Who says I'm offering anything?"
"You wouldn't be here if you weren't. Taunting me is not your style."
"Who's to say it isn't? How do you know what my style is?"
More glowering. More looking askance. This isn't going well at all.
"But let's pretend for a moment I am offering something. What are you willing to offer, now that you have nothing?"
"I have a working knowledge of everything my organization has been up to since its inception," he says, trying desperately to sound as non-desperate as possible: "I know things that are not in the files. Operations so classified we didn't even write them down. I know where the bodies are buried, where the treasures are kept. I can be the best ally you didn't know you had."
"Which is, presumably, why NGUVU hasn't come in here, yet," the man says: "But we could always just use an N-Machine and take all that, which they may yet do. What can you do for my people that is separate from that?"
"Some of the information isn't accessible without certain hypnotic triggers," he says: "If you used the Nebylitsin machine on me, you would never get it."
"Which they probably know. Otherwise they'd be working on you, even now. They must be getting a hypnotist."
"They wouldn't..."
"Oh, they would. They will. You are no one, belonging to no thing and nowhere. This the price of failure."
"What do you want?"
"I want access to The Object," he says.
The man's eyes go wide and he gasps: "You... you know what you're saying? You know what it is?"
"Yes. I do. We need it. You can lead us to it. And in return I will get you out of this cell, and free."
He doesn't need to be told twice. He agrees. And when NGUVU's operatives come to retrieve him, N-Machine in hand, he's long gone.
(SPYGOD is listening to A Love Like Blood (Killing Joke) and still downing that expensive champagne)
Showing posts with label 2012 elections. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2012 elections. Show all posts
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
1/16-18/12 - Et in Arcadia, Arcadia Ego
1/16/12
FOX NEWS REPUBLICAN DEBATE
MYRTLE BEACH CONVENTION CENTER
Moderator: This question is going to Governor Perry. Sir, I'm sure you, like your fellow candidates, have been noticing that the role of America's Strategic Talents in the world has changed quite a bit in the last year. The COMPANY, which oversees America's Supers, has declared outright war against a number of America's enemies. The remnants of the Fourth Reich, ABWEHR, are gone, as are the Legion, and, as of just before Christmas, HONEYCOMB.
While many are applauding the effort, there's been some question as to the decision making process behind this offensive. Word from the White House is that SPYGOD, the head of The COMPANY, did not seek permission from the President, nor confer with him as to the ramifications of the matter before going off on this crusade. Indeed, we're told the President was embarrassed on live television for trying to take credit for the raid on Antarctica, only to be told off by SPYGOD, himself.
(Audience laughter)
Moderator: Now, sir-
Perry: Is there a question in all that?
(Audience laughter)
Moderator: Yes, sir. You've spoken before on the need for a strong military, and the need to react quickly and unilaterally against threats. Do you approve of what The COMPANY is doing? And do you think SPYGOD is handling the matter as well as he ought to be, given that the man who he reports to directly is apparently completely out of the decision making loop?
Perry: Well, I can't help but think there's a few gotchas in that question, to be honest. But let's be honest, here. I think it's about time that we went after these people. We went after the people who were responsible for The Computer Hell Virus, and we've been going after terrorists in the Middle East since before then. Especially the ones who tried to hijack planes and crash them into Neo York City and Washington D.C.
My concern, here, is why didn't we do this sooner? I mean...
(Audience applause)
Let's face it, the guy who's running this agency, SPYGOD. He could have done this at any time in the last twenty or thirty years. Instead, they've been playing the game where they attack us, we stop them, we go after them, they retreat, and then a month or two later, maybe a year later, they pop up again and attack us, and we're doing it all over again. Why didn't we hammer them earlier, like this? Why did we wait?
So I think we need to ask that question. I think the answer will have something to do with this President trying to shore up what's otherwise going to be a really sorry legacy.
(Audience applause)
Perry: I think the notion that he didn't know what his Super Spy in Chief was doing is ludicrous and a dodge. I think he approved it all and then hung SPYGOD out to dry, so he could take some of the credit when it was all over and he could be rid of SPYGOD, because, let's face it, the man is an embarrassment to this country.
(Audience applause, some booing)
Perry: Now, I've had some run-ins with SPYGOD, and I've never walked away from them feeling like he's in any way, shape, or form able to handle our nation's security. Word is that he's drunk more often than he's sober, taking all kinds of non-prescription medicines and maybe some illegal drugs, having improper relations with members of his own staff. And, let's not mince words here, he's a sexual deviant, and I think that sends the wrong message to our allies and enemies.
If the President cared about the security of this country, he'd have done the right thing and sent him packing as soon as he got the lay of the Oval Office down.
Moderator: Congressman Paul? Should he have been sent packing? I know you've been critical of SPYGOD in the past.
Paul: Well... not exactly. You see, most of my criticism of him comes from what the previous administration had him doing on America's behalf around the world. I think there was a lot of serious mistakes going on in terms of foreign policy and how we treated our fellow nations back then, and SPYGOD was being used just like any other agency the President has direct control over. And now that things have changed in the Oval Office, well, sort of changed, you know how I feel about that by now.
(Audience laughter)
\
Paul: I think he's doing the right thing. We have to remember that, every day, this country is under siege by numerous dangerous organizations. There is essentially an undeclared war against our way of life. People like SPYGOD are our soldiers on the front lines. So let's not get too excited about his personal life. Let's look at the good he's done, and continues to do.
Moderator: Sir, I'm kind of confused. In 2008 you said, quote, "SPYGOD is the devil incarnate. He takes all the hard work our diplomats and soldiers do and essentially flushes it down the commode. He overrides the President with the barrel of a gun and just does what he wants. And as if that wasn't enough, he's the most immoral and obnoxious person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. He's also an avowed homosexual, and that makes him the ultimate security risk. The man has to go, The COMPANY needs to be reformed, and if you send me to the other side of the National Mall that's exactly what I will do."
(Audience applause, laughter)
Paul: Oh, well, I didn't exactly say that.
(Audience boos)
Paul: That... that was in one of my newsletters. Someone who used to work for me took that out of context and wrote it up. You know how these things are. But I will say this, The COMPANY could stand some reform, just like every Agency and Department in Washington, and I am the only person up here who would seek to follow the Constitution while doing so.
Moderator: Governor Romney? Is he the only one who could bring that reform to the table, when it comes to The COMPANY and America's war on Super Terror?
Romney: No, I don't think he is. I think that egregious flip-flop we just witnessed is shameful. I was there when those words were spoken by the Congressman. He didn't have a wayward intern write them down in one of those questionable newsletters of his, that he still won't take credit for all of, even though his own name's on the top. We have to take responsibility for our own words, Mr. Congressman. We can't dodge them.
(Audience applause)
Romney: And with responsibility comes a lot of responsibilities. Or great power, or something.
(Audience laughter)
Romney: I don't know, maybe something, there. I think we could ask the President. He reads that kind of stuff instead of how the country's really doing these days.
(Audience applause, laughter)
Romney: But to continue the answer, yes. SPYGOD needs to go. The man is an embarrassment to this nation. The COMPANY needs to continue on, because it does a lot of good work, and keeps us safe, but the man at the top of the Agency is a morally corrupt, out of control individual who's one drunk night away from causing another world war.
I mean, did you hear that we almost got in a shooting match with South Korea late last year because of something he did, over there? And, as usual, the President had no idea he was even there until he was reading in the papers about how the South Korean authorities had to try and arrest him for doing something I'm not even going to talk about here. It was that distasteful.
Moderator: I take it you're referring to his relieving himself on the grave of a South Korean President?
Paul: Well, didn't General Park urinate on his people's basic, God given liberty and freedom for years?
(Audience applause)
Paul: I mean, he stood up against Communism, but the man was a dictator. This is what I've been trying to say. We need to have a better foreign policy that's based on the golden rule-
Moderator: Congressman Paul, I think the Governor has the floor.
Romney: That's right, I do.
(Audience laughter)
Romney: But I think that's all I had to say on the matter, really. The man is clearly out of control, just like a lot of Washington since the President took office. I think our nation's safety and security is too important to put in the hands of someone who carries on like it's a wild Hollywood party.
(Audience applause)
Moderator: Out of control, wild Hollywood party, Governor Santorum?
Santorum: Absolutely. I think it's disgusting that we've let this immoral farce go on for as long as it has. I actually had the displeasure of meeting SPYGOD one time, when he was doing something top secret in Pennsylvania, when I was Governor. I had some complaints about how he was doing his business, and... well, I won't even tell you what he told me. It was just that hideous.
Moderator: Wasn't it something to do with Governor Dwyer, I think, sir? The Pennsylvania governor who shot himself on live television?
Santorum: You know, I really don't want to talk about it. That was a terrible episode in our state's history. I'd really rather we got past that. And I think we should get past SPYGOD, too. The sooner the better.
Moderator: Speaker Gingrich, you look like you've been gearing up to give a answer to this question.
(Audience laughter)
Gingrich: Was it that obvious?
(Audience laughter)
Gingrich: I'm going to differ a little from my colleagues, here. I think the basic fact is that, in an Administration that's been hamstrung by incompetence and waywardness, and utterly bereft of any guiding principles, other than getting re-elected, the only things that are really getting done are by SPYGOD. The man has done more to shore up our nation's security in the last year than the President has in the last four, and I suspect his sudden burst of activity has more to do with his being as disgusted as most Americans are at our current state of defense.
(Audience applause)
Gingrich: Now, having said that, yes, on an interpersonal level, the man is a little weird.
(Audience laughter, puzzlement)
Gingrich: However, we have to remember that he made a massive sacrifice many decades ago in order to safeguard not only America, but the entire world. He has a number of strikes against him and genuine handicaps as a result of that sacrifice. And while that's not always an excuse for some of his cruder displays, for which he can and should be taken to task, I think the positives far outweigh the negatives. We have to-
Santorum: He threatened the sanctity of my anus with what appeared to be a rocket launcher, Mr. Speaker.
Perry: He offered to indoctrinate me into the joys of homosexuality. I had to have my bodyguards chase him out of the Statehouse.
Romney: He also threatened me with something about the UFO that Joseph Smith came to Earth in... whatever that meant.
Gingrich: Well, I'm not going to comment on what he may or may not have said, or occasionally done while he was off duty. Let's look at what he did for his country, then and now, and consider that, if anyone had to be the one to do what he did for the sake the world, we should be grateful it was him, and not someone from the Soviet Union or China.
Romney: You know, you can only play that 'He killed Hitler' card a number of times. Mr. Speaker, you're a historian. Let's not forget that, before he betrayed our country, Benedict Arnold was a hero, too.
(Audience applause)
Gingrich: Now, now-
Moderator: Mr. Speaker? My apologies, bit we have to take a break, now. We'll come back and talk about foreign policy.
1/17/12
4:58 PM
THE ICE PALACE
For a moment, Mr. USA doesn't know what to do.
The horrible voice on the other end of the phone call has just told him what his new orders are. He blinks, fighting back tears, and exhales, and inhales sharply.
"No," he says. The first time he's ever spoken during one of these calls: "No."
"Did I hear you correctly, (REDACTED)?" The voice asks, mockingly: "Did you actually say no? To me?"
"You... you can't ask that of me, sir," the hero says: "It goes against everything. Everything I stand for. Everything we stand for. America. I can't-"
"You can and you will," the voice insists: "You will do exactly as you have been instructed. You will follow those commands to the letter. You will not falter. You will not renege on our agreement. And you show the slightest deviation from the plan, she will suffer."
She. Oh God. She.
He tries to regain his composure. He coughs and tries not to sound as !@#$ screwed up and around as he actually is, right now. But it's useless.
"I'm sorry. It's just... sir, do you know what you're asking?"
"You must be joking, (REDACTED)," the voice replies after a very unnerving moment of silence: "I've known what I was doing since this started. I've known what I was doing since before you even came into the equation. The question is, do you know what I'm telling?"
Another hitched breath. A shudder.
"Let me put it to you this way, hero," the voice continues: "I'm looking at her right now."
"Oh no. Please, no..."
"I am looking at her through a very large scope."
"Oh God. No. Please, sir. No."
"You know what kind of scope it is. It's the kind we use when we need to end someone from a long way away, and not miss."
"Please-"
"She's in the backyard, completely unaware that she's being watched. And all I have to do is squeeze, just a little bit. Just squeeze. And then she won't be aware of anything. Not. Ever. Again."
Mr. USA drops to his knees, trying not to sob any more. Knowing what comes next makes all the difference in the world.
"Now, just so we're clear. This has been a major breach of protocol on your part. You're not supposed to be talking to me unless I ask you questions. You're not supposed to be begging me for mercy. You know the parameters of our arrangement. You listen, you obey, she lives."
He says nothing. He wants to scream. He can't say a word.
"Now go and do what I've ordered. I'm hanging up now. But just so you know? From now on, there will be three men watching her through scopes. Good luck trying to stop them all."
The phone call ends. Mr. USA screams. No one hears him.
Not even SPYGOD.
1/18/12
11:00 AM
NORTH CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
The Press surrounds the podium, waiting for the Governor to arrive. The word is that he's going to say something important. Better word is that, after dismal poll showings and a distinct lack of funds, he's going to throw in the towel. The questions, then, are how he'll throw it, and who, if anyone, he'll endorse on the way out.
Hundreds of miles away, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, floats what's left of The Flier. A skeleton crew of Agents keeps it as ship-shape as possible, waiting for repairs that have been hamstrung by bureaucracy and small-mindedness. They've also been keeping scavengers away, knowing that even the weakest weapons system on board could start or end a war, somewhere, or at least fetch a good price for someone wanting to sell it.
That and fishing. Lots of fishing. The cookouts have become legendary, now.
The Governor walks out, waving this way and that. Thank yous are said. Small talk is made. He grips the podium, basking in the love, or at least the camera flashes, and as he smiles and prepares to speak it's obvious that he knows this is it, at least for a while. The race is over, and this moment will never come again.
“As I’ve stated numerous times during the campaign, this campaign has never been about the candidate. I ran for president because I love America. I love our people. I love our freedom and, matter of fact, this mission is greater than any one man."
The Agents feel the platforms before they see them. The radios squawk into life and instructions pour out of them. The day they've been waiting for is here, at long last.
The reconstruction is finally here.
"As I’ve traveled across this great country, starting here in Charleston, going to New Hampshire, Iowa, California, down into Florida, numerous states in between obviously. I just covered this tremendous purpose, resiliency of our people. They’ve never lost hope despite the circumstances we find ourselves in. They haven’t stopped believing in the promise of America. They haven’t stopped believing in the American dream. Americans are down but we can never be counted out. We’re too great a people for that."
In moments, everyone has the rafts ready to go and is flinging everything they need into them. Not that they need a lot, of course, but while they've been preparing for this moment for quite some time, no one's really sure how long it might take.
And the last thing they want is to be caught without crucial supplies while waiting for The Flier to rise again.
"What’s broken in America is not our people, it’s our politics. And what we need in Washington is a place that is humbler with a federal government that is smaller so that our people can live freer.
I entered this campaign offering a unique perspective. A governor who had led a large state leading a nation in job creation. An executive leader who had implemented conservative principles. A son of tenant farmers who was born with little more than a good name but who has experienced the great opportunity and freedom of this country."
The platforms are overhead moments after all the rafts are away, and all Agents a safe distance from the Flier. They watch as large boxes are tossed out the sides and back of each platform, falling down to a certain height and then exploding as their cargo violently exits. What looks like clouds of smoke but are actually swarms of tiny, single-use construction robots float on the breeze for a moment, and then rocket down to the stricken shell of what used to be The COMPANY's first, last, and best defense.
"But I’ve never believed the cause of conservatism is embodied by one individual. Our party and the conservative philosophy transcends any one individual. It’s a movement of ideas that are greater than any one of us and will live long past any of us in our lives.
"As a former air force pilot, I don’t get confused. I know we can’t lose track of the ultimate objective of carrying out our mission and that objective is not only to defeat President Obama but to replace him with a conservative leader who will bring about real change."
The clouds touch down, covering the wreck, and the resulting conversion from broken junk to base elements is swift and merciless. The mighty but old superstructure is dismantled in moments, and turned into a churning sea of metal, rubber, and plastic.
As the Agents watch from above and below, the sea expands like a wave, but then falters and, like the swiftly receding tide that warns of a tsunami, rushes back to the center. And in that center, the boiling, roiling mass begins to take shape, again.
"Our country is hurting. Make no mistake about that. Thirteen million people out of work. Fifty million of our citizens on food stamps. Fifteen trillion dollar national debt and growing. A Supers program that's run by an insane, militant homosexual. We need bold, conservative leadership that will take on the entrenched interests and give the American People their country back."
Length first, then height, then depth. Steel tendrils shoot forward, wrapping around each other and becoming framework, then passageways, then rooms. The skeleton is wrapped in armored skin, and weapons systems begin to reform over that.
Mighty engines are rebuilt from the inside out and placed where they need to go. Flight platforms self-rivet into place. Engine rooms assemble, and are brought partially online to fuel the ship as it recreates itself. Control decks clamber over one another like block towers falling in reverse.
A distant, atonal hum becomes the mighty thrum of its metal hearts beating, shuddering the leviathan into motion. Foot by foot, the machine rises from the ocean, its lights forming like fruit rotting in reverse and then glowing as bright as newborn suns.
"I have always believed the mission is greater than the man. As I have contemplated the future of this campaign, I have come to the conclusion that there is no viable path forward for me in this 2012 campaign.
"Therefore, today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich for president of the United States."
The Agents cheer, and then begin to paddle closer to the newborn machine. They don't need to know exactly what's going on in there, except that, once inside, they expect that it'll be everything they ever wanted in The Flier, but didn't think they'd get.
They have faith. Sometimes that's more than enough. Sometimes that brings forth miracles.
There is a gasp and then a room full of applause. The tattoo of cameras and the surging of microphones increases. The Governor smiles, knowing that this moment will never come again, either, but if he's played his card right, this could be the start of something new and different.
"I believe Newt is a conservative visionary who can transform our country. We’ve had our differences, which campaigns will inevitably have. And Newt is not perfect, but who among us is?
"The fact is, there is forgiveness for those who seek God and I believe in the power of redemption, for it is a central tenet of my Christian faith."
"This is Agent Knowles," says the first Agent to get to the Bridge: "We have The Flier secured, sir."
"How does it look down there, son?" SPYGOD's voice says over the intercom, clear as FM radio.
"It's... it's beautiful, sir," the Agent says, looking around a bridge that's even more spacious and beautiful than the last one: "I think I've seen the face of God made manifest in our mighty fortress."
"Son, when I get down there, you and I are having a very large drink," SPYGOD says: "And then I'm going to teach you what the !@#$ not to say over an open channel."
The Governor opens his mouth again, to speak, but then hears some strange noises. At first he thinks it's someone slamming a door one time too many, but then he has a terrible pain in his head that flares up like a sudden migraine, and gets so bad so quickly that he feels the need to just sit down.
Lie down, really, and people scream as he does. That's the first thing that really tells him that something's wrong. That and the weird, warm wet running down his neck, his shoulders, the back of his shirt.
Something's wrong, but he's still not sure what.
The worst thing is that he can't think. As people surround him, he can't remember who they are, or what they are to him. As the lights dim to the slowing beat of his heart he can't imagine why they seem so concerned.
Truly, this is paradise, he thinks he hears someone saying. He imagines a large space full of bright lights and happy, jubilant people, all drinking champagne from fluted glasses. Someone in a black leather uniform with an eyepatch is all but forcing one on him, berating him teasingly for not drinking enough.
You gotta sin to get saved around here, son, the man says, grinning ear to ear: Now drink up before some chicken!@#$ bureaucrat realizes how much we just spent on nanotech and wants to crawl up our !@#$ with a ruler to get every last penny accounted for. We got us a date in Costa !@#$ Rica.
Bewildered, the Governor closes his eyes once, then twice. The next time they open it's for good, until some kind soul, apparently unafraid of the ruin his head's become, runs a gentle hand over them to see they're closed.
And then there's nothing. Nothing at all.
(SPYGOD is listening to Democracy (Killing Joke) and having some $1000 a bottle Champagne)
FOX NEWS REPUBLICAN DEBATE
MYRTLE BEACH CONVENTION CENTER
Moderator: This question is going to Governor Perry. Sir, I'm sure you, like your fellow candidates, have been noticing that the role of America's Strategic Talents in the world has changed quite a bit in the last year. The COMPANY, which oversees America's Supers, has declared outright war against a number of America's enemies. The remnants of the Fourth Reich, ABWEHR, are gone, as are the Legion, and, as of just before Christmas, HONEYCOMB.
While many are applauding the effort, there's been some question as to the decision making process behind this offensive. Word from the White House is that SPYGOD, the head of The COMPANY, did not seek permission from the President, nor confer with him as to the ramifications of the matter before going off on this crusade. Indeed, we're told the President was embarrassed on live television for trying to take credit for the raid on Antarctica, only to be told off by SPYGOD, himself.
(Audience laughter)
Moderator: Now, sir-
Perry: Is there a question in all that?
(Audience laughter)
Moderator: Yes, sir. You've spoken before on the need for a strong military, and the need to react quickly and unilaterally against threats. Do you approve of what The COMPANY is doing? And do you think SPYGOD is handling the matter as well as he ought to be, given that the man who he reports to directly is apparently completely out of the decision making loop?
Perry: Well, I can't help but think there's a few gotchas in that question, to be honest. But let's be honest, here. I think it's about time that we went after these people. We went after the people who were responsible for The Computer Hell Virus, and we've been going after terrorists in the Middle East since before then. Especially the ones who tried to hijack planes and crash them into Neo York City and Washington D.C.
My concern, here, is why didn't we do this sooner? I mean...
(Audience applause)
Let's face it, the guy who's running this agency, SPYGOD. He could have done this at any time in the last twenty or thirty years. Instead, they've been playing the game where they attack us, we stop them, we go after them, they retreat, and then a month or two later, maybe a year later, they pop up again and attack us, and we're doing it all over again. Why didn't we hammer them earlier, like this? Why did we wait?
So I think we need to ask that question. I think the answer will have something to do with this President trying to shore up what's otherwise going to be a really sorry legacy.
(Audience applause)
Perry: I think the notion that he didn't know what his Super Spy in Chief was doing is ludicrous and a dodge. I think he approved it all and then hung SPYGOD out to dry, so he could take some of the credit when it was all over and he could be rid of SPYGOD, because, let's face it, the man is an embarrassment to this country.
(Audience applause, some booing)
Perry: Now, I've had some run-ins with SPYGOD, and I've never walked away from them feeling like he's in any way, shape, or form able to handle our nation's security. Word is that he's drunk more often than he's sober, taking all kinds of non-prescription medicines and maybe some illegal drugs, having improper relations with members of his own staff. And, let's not mince words here, he's a sexual deviant, and I think that sends the wrong message to our allies and enemies.
If the President cared about the security of this country, he'd have done the right thing and sent him packing as soon as he got the lay of the Oval Office down.
Moderator: Congressman Paul? Should he have been sent packing? I know you've been critical of SPYGOD in the past.
Paul: Well... not exactly. You see, most of my criticism of him comes from what the previous administration had him doing on America's behalf around the world. I think there was a lot of serious mistakes going on in terms of foreign policy and how we treated our fellow nations back then, and SPYGOD was being used just like any other agency the President has direct control over. And now that things have changed in the Oval Office, well, sort of changed, you know how I feel about that by now.
(Audience laughter)
\
Paul: I think he's doing the right thing. We have to remember that, every day, this country is under siege by numerous dangerous organizations. There is essentially an undeclared war against our way of life. People like SPYGOD are our soldiers on the front lines. So let's not get too excited about his personal life. Let's look at the good he's done, and continues to do.
Moderator: Sir, I'm kind of confused. In 2008 you said, quote, "SPYGOD is the devil incarnate. He takes all the hard work our diplomats and soldiers do and essentially flushes it down the commode. He overrides the President with the barrel of a gun and just does what he wants. And as if that wasn't enough, he's the most immoral and obnoxious person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. He's also an avowed homosexual, and that makes him the ultimate security risk. The man has to go, The COMPANY needs to be reformed, and if you send me to the other side of the National Mall that's exactly what I will do."
(Audience applause, laughter)
Paul: Oh, well, I didn't exactly say that.
(Audience boos)
Paul: That... that was in one of my newsletters. Someone who used to work for me took that out of context and wrote it up. You know how these things are. But I will say this, The COMPANY could stand some reform, just like every Agency and Department in Washington, and I am the only person up here who would seek to follow the Constitution while doing so.
Moderator: Governor Romney? Is he the only one who could bring that reform to the table, when it comes to The COMPANY and America's war on Super Terror?
Romney: No, I don't think he is. I think that egregious flip-flop we just witnessed is shameful. I was there when those words were spoken by the Congressman. He didn't have a wayward intern write them down in one of those questionable newsletters of his, that he still won't take credit for all of, even though his own name's on the top. We have to take responsibility for our own words, Mr. Congressman. We can't dodge them.
(Audience applause)
Romney: And with responsibility comes a lot of responsibilities. Or great power, or something.
(Audience laughter)
Romney: I don't know, maybe something, there. I think we could ask the President. He reads that kind of stuff instead of how the country's really doing these days.
(Audience applause, laughter)
Romney: But to continue the answer, yes. SPYGOD needs to go. The man is an embarrassment to this nation. The COMPANY needs to continue on, because it does a lot of good work, and keeps us safe, but the man at the top of the Agency is a morally corrupt, out of control individual who's one drunk night away from causing another world war.
I mean, did you hear that we almost got in a shooting match with South Korea late last year because of something he did, over there? And, as usual, the President had no idea he was even there until he was reading in the papers about how the South Korean authorities had to try and arrest him for doing something I'm not even going to talk about here. It was that distasteful.
Moderator: I take it you're referring to his relieving himself on the grave of a South Korean President?
Paul: Well, didn't General Park urinate on his people's basic, God given liberty and freedom for years?
(Audience applause)
Paul: I mean, he stood up against Communism, but the man was a dictator. This is what I've been trying to say. We need to have a better foreign policy that's based on the golden rule-
Moderator: Congressman Paul, I think the Governor has the floor.
Romney: That's right, I do.
(Audience laughter)
Romney: But I think that's all I had to say on the matter, really. The man is clearly out of control, just like a lot of Washington since the President took office. I think our nation's safety and security is too important to put in the hands of someone who carries on like it's a wild Hollywood party.
(Audience applause)
Moderator: Out of control, wild Hollywood party, Governor Santorum?
Santorum: Absolutely. I think it's disgusting that we've let this immoral farce go on for as long as it has. I actually had the displeasure of meeting SPYGOD one time, when he was doing something top secret in Pennsylvania, when I was Governor. I had some complaints about how he was doing his business, and... well, I won't even tell you what he told me. It was just that hideous.
Moderator: Wasn't it something to do with Governor Dwyer, I think, sir? The Pennsylvania governor who shot himself on live television?
Santorum: You know, I really don't want to talk about it. That was a terrible episode in our state's history. I'd really rather we got past that. And I think we should get past SPYGOD, too. The sooner the better.
Moderator: Speaker Gingrich, you look like you've been gearing up to give a answer to this question.
(Audience laughter)
Gingrich: Was it that obvious?
(Audience laughter)
Gingrich: I'm going to differ a little from my colleagues, here. I think the basic fact is that, in an Administration that's been hamstrung by incompetence and waywardness, and utterly bereft of any guiding principles, other than getting re-elected, the only things that are really getting done are by SPYGOD. The man has done more to shore up our nation's security in the last year than the President has in the last four, and I suspect his sudden burst of activity has more to do with his being as disgusted as most Americans are at our current state of defense.
(Audience applause)
Gingrich: Now, having said that, yes, on an interpersonal level, the man is a little weird.
(Audience laughter, puzzlement)
Gingrich: However, we have to remember that he made a massive sacrifice many decades ago in order to safeguard not only America, but the entire world. He has a number of strikes against him and genuine handicaps as a result of that sacrifice. And while that's not always an excuse for some of his cruder displays, for which he can and should be taken to task, I think the positives far outweigh the negatives. We have to-
Santorum: He threatened the sanctity of my anus with what appeared to be a rocket launcher, Mr. Speaker.
Perry: He offered to indoctrinate me into the joys of homosexuality. I had to have my bodyguards chase him out of the Statehouse.
Romney: He also threatened me with something about the UFO that Joseph Smith came to Earth in... whatever that meant.
Gingrich: Well, I'm not going to comment on what he may or may not have said, or occasionally done while he was off duty. Let's look at what he did for his country, then and now, and consider that, if anyone had to be the one to do what he did for the sake the world, we should be grateful it was him, and not someone from the Soviet Union or China.
Romney: You know, you can only play that 'He killed Hitler' card a number of times. Mr. Speaker, you're a historian. Let's not forget that, before he betrayed our country, Benedict Arnold was a hero, too.
(Audience applause)
Gingrich: Now, now-
Moderator: Mr. Speaker? My apologies, bit we have to take a break, now. We'll come back and talk about foreign policy.
1/17/12
4:58 PM
THE ICE PALACE
For a moment, Mr. USA doesn't know what to do.
The horrible voice on the other end of the phone call has just told him what his new orders are. He blinks, fighting back tears, and exhales, and inhales sharply.
"No," he says. The first time he's ever spoken during one of these calls: "No."
"Did I hear you correctly, (REDACTED)?" The voice asks, mockingly: "Did you actually say no? To me?"
"You... you can't ask that of me, sir," the hero says: "It goes against everything. Everything I stand for. Everything we stand for. America. I can't-"
"You can and you will," the voice insists: "You will do exactly as you have been instructed. You will follow those commands to the letter. You will not falter. You will not renege on our agreement. And you show the slightest deviation from the plan, she will suffer."
She. Oh God. She.
He tries to regain his composure. He coughs and tries not to sound as !@#$ screwed up and around as he actually is, right now. But it's useless.
"I'm sorry. It's just... sir, do you know what you're asking?"
"You must be joking, (REDACTED)," the voice replies after a very unnerving moment of silence: "I've known what I was doing since this started. I've known what I was doing since before you even came into the equation. The question is, do you know what I'm telling?"
Another hitched breath. A shudder.
"Let me put it to you this way, hero," the voice continues: "I'm looking at her right now."
"Oh no. Please, no..."
"I am looking at her through a very large scope."
"Oh God. No. Please, sir. No."
"You know what kind of scope it is. It's the kind we use when we need to end someone from a long way away, and not miss."
"Please-"
"She's in the backyard, completely unaware that she's being watched. And all I have to do is squeeze, just a little bit. Just squeeze. And then she won't be aware of anything. Not. Ever. Again."
Mr. USA drops to his knees, trying not to sob any more. Knowing what comes next makes all the difference in the world.
"Now, just so we're clear. This has been a major breach of protocol on your part. You're not supposed to be talking to me unless I ask you questions. You're not supposed to be begging me for mercy. You know the parameters of our arrangement. You listen, you obey, she lives."
He says nothing. He wants to scream. He can't say a word.
"Now go and do what I've ordered. I'm hanging up now. But just so you know? From now on, there will be three men watching her through scopes. Good luck trying to stop them all."
The phone call ends. Mr. USA screams. No one hears him.
Not even SPYGOD.
1/18/12
11:00 AM
NORTH CHARLESTON, SOUTH CAROLINA
The Press surrounds the podium, waiting for the Governor to arrive. The word is that he's going to say something important. Better word is that, after dismal poll showings and a distinct lack of funds, he's going to throw in the towel. The questions, then, are how he'll throw it, and who, if anyone, he'll endorse on the way out.
Hundreds of miles away, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, floats what's left of The Flier. A skeleton crew of Agents keeps it as ship-shape as possible, waiting for repairs that have been hamstrung by bureaucracy and small-mindedness. They've also been keeping scavengers away, knowing that even the weakest weapons system on board could start or end a war, somewhere, or at least fetch a good price for someone wanting to sell it.
That and fishing. Lots of fishing. The cookouts have become legendary, now.
The Governor walks out, waving this way and that. Thank yous are said. Small talk is made. He grips the podium, basking in the love, or at least the camera flashes, and as he smiles and prepares to speak it's obvious that he knows this is it, at least for a while. The race is over, and this moment will never come again.
“As I’ve stated numerous times during the campaign, this campaign has never been about the candidate. I ran for president because I love America. I love our people. I love our freedom and, matter of fact, this mission is greater than any one man."
The Agents feel the platforms before they see them. The radios squawk into life and instructions pour out of them. The day they've been waiting for is here, at long last.
The reconstruction is finally here.
"As I’ve traveled across this great country, starting here in Charleston, going to New Hampshire, Iowa, California, down into Florida, numerous states in between obviously. I just covered this tremendous purpose, resiliency of our people. They’ve never lost hope despite the circumstances we find ourselves in. They haven’t stopped believing in the promise of America. They haven’t stopped believing in the American dream. Americans are down but we can never be counted out. We’re too great a people for that."
In moments, everyone has the rafts ready to go and is flinging everything they need into them. Not that they need a lot, of course, but while they've been preparing for this moment for quite some time, no one's really sure how long it might take.
And the last thing they want is to be caught without crucial supplies while waiting for The Flier to rise again.
"What’s broken in America is not our people, it’s our politics. And what we need in Washington is a place that is humbler with a federal government that is smaller so that our people can live freer.
I entered this campaign offering a unique perspective. A governor who had led a large state leading a nation in job creation. An executive leader who had implemented conservative principles. A son of tenant farmers who was born with little more than a good name but who has experienced the great opportunity and freedom of this country."
The platforms are overhead moments after all the rafts are away, and all Agents a safe distance from the Flier. They watch as large boxes are tossed out the sides and back of each platform, falling down to a certain height and then exploding as their cargo violently exits. What looks like clouds of smoke but are actually swarms of tiny, single-use construction robots float on the breeze for a moment, and then rocket down to the stricken shell of what used to be The COMPANY's first, last, and best defense.
"But I’ve never believed the cause of conservatism is embodied by one individual. Our party and the conservative philosophy transcends any one individual. It’s a movement of ideas that are greater than any one of us and will live long past any of us in our lives.
"As a former air force pilot, I don’t get confused. I know we can’t lose track of the ultimate objective of carrying out our mission and that objective is not only to defeat President Obama but to replace him with a conservative leader who will bring about real change."
The clouds touch down, covering the wreck, and the resulting conversion from broken junk to base elements is swift and merciless. The mighty but old superstructure is dismantled in moments, and turned into a churning sea of metal, rubber, and plastic.
As the Agents watch from above and below, the sea expands like a wave, but then falters and, like the swiftly receding tide that warns of a tsunami, rushes back to the center. And in that center, the boiling, roiling mass begins to take shape, again.
"Our country is hurting. Make no mistake about that. Thirteen million people out of work. Fifty million of our citizens on food stamps. Fifteen trillion dollar national debt and growing. A Supers program that's run by an insane, militant homosexual. We need bold, conservative leadership that will take on the entrenched interests and give the American People their country back."
Length first, then height, then depth. Steel tendrils shoot forward, wrapping around each other and becoming framework, then passageways, then rooms. The skeleton is wrapped in armored skin, and weapons systems begin to reform over that.
Mighty engines are rebuilt from the inside out and placed where they need to go. Flight platforms self-rivet into place. Engine rooms assemble, and are brought partially online to fuel the ship as it recreates itself. Control decks clamber over one another like block towers falling in reverse.
A distant, atonal hum becomes the mighty thrum of its metal hearts beating, shuddering the leviathan into motion. Foot by foot, the machine rises from the ocean, its lights forming like fruit rotting in reverse and then glowing as bright as newborn suns.
"I have always believed the mission is greater than the man. As I have contemplated the future of this campaign, I have come to the conclusion that there is no viable path forward for me in this 2012 campaign.
"Therefore, today I am suspending my campaign and endorsing Newt Gingrich for president of the United States."
The Agents cheer, and then begin to paddle closer to the newborn machine. They don't need to know exactly what's going on in there, except that, once inside, they expect that it'll be everything they ever wanted in The Flier, but didn't think they'd get.
They have faith. Sometimes that's more than enough. Sometimes that brings forth miracles.
There is a gasp and then a room full of applause. The tattoo of cameras and the surging of microphones increases. The Governor smiles, knowing that this moment will never come again, either, but if he's played his card right, this could be the start of something new and different.
"I believe Newt is a conservative visionary who can transform our country. We’ve had our differences, which campaigns will inevitably have. And Newt is not perfect, but who among us is?
"The fact is, there is forgiveness for those who seek God and I believe in the power of redemption, for it is a central tenet of my Christian faith."
"This is Agent Knowles," says the first Agent to get to the Bridge: "We have The Flier secured, sir."
"How does it look down there, son?" SPYGOD's voice says over the intercom, clear as FM radio.
"It's... it's beautiful, sir," the Agent says, looking around a bridge that's even more spacious and beautiful than the last one: "I think I've seen the face of God made manifest in our mighty fortress."
"Son, when I get down there, you and I are having a very large drink," SPYGOD says: "And then I'm going to teach you what the !@#$ not to say over an open channel."
The Governor opens his mouth again, to speak, but then hears some strange noises. At first he thinks it's someone slamming a door one time too many, but then he has a terrible pain in his head that flares up like a sudden migraine, and gets so bad so quickly that he feels the need to just sit down.
Lie down, really, and people scream as he does. That's the first thing that really tells him that something's wrong. That and the weird, warm wet running down his neck, his shoulders, the back of his shirt.
Something's wrong, but he's still not sure what.
The worst thing is that he can't think. As people surround him, he can't remember who they are, or what they are to him. As the lights dim to the slowing beat of his heart he can't imagine why they seem so concerned.
Truly, this is paradise, he thinks he hears someone saying. He imagines a large space full of bright lights and happy, jubilant people, all drinking champagne from fluted glasses. Someone in a black leather uniform with an eyepatch is all but forcing one on him, berating him teasingly for not drinking enough.
You gotta sin to get saved around here, son, the man says, grinning ear to ear: Now drink up before some chicken!@#$ bureaucrat realizes how much we just spent on nanotech and wants to crawl up our !@#$ with a ruler to get every last penny accounted for. We got us a date in Costa !@#$ Rica.
Bewildered, the Governor closes his eyes once, then twice. The next time they open it's for good, until some kind soul, apparently unafraid of the ruin his head's become, runs a gentle hand over them to see they're closed.
And then there's nothing. Nothing at all.
(SPYGOD is listening to Democracy (Killing Joke) and having some $1000 a bottle Champagne)
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