Wednesday, February 15, 2012

2/6/12 - Boys, This Is War (IX)

Dear Mr. President:

First of all, !@#$ you. 

Yes, you read that right, sir. !@#$ you. !@#$ you for not having the !@#$ balls to stand up to me like a man. I have heard about the little run-around you tried to pull on me, the other day, and I am not !@#$ impressed. 

Did you really think a bunch of career politicians were going to stick their !@#$ necks out on the line to try and dislodge me? Good !@#$ luck with that one. I've got half of their leadership scared as !@#$ with what I know about them, and the other half's scared as !@#$ that I do know something about them, and just haven't paid them a friendly visit, yet.

And as for the people who control the purse on our budget? They might not have been scared of me, before, but they sure as !@#$ are now. So no trying to cut me off at the mother!@#$ piggy bank, either.

Bottom line? We're stuck with each other. I've survived more Presidents than !@#$ Fidel Castro. I survived your predecessor. I will survive your replacement. And I will do this because I am !@#$ SPYGOD. 

And SPYGOD. Hears. All.

So this is how it's going to go, sir. In a few days, I will be assembling the mother of all invasion forces. Remember what we put together for NAZISMASH? !@#$ kid's stuff, Mr. President. This is going to make that !@#$ look like an egg raid on a nancy bar.

Every single asset The COMPANY has, and a few things we've borrowed, begged, or stolen outright from allies, enemies, and people who don't even !@#$ know who or what the !@#$ we are will be rendezvousing in the Pacific Ocean. I have Strategic Talents aplenty lining up for this one, along with all the cannon fodder we could rehabilitate from The Legion, a couple folks on loan from other groups, and a tacit understanding with King Thurl, which hopefully will not prove as !@#$ usurious as the last time.

You may not hear from me for 24 to 72 hours. You may hear and see strange and terrible things happening in the Pacific Ocean. You may get weird phone calls from Hawaii, Japan, and all those !@#$ islands no one knows about, except for rich tourists and gay men on the make for naive brown !@#$. 

But when that period of silence is over, I will be making a phone call to you. It will be to announce that something very important has happened. Namely, GORGON will be functionally ended, just like I did to all the other science terror outfits I've gone after since May.

You can then tell the whole !@#$ world that the process of removing the biggest threats we have has finally concluded, and as of that day all nations, all over the world, are now free of some of the worst scourges we've faced since the end of the Soviet Union. 

And you know what, sir? You can run on that. You can say to the world "I let this happen. I had a hand on the tiller. I saved the economy, stopped us from going into a Depression, got us out of Iraq and most of Afghanistan, helped topple Khaddafy, and, under my watch, SPYGOD kicked major !@#$."

Can you win on that? I guess that's up to the American people to decide. But it'll be a record they can't !@#$ argue with, beyond the nonsense they spew about you being an atheist Muslim secularist socialist communist Nazi !@#$ who wants to eat their childrens' brains and !@#$ their wives, Mandingo style. 

(That and that whole stupid birth certificate thing. But I guess you can thank that nasty !@#$ you have as a Secretary of State for that one, can't you?)

If you're lucky, Mr. President, we'll help each other. If you try and !@#$ me, again, I will !@#$ you right back. Don't even try it.

See you in victory.


PS: I have good reason to believe, based on things that are happening right now, that a certain phone is ringing in the Oval Office. You know the one I mean. Do not !@#$ answer it. You were told why. If you have to know why, ask anyone who worked for Ronnie. They will be happy to tell you, at length.

(SPYGOD is listening to 99 Luftbalons (Nena) and having some refreshing Tsingtao)

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