"Okay, we all ready? Yep? Okay then.
"Man, I am not looking forward to this call. Not. At. All.
"Yes, I know we have to do it. I know it's gotta be done. I just don't want to say the wrong thing, you know?
"Yeah. It's kind of like arguing with your wife over something important, only your wife isn't going to threaten to cram a nuke up your !@#$ next time you're on the can. Well, maybe-
"Okay, we got him? We do? Alright, well, let's do this.
"Hi, SPYGOD? Are you reading me? There seems to be a lot of noise in the background?
"Oh, repairs? Oh, okay. How bad off is The Flier? The inspectors told me they had a hard time getting a tour of the stricken parts.
"Yeah, I guess it would have been bad to have them come back irradiated. That and they were really interested in talking to your people about what happened.
"Yes, I know you're not happy about that. I can't blame you, there. But I know you know why I had them do that. MMm-hmmm. Yes.
"Well, I think we both know why I'm calling.
"Okay, look. Now, I don't... look. Look.
"SPYGOD! Stop that, okay? Just stop it. Cursing at me isn't going to help things. All it's going to do is...
"Are you drunk? Are you drunk and talking to me?
"I know you're drunk most of the time, SPYGOD. But I need you sober for this. I need you thinking clearly. So you take one of those little red death pills you take to clear your systems out, okay?
"Yes, now. Right now. That's an order. And I know you don't like taking them, but we're not continuing like this.
"Okay, you sober? You with me? Okay, good.
"Bottom line? I am not happy, SPYGOD. Not at all. And I bet if you search that drug and booze soaked thing you call a brain you can probably remember why-
"Hey! Zip it! Zip it! I am talking! You are listening!
"We got that straight? Okay? Good.
"First of all, fair is fair, thank you for the warning about the phone. As a matter of fact, you were absolutely right. It did start ringing.
"No. No. No one answered it. I gave explicit instructions and they were followed-
"It went on for about a day, on and off. Why? Is that significant?
"No? Okay. Well, good. Hopefully that's that, at least for a while. Do you want to tell me how you knew, or is this another one of those SPYGOD knows all things?
"Fair enough. I wanted to start out with that because I wanted to be fair, but the rest of this... man.
"I'm sitting here, looking at that letter you wrote, and I can't for the life of me.imagine someone actually having the... well, let's call it what it is. This is !@#$ up, SPYGOD. It just is. I know you wouldn't tolerate one of your people talking to you like this. Why on earth should I tolerate you talking to me like this?
"Wait, what did you say? I didn't hear you right. Did you just say 'Victory is its own excuse?'
"You call this victory? According to you I was supposed to be able to go in front of the American people, right now, and tell them that, hey, sorry about that volcano thing in Costa Rica, but we just kicked GORGON's !@#$. Isn't that great? Vote for me.
"Yes, and I can't help but see that you did not call me. And I know for a fact it's because you got bad news to tell me, and for once you can't spin it around-
"Zip. It. Your boss is on a roll, SPYGOD. Don't interrupt. We'll get to your side of the story later. Okay?
"Okay. So, you tell me !@#$ you. You say I'm not a man because, unlike you, I tried to have my ducks in a row before I went into a potentially dangerous situation, namely firing you. And then you told me I was going to have this victory to sail on, and no one would care about any of those mistakes and near-disasters and actual disasters you've caused over the last year because of that victory.
"Well, there is no victory, SPYGOD. There is nothing I can tell the American people, other than the reason their cruise ships had heavy waves and their lovely Hawaiian beaches are full of washed up dead men is because you went after one of the most dangerous organizations on the planet, and !@#$ up.
"Well, no, I haven't actually asked them what they think. Most of them don't even know where Costa Rica is on the map, I'm sorry to say. But I have heard from their elected representatives. You know, the ones you think you have so much dirt on they'd rather jump into a pool of live, rabid weasels than say so much as boo to you?
"Yes. Well, they're saying boo, SPYGOD. I got the leaders of both parties behind me, now. And they are unanimous in their belief that you need to go.
"Yes. Yes they are. In fact, they're accusing me of stalling on the issue. I went to them a couple weeks ago to try and get support, and they said no. And now they're asking me why I didn't come to them? I guess you just can't win-
"No, I bet you don't want to hear about any of that. I'm sorry.
"Yes, SPYGOD. I am formally asking you to tender your resignation to me-
"No. No. Stop that !@#$. I don't want to hear about this being a battle and not the war. I don't want to hear about any of that. I heard every word of what you said to your men, yesterday, and maybe-
"Yes, I did. Someone taped it. I got it. Sometimes the President hears all, too.
"Anyway. Maybe they went for it, but I didn't. I've had it with your arrogance and unwillingness to face reality, or man up and accept the consequences of your failures.
"Oh no, that's not all. I've had enough of your cowboy nonsense. I've had it with waiting by the phone for news of the next disaster you didn't tell me was about to happen. I've really had it with reporters blindsiding me with questions about those disasters. I've had enough of you being dead and then alive and then dead and alive again. I've had it with your sleeping with the enemy. And I've had it with your constantly surly attitude and threats.
"Yes, threats. You're about to threaten me about Mr. USA. Don't. I've got that situation in hand.
"Yes, and the CIA matter, too. They're both being handled.
"No, you don't need to know by whom. That's no longer your concern. That's part of what happens when you don't work for us, anymore. You don't need to know, so you don't get to know.
"See, that's most of your problem right there. You killed Hitler in 1945. That was almost 70 years ago, SPYGOD. How long can you write checks on that bank account?
"Yes, I am aware of all the things you've done for this country since then. I am aware and I am grateful. But gratitude only goes so far.
"Well, maybe. But that's something I've had to learn since I moved into this place. You can't use your past successes to excuse massive failures, especially when most of the failures come about because you've convinced yourself, based on those successes, that you can't fail. No one and no thing is too big to fail, SPYGOD. Not even you. Sometimes you just have to man up and admit it-
"Yes, you were a man before I was even born. So how come I'm the one acting like the grown-up in this conversation?
"Oh please. Please. SPYGOD, rogue agent? How long do you think you could pull that off before it ended? Maybe you could get the Agents on board, but how long before you can't pay them, anymore?
"Yes, I know you've got money God doesn't even know about, SPYGOD. But eventually it's going to run out. And we will come for you. You know that.
"Yes. We have to. The Flier isn't yours. The Heptagon isn't yours. We let you live in the B.U.I.L.D.I.N.G. Everything you have and use is Government property, SPYGOD. The moment you hand over the badge, you lose the gun. You of all people should know that.
"Yes, I've been thinking about that. The truth is that I don't know. Since you are technically a Super, yourself, whomever takes over The COMPANY next is going to be your boss, and you'll have to answer to him or her.
"I do have some people in mind, yes. But-
"No, not Mr. USA. Not him, not ever. We're in agreement on that, and hopefully that will soon be a moot point, anyway.
"Yes, that was me throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
"Well, you want my advice? I know you might not want to take it, but...
"Okay. You know what? In a way, I envy you. You're immortal. You're hard to kill. You have opportunities and abilities I could guess at. Why are you doing what you're doing, anyway?
"Yes,. well, I love my country, too. But when I stop living in this White House, whether that's next year or four years from now, I am going to take one !@#$ of a long vacation. Me and the wife and kids. Just get away from this office and all the !@#$ that comes with it. Because it's nasty !@#$, sometimes. And, to be honest, I really wouldn't want to jump into being an ex-President.
"Yes, especially if I lose in November. That's not a threat, is it?
"Thank you for that. I appreciate that.
"So what I was saying? Why not disappear for a while? Take a year. !@#$, take five or ten. You're immortal and you have more than enough money. What's ten years?
"No. No one will come after you. I will see to it you're not bothered. I think your country owes you that much.
"Well, so long as you keep your head down and don't !@#$ with anything. You can do that, right?
"Okay then. Well, why don't you come to the White House in a couple days? We'll meet, we'll do this thing, and we'll find some way to spin it so we all come out looking good.
"Yeah, well, what's a few lies more? I figure you owe me one or two.
"You know, that's funny, I was thinking about that conversation, too. I remember you sitting down with me, early on, and telling me that intelligence was like a big, ratty carpet up on the wall. It looked nasty and poorly thrown together, and there were all these little strings hanging off it, but whatever I did I should resist pulling. Because if I did, it'd all fall apart, and I wouldn't like cleaning it up.
"Yeah. So was that your way of saying 'stay out of my way,' then?
"Oh. Well, I didn't think about it like that. Heh. That's.. yeah, that's good.
"Okay, so a couple days? I'll keep quiet about it, you avoid blowing up Sri Lanka, and we'll be good.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Okay. Goodbye.
"Okay. Wow. I can't believe I actually lived through that. Am I the only one here who thinks that went way too easy?
"So, should we be worried, then?"
(The President is listening to 3 Libras (A Perfect Circle) and having a Yuengling)