2/3/12 - The Third Temptation of SPYGOD - Act 2, Scene 1

ACT 2

SCENE 1

The curtain opens on the same street where we left off. It’s late afternoon, a day later. People are walking to and fro, cars are puttering along in traffic, and SPYGOD is sitting on the curb, next to a couple six-packs of good quality beer. Several empty cans lay at his feet. When the curtain opens, he’s chugging a can, which he then tosses at a nearby sign in such a way that it bounces off and lands back at his feet. He smiles, and opens another can, just as BEAUTIFUL STRANGER appears, stage right. He is dressed in the same manner as the day before, and smiles radiantly.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  Well good afternoon to you, my dear (REDACTED). How are you doing?

SPYGOD: Just beautiful, !@#$hole. Just beautiful.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER walks closer to SPYGOD, slowly, as if expecting a surprise, or an attack.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Did you have a good evening?

SPYGOD:  Oh yes.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: And did you have a good morning?

SPYGOD:  Any better and it would be !@#$ illegal in ten states.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  Oh? Do tell.

SPYGOD:  No.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Any reason why?

SPYGOD looks at him, balefully, chugs a can without losing eye contact, and then throws the can at BEAUTIFUL STRANGER’S head. It caroms off and lands right at SPYGOD’s feet, to join the others. BEAUTIFUL STRANGER doesn’t so much as blink.

SPYGOD: There’s some things you don’t need to know, !@#$bake. Anyway, given how much I couldn’t !@#$ learn what I wanted to learn, I figured you were !@#$ watching.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Oh, (REDACTED), surely you understand we’re above such crude voyeurism-

SPYGOD: I’m not.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  Well, that’s a comfort to know, given your responsibilities.

SPYGOD:  And I were you, I’d be watching me.

SPYGOD opens another can of beer and drinks it.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  As it happens, we have a very sophisticated set of failsafes in these scenarios. I told it what things you shouldn’t see, and you did not see them. My presence was not even required.

SPYGOD throws the can of beer at BEAUTIFUL STRANGER’S head. It caroms off and lands at SPYGOD’s feet, with the others.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  Are you going to do that all night, then?

SPYGOD:  It’s !@#$ tempting.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  Well at least I tempted you into something-

SPYGOD: You have no idea how badly I want to !@#$ your skull, right now.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Well.

SPYGOD: I wouldn’t even need to drill a hole or go in through an eyesocket. I’d just grab you by both ears and shove it through your forehead.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Is that something you want added to the deal, then?

SPYGOD: I did that to someone, once.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I know.

SPYGOD: I didn’t have to. I could have just !@#$ shot him and left him as was. Either that or taken his head for some home brewing. But what he did… what I caught him doing… it made me sick. Do you understand what it takes to make me want to throw up?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER:  I think I have some inkling.

SPYGOD: And yet here you are, daring to talk to me. 

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Well, no danger, no triumph.

SPYGOD gets another can of beer and opens it, and starts to drink it.

SPYGOD: I did what you said. I listened. I watched. And it was really interesting... especially the things I didn't see.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Such as?

SPYGOD: Well, let me think, here. I did see that global thing you talked about. It looks like a pretty good setup.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I thought you might approve.

SPYGOD: Oh, I did. I liked the total economic blockade around North Korea and Myanmar, too. I loved seeing that Afghanistan's five different !@#$ countries, finally, though I bet you're not going to tell me how they agreed to that one.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: No.

SPYGOD: Pity about Israel, though. I saw what was left of Jerusalem on the news. No chance you'll tell me about that, either?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Again, no.

SPYGOD: Well, color me !@#$ surprised.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: What else did you see?

SPYGOD: I saw the Superhero who spends his days speeding around Neo York City, making sure criminals get apprehended before they get more than three steps away from the time. I also saw the speeder who keeps the streets clean. Good to see they've got work for qualified people.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Well, it's cheaper than a streetcleaners union, surely.

SPYGOD: True. Probably more efficient. But I really wasn't interested in him. I was interested in what I didn't see.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: What might that be?

SPYGOD: This is 2021, isn't it?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Well, I really shouldn't say so...

SPYGOD throws the can of beer at BEAUTIFUL STRANGER’S head. It caroms off and lands at SPYGOD’s feet, with the others.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: ... but yes, it is.

SPYGOD: So where's the President I left behind?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I can't tell you that.

SPYGOD gets a full beer can and throws it at BEAUTIFUL STRANGER’s head. It explodes and soaks him with something that makes him smoke, bubble, and burn. He falls down clawing at his head, but not screaming, though the pain must be intolerable. SPYGOD grabs the rest of that six pack and gets up, walking over to BEAUTIFUL STRANGER as he writhes on the ground.

SPYGOD: One of my old Strategic Talents friends got into homebrewing because of me. He wasn’t too keen on head beer, but he brews this special kind of alcohol that packs all the punch of a whole Saint skeleton, two flaming swords, and a burning bush. He gives it to people to make sure they aren’t people like you, come over to mess with his sanctum. Never !@#$ fails.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: That... hurt. 

SPYGOD: Oh, really? I well bet this'll feel like a real smooth butt!@#$, then, you little worm.

SPYGOD opens another can of the beer and pours it over BEAUTIFUL STRANGER, who actually screams this time.

SPYGOD: I'm sorry? What was that? 

More screaming from BEAUTIFUL STRANGER

SPYGOD: More lube? Sorry, fresh out. No danger, no triumph, baby.

SPYGOD finishes pouring the can, then throws it at BEAUTIFUL STRANGER'S head. It bounces off, hits the sign, and flies back to where the rest of the empties landed, over where SPYGOD was sitting.

SPYGOD: Okay, buddy. You see that? That is talent. That is what I do for fun when I'm not dealing with wormy little !@#$ like you who think they can sweet talk me into a bad !@#$ deal.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: And what... what's so bad about it? 

SPYGOD: Are you !@#$ kidding me?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: World peace? No more science terrorism? No more mundane terrorism? All the strategic talents working together, under you? No United Nations to hold you back?

SPYGOD: Where is the !@#$ President?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: ... 

SPYGOD opens another can of beer and pours it over BEAUTIFUL STRANGER, who screams a little louder. 

SPYGOD: The President! Where the !@#$ is he?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I can't... I can't...

SPYGOD: Where the !@#$ is the !@#$ President? Huh? It's 2021, mother!@#$. Where the !@#$ is he?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I told you. I can't tell you all the details...

SPYGOD: Well that's just great. How !@#$ convenient. You expect me to believe he's in seclusion, somewhere? Not talking on the internet? Not giving speeches or opening libraries?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Look, let's talk this over.

SPYGOD: His wife lives in a big house in Chicago, all by herself. She looks like someone took her heart out of her chest and !@#$ stepped on it. His daughters are doing well but are clearly hurting on a deep level. I think I know what it is. I've !@#$ seen it enough.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: You can't be-

SPYGOD: Whenever one of my Agents dies, I go check up on the family in secret three years later, just to make sure they're !@#$ okay.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Oh, how noble of you...

SPYGOD: It's my job. My responsibility. I can't fix their lives but I can at least be sure they aren't getting a bureaucratic runaround.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: And what does that have to do with anything?

SPYGOD: When I look in the eyes of their children, I see that look. It speaks !@#$ volumes. It says "I lost one of my guiding stars and I'm never getting it back."

SPYGOD looms over BEAUTIFUL STRANGER, staring eye to eye. Neither blinks, and BEAUTIFUL STRANGER slowly gets to his feet, healing as he rises.

SPYGOD: So. I can only assume he's dead. Which means either you told me to let it happen, or you told me to make it happen.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I will not comment on that.

SPYGOD: Well maybe you can comment on something else, then. This is 2021? Where's all the people?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: What do you mean?

SPYGOD: Last I checked, we were sitting at 7 billion. We ought to be at 7.5 or so, right now. But I listen in and find out we're at 5?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I will not comment on that, either.

SPYGOD: I know losing Israel couldn't have done it. I know there had to have been at least one war you wouldn't let me see before we all held hands and sang kumbaya like a bunch of !@#$ hippies, but I don't see how that loses 1 billion, let alone two. So what happened? 

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Again-

SPYGOD: Did you have me look the other !@#$ way, then, too?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I told you-

SPYGOD grabs another can of beer, and BEAUTIFUL STRANGER hisses and grows fangs and claws.

SPYGOD: Ah, I wondered how long it would take before the real you came out to !@#$ play.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: You mock me at your own peril.

SPYGOD: Funny, I was about to say the same thing.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I have played straight with you as much as I am allowed.

SPYGOD: Now there's some !@#$ irony for you. Lose the CGI, !@#$nuts. You aren't even scary.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Oh, I think you have no idea-

SPYGOD: See, that's it. I do see you. Right through your disguise. And I know how small you really are, and how weak.


BEAUTIFUL STRANGER freezes, cocks an eyebrow, and then reverts back to what he looked like seconds before, only now all damage is healed.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Weak? Even now I'm healed from your crude little tricks. And I think you'll find they won't work on me again.

SPYGOD: Take me back home.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Only if you're prepared to give me an answer.

SPYGOD: Oh, I am. You've given me 24 hours to look around. I took it. Now why don't go back to my place and discuss things.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: Leave the holy beer here.

SPYGOD: It comes with.

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: It stays or I'll leave you here. I do have that right.

SPYGOD: I thought it didn't hurt you, anymore?

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER: I could do without the annoyance.

SPYGOD: Ah, the joy of fine print. Alright then.

SPYGOD drops all the beer and smiles.

SPYGOD: (singing) Take, take me home. Cause I don't remember...

BEAUTIFUL STRANGER curls his nose and waves his hand. BEAUTIFUL STRANGER and SPYGOD vanish. 

The moment they're gone, graffiti appears close to where they were standing, asking WHO KILLED THE DREAM?

SPYGOD is listening to Of Course I'm Lying (Yello) and drinking some holy homebrew)