Showing posts with label recruitment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recruitment. Show all posts

Sunday, December 8, 2013

12/27/12 - Straffer - One Look Up I Can See Down - pt. 4.1

11/18/12

It's an early morning in Paris, right after the !@#$ hit the fan, and SPYGOD watches his man get dressed from their large hotel bed.

He's not exactly pretending to be asleep, but he's not saying anything, either. He just likes to watch Straffer as he puts his clothes on -- methodically hiding his lovely, new body with each piece of clothing. Black socks, loose plaid boxers, tightly-pressed grey pants, a shirt so dark blue it's almost black.

And then the tie -- that tie. The one that practically screams 'I'm in !@#$ing charge, here, and don't you ever !@#$ing forget it.'

His Space Service tie. The one he wore every day on Deep-Ten.

"So you are taking them up on their !@#$ offer?" SPYGOD asks, a little piece of his heart falling away like a chunk from an iceberg.

"I think so," Straffer says, carefully selecting a jacket to go with the ensemble: "That'll depend on how things go, today."

"In court?"

"No," he says, making his choice -- excellent, as always -- "Today I see what we still have to work with, out there. Who we can rely on, who's on the fence, who's completely out."

"So you have !@#$ing thrown in with them," SPYGOD sighs, sitting up.

"It makes sense, hon," Straffer says, turning and kneeling down, so they're at the same eye level: "The Space Service was an always intended to be an international effort. And right now, whether we like it or not, the big international player is the TU. They're making the connections and getting the resources-"

"Aw, !@#$," SPYGOD snorts, putting a hand over his face: "Christ on a !@#$ing rocketship-"

"Hey now, lover, you know it's true," Straffer says, poking his man in the chest: "I don't like it any more than you do. I'd rather America was in a better position to get a planetary defense system back up and running, again, all by itself, and lead the others. But right now, with everything that's going on back at home, and the problems we're having there, we might need someone else to take the lead for a while-"

"!@#$!" SPYGOD shouts, slamming his other hand into the headboard. It breaks like balsa, causing the bed to shiver and lose some of its balance.

"Is that on your card or mine?" Straffer asks, after a moment. The way he says it completely defuses the moment, and the two men laugh, however ruefully. 

There's a slight silence between them, and then SPYGOD sighs, mutters, and admits: "I don't trust these !@#$ers."

"I know."

"We've !@#$ing talked about this."

"We have, yes."

"So why do you want to !@#$ing throw in with them, knowing all that?"

"I don't," Straffer says, getting up and sitting next to his lover on the bed: "But it's the only game in town, right now."

"It's going to be a rigged game. You !@#$ing know that."

"I know that. But I also know that, sometimes, the giant has to be kicked in the !@#$ to get off its seat and lead."

"What do you-"

"You know what I mean, hon. You were there for it, remember? The Space Race? We blink and suddenly the Russians have a satellite in orbit, and then a man in a can floating around the world?"

"I was a little !@#$ing busy at the time," SPYGOD sighs: "But yeah, I !@#$ing remember that. The whole !@#$ing conversation changed, then."

"Right. And we got off our butts and surged ahead, just so we wouldn't have a red Moon and a communist-controlled NEO. And look what happened?"

"A couple decades of us versus them in !@#$ing orbit, followed by a bunch of !@#$ about Star Wars when we !@#$ing inherited Deep Ten. And then, after the Soviet Union collapsed, we got a decade or so of shaky cooperation-"

"And that's what we need, right now," Straffer insists: "Cooperation. All the nations we can get together working to make us ready for what's coming. Unless you're planning on going up there in the mother of all jetpacks and trying to shoot (Unintelligible Concept) down all by yourself?"

"It's !@#$ing tempting."

"I know," Straffer says, putting a hand on SPYGOD's chest: "But it wouldn't work, and you know it. Not everything is solved by shooting it."

"What if I get a big enough gun...?"

"God I love you," Straffer says, smiling: "You really would go and try, wouldn't you?"

"For America? For my friends and my people? The man I love?" SPYGOD asks, reaching up and running his hands through his lover's hair: "I would. Even if it !@#$ing killed me a million times over, I'd say I got the better part of the deal."

"Then let me do this," Straffer says: "This can't be any worse than that."

"It'll be !@#$ing imperfect as !@#$."

"I'm sure. But this is one of those times when you need an imperfect thing to work perfectly. That means you need the right people in the wrong places. And unless you can think of anyone better suited to make those !@#$ers do one thing right, when it matters the most?"

SPYGOD has nothing for that, so he nods: "And you're the best !@#$ right person to be in this wrong place at the right !@#$ing time, I guess."

"You better more than guess," Straffer says, bending over and kissing him for all its worth. And for a moment, there's no world, no politics, and no oncoming space monster -- just the two of them.

That moment must end, though, and it does so leaving SPYGOD wanting more. Especially today, when he really needs his man beside him with the others, and in Court, and when deciding what to do about the nasty and complicated situation in Israel.

But by the time he can think of something else to say, his lover has gotten ready, kissed him goodbye, and headed out the door.

* * *

 "You are ready, Msr?" the man in the dark blue uniform asks as Straffer walks out of the hotel. As he does, he straightens up and tosses away the balto he was smoking.

"I am," Straffer says, extending a hand to shake: "It's good to meet you, DisparaƮtre."

"We have met before," the man says, giving the hand a careful shake: "You may not remember me."

"Well, you'll have to remind me," Straffer says: "We have a whole day to-"

"I do not like to talk too much," the man interrupts: "Nothing personal."

"No problem," Straffer says, having already figured as much: "I'm ready if you are."

"Have you traveled like this before?" DisparaƮtre asks, putting a hand on Straffer's shoulder.

"Actually no. What's it like?"

"Confusing, at first," the man hedges, a slight smile at his lips: "A little frightening, perhaps. It takes longer than you think, and sometimes people think I have lost them. But I never do, and there is nothing to fear. Trust me."

"I think I do," Straffer says, putting his hand on the man's shoulder in turn: "Let's go recruit some astronauts?"

The man nods. There's a bright light, and then nothing. 

And so it begins.

(SPYGOD is listening to Do What You Can, For Peace on Earth (The FIXX) and having a l'amalthee)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

9/8-9/11 - Five Days, Five Conversations: pt 2

9/8/11
6:00 AM
HEPTAGON BASEMENT, CELL A-574
TRANSCRIPT BEGINS: 

GUARD: Here you go, sir.

SPYGOD: How's our favorite super villain impostor doing today?

GUARD: "Underman's" been !@#$ quiet, sir. I think he's afraid we'll flood the cell with nasty smells and the latest Justin Beiber album, again.

SPYGOD: Good. Wait outside. Don't open the door until I give the knock. Any other knock, flood the cell with Death Potion #9.

GUARD: Yes sir.

*door clangs shut*

SPYGOD: Well good morning, Myron. I bet you're wondering why I've called us all here...

UNDERMAN: Please don't hurt me again. I said I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry-

SPYGOD: Shut. The !@#$. Up.

UNDERMAN: Yes sir. I'm shutting up now.

SPYGOD: Myron Guthrie Volaar. 35. Born in Madison, Wisconsin. Graduated top of his class at Dailey Technical School. Did not attend college. Worked at Great Lakes Scrapyards for most of your adult life, but spent the last five years under-employed due to a quote-endquote unfortunate incident involving some missing product and equipment. Then you drop off the grid for a year. Then we find you in Underman's old drill tank, wearing his old uniform, and stuffing your fat !@#$ with donuts and coffee before pulling off a bank robbery. Have I got all that about right?

UNDERMAN: ...


SPYGOD: You may speak now, son.

UNDERMAN: Yes sir. You have all that right.

SPYGOD: Good. Nice to meet you, Myron. I'm the devil. This is hell.

UNDERMAN: I told you I'd cooperate.

SPYGOD: I know you did. Now, here, this is for you.

UNDERMAN: What is it...?

SPYGOD: Breakfast. Double sausage and egg explosion from Belly Busters. I hope you're not one of those pissy little vegetarians, but just in case I got you the cheesy hash browns. And coffee.

UNDERMAN: Coffee...

SPYGOD: I did not !@#$ in it this time.

UNDERMAN: Is it... safe to eat?

SPYGOD: Oh, you mean 'did you put hardcore elephant diarrhea-inducing sauce on it the way you did to that sandwich the first day I got here and was demanding a lawyer and my civil rights and everything I should have gotten, if I wasn't a prisoner of the sort of group that listens to things like that and laughs and then amputates your legs below the kneecaps and !@#$ you with them in both ends'?

UNDERMAN... um... yes...

SPYGOD: No.

UNDERMAN: No what?

SPYGOD: No. I did not poison your food. In fact, let me prove it. *chomp*

UNDERMAN: You ate my sandwich...

SPYGOD: And now I'm going to eat your hash browns...

UNDERMAN: No! No.. I'll eat them...

SPYGOD: Good idea. They good?

UNDERMAN: Yes. My god, yes.

SPYGOD: I did !@#$ on them.

UNDERMAN: Oh my god... ewwwwwwwwwwww *barf*

SPYGOD: Oh, wait, I didn't. I was just kidding. Sorry.

UNDERMAN: Oh you... you !@#$ !@#$ !@#$ !@#$ of a !@#$. I !@#$ hate you! !@#$ !@#$ kill me !@#$ die !@#$ kill me and !@#$ !@#$

SPYGOD: You know, I can survive the gas the guard'll pump into the cell if bang the door wrong. So you might want to watch the gutter language, there, son.

UNDERMAN: I don't care! I don't !@#$ care! Just do it, please! Do it!

SPYGOD: You want me to gas you?

UNDERMAN: Yes!

SPYGOD: AW, !@#$ that. How about I take this gun, here, and shoot you with it?

UNDERMAN: Anything!

SPYGOD: How about my bare hands? How about I just choke you to death with my own !@#$, huh? You want that? You dead with my glowing alien love-god mansnake down your throat? You want that? Huh?

UNDERMAN: ... *whimper*

SPYGOD: So how does it feel to be !@#$ powerless, you little worm? How does it feel to be staring death in the face and begging for it because you can not !@#$ see any other way out of the situation?

UNDERMAN: *crying*

SPYGOD: Is this what you thought was going to happen when you bought that superdrill, Myron? Is this what you thought was going to happen when you put on that suit and pretended to be the real Underman?

UNDERMAN: *crying*

SPYGOD: This is how they feel, you fat little !@#$. This is how ordinary people feel when someone like you comes crashing into their lives with some stupid !@#$ super villain gimmick. They're minding their own !@#$ business and living their !@#$ lives and then you come in and ruin them. And all they can do is run and hide, and when they can't fight anymore, and they can't hide, they just want it to be over.

UNDERMAN: *throws up again, weakly*

SPYGOD: I mean, jesus !@#$ christ, Myron. You're going to have to help me !@#$ understand this. You're smart enough to make that drill tank actually work after all these years. You've got the brains to navigate the inner planet. Are you going to tell me you didn't know this was how it was going to end, eventually?

UNDERMAN: ...

SPYGOD: Well, maybe I am giving you more credit that you deserve. I mean, you clearly can't organize a heist to save your !@#$ life. We catch you with your pants down buying !@#$ donuts, for crying out loud.

UNDERMAN: I just wanted...  ...

SPYGOD: Money? Sex? Power? Fame?

UNDERMAN: ... I wanted to be free.

SPYGOD: Free? You're living in the United States of America, son. You don't get much freer than this.

UNDERMAN: That's bull!@#$. I didn't want to be free to go to work and life and crank out 2.5 kids like every other good little doobie out there. I wanted to live free like it meant something. I wanted adventure. I wanted to go where I wanted, take what I wanted, and do what I wanted. I wanted to explore the world and live in it.

SPYGOD: And steal from people in order to do it? And kill them?

UNDERMAN: I never !@#$ killed anyone. I never hurt anyone either if I could help it.

SPYGOD: That's true, you didn't. You just got wind that the Legion was holding an estate sale for a retiring super villain and bought up the lot.

UNDERMAN: Yeah.

SPYGOD: And goodness only knows how you got all that !@#$ money. 546 million dollars?

UNDERMAN: I'm still paying off the loan.

SPYGOD: Hence the poorly-planned bank heists.

UNDERMAN: ...

SPYGOD: But you could have made it go faster. They must have offered you better jobs to work it off.

UNDERMAN: Yeah, but... they all involved killing someone. Drilling a hole into someone's house. Dropping a city. Opening a fault line.

SPYGOD: And you didn't want to hurt anyone.

UNDERMAN: No. I just wanted-

SPYGOD: Adventure. Yes. We've covered this. Shut up.

UNDERMAN: Yes sir.

SPYGOD: ...

(full minute of silence passes)

SPYGOD: You were a Boy Scout, weren't you?

UNDERMAN: I made Eagle, sir.

SPYGOD: *sighs*

UNDERMAN: Is that bad? Did I say a bad thing?

SPYGOD: Shut up.

UNDERMAN: Yes sir.

SPYGOD: Okay, Myron. Here's the deal. You are now on special retainer to The COMPANY. This means your life is mine. This means your ass is mine. You work for me now. You will do exactly what I tell you. You will make what I tell you. You will carry out whatever mission I choose to give you, totally and completely, with no deviations whatsoever. Do. You. !@#$. Understand?

UNDERMAN: Yes sir. I understand.

SPYGOD: Good. You wanted adventure, Myron, and by God you're going to get it even if it kills you.

*special knock*

SPYGOD: Give him ten minutes, and then take him up and get him cleaned up. Decent meal, good bed, !@#$ if he wants it. Be courteous but firm. He's one of us, now.

GUARD: Understood, sir. No more Justin Beiber?

SPYGOD: Well, maybe ten seconds somewhere around the five minute mark. Keep him guessing. 


GUARD: Yes sir.


9/9/11
10:59 PM
DEEP TEN, DIRECTORS OFFICE
TRANSCRIPT BEGINS: 


*wall gets kicked down*

DIR. STRAFFER: What in the-

SPYGOD: I see your secretary wasn't kidding. There wasn't a door to this room. Hope you don't mind if I made my own...

DIR. STRAFFER: Are you insane? I'll have security all over you so fast-

SPYGOD: Don't bother. Your guards are all asleep and the robots don't work for you anymore.

DIR. STRAFFER: What?

SPYGOD: Didn't you hear me the first time? You don't have your security, anymore. It's just me and you and this room.

DIR. STRAFFER: Okay. Well, I'm not even going to ask how you got up here without us knowing about it.

SPYGOD: Trade secrets, mother!@#$. Kind of like this.

*tosses him a photo*

DIR. STRAFFER: What is this supposed to be?

SPYGOD: A very good satellite photo of the Flier, the day that the two-headed zebra got away from us.

DIR. STRAFFER: I can see the alien. This is from one of our platforms. How did you-

SPYGOD: Trade. !@#$. Secrets.

DIR. STRAFFER: Well, I don't see what the problem is. We got rid of your problem for you.

SPYGOD: Yes, you did. Now, look at the timestamp.

DIR. STRAFFER: And?

SPYGOD: It's from before we contacted you. A full five minutes before.

DIR. STRAFFER: Well...

SPYGOD: And I also have all these photos, here, of his falling to Earth and slipping into us, also from one of your platforms. So you were tracking it the entire time. So you knew about it the entire time.

DIR. STRAFFER: Alright then, so we did.

SPYGOD: And you sent that thing in... why?

DIR. STRAFFER: We didn't send it in. We knew it was there and wanted to see what it was going to to do.

SPYGOD: And you didn't feel like !@#$ telling me that we had a potentially hostile alien on board the Flier, sitting in on our meetings and stunning us all with its !@#$ conversational French skills?

DIR. STRAFFER: No. I knew that if it became belligerent you could deal with it. As it was, it was clearly operating with a very powerful person-to-person perception filter, which suggests it was there for reconnaissance only.

SPYGOD: Sabotage.

DIR. STRAFFER: I beg your pardon?

SPYGOD: We did a complete sweep of the Flier the next day. It spent the time it was there taking pictures of key areas and trying to implant spy equipment. Guess whose?

DIR. STRAFFER: One of your science terrorist groups?

SPYGOD: No.

*tosses an evidence bag*

DIR. STRAFFER: These are ours.

SPYGOD: Yes. They are.

DIR. STRAFFER: I didn't authorize the bugging of your Flier, SPYGOD. That would have been rude.

SPYGOD: No, you wouldn't. But not because it would have been rude. Because if you'd been caught, we'd be having this conversation in an airlock. With your skinny !@#$ hanging out in a vacuum-

DIR. STRAFFER: Ten inches.

SPYGOD: What?

DIR. STRAFFER: My penis is ten inches long. Uncut.

SPYGOD: Well, that's something I didn't know.

DIR. STRAFFER: I thought SPYGOD knew all? Anyway, now that we've got our respective !@#$ sizes out of the way, because I know how long yours is, Mr. Frequent Indecent Exposure, let's think about this.

SPYGOD: Yes. Let's. Who is trying to get us to fight each other, Straffer? Who put that alien up to doing this, knowing that you'd stand by and watch, which would make you look really !@#$ bad when I found the DAMOCLES bugs?

DIR. STRAFFER: Well, you've dealt with ABWEHR. GORGON is missing in action, but they were running their network through Deep Ten. HONEYCOMB?

SPYGOD: This isn't their style. No giant metal insects or clone soldiers. Besides, they'd probably just try and blow the Flier up.

DIR. STRAFFER: So. GORGON. Or a new player in town.

SPYGOD: Or something else. Something that doesn't want you looking out, or in.

DIR. STRAFFER: Because of course you'd beat me.

SPYGOD: Where's your security, Director?

DIR. STRAFFER: Good point. So something new's entered the game. What are we going to do about it?

SPYGOD: "We"?

DIR. STRAFFER: Yes. We. We're on the same side, SPYGOD. Our methods aren't too different. We're both happy to let others twist in the wind so long as we get what we need. And it's all about the bigger picture in the end. It's just that my picture is a !@#$ of a lot bigger than yours.

SPYGOD: ...

DIR. STRAFFER: I take it that's how they say "Yes, Director Straffer" on Planet SPYGOD?

SPYGOD: Yes, actually. It is. So how do they say "here's the truth about what was lying on the ocean floor and cost The COMPANY a !@#$ submarine" on Planet Straffer?

DIR. STRAFFER: You mean you don't know?

SPYGOD: No, I don't.

DIR. STRAFFER: Well, that makes two of us. SPYGOD. And that makes me pretty worried.

 (SPYGOD is listening to Absurd (Fluke) and having freeze dried coffee)