8/23/11 - Who Are the Lizard People in Your Neighborhood?

It's a boring day, and nothing happened except for that earthquake that didn't have anything to do with us fighting Underman, again.

I know what it sounds like, son, but you're just going to have to take it on faith that he didn't even get to use that fancy, tectonic-plate shattering superdrill of his this time around. That's because some patriotic citizen called us up with a tip when he saw the aforementioned superdrill parked outside a Dunkin Donuts. And by the time Underman came out with his pre-terror sugar and coffee supplies in hand, we'd already surrounded his portly, donut-stuffed !@#$ with enough firepower to turn him inside out about a million times over, to say nothing of that !@#$ science terror relic he still thinks can score him chicks when the Legion throws a mixer.

I tell you, the standards of science terrorists and supervillains has just gone down the toilet, recently. Is it too much to ask for for competent yet cartoony villainy that doesn't involve nasty leftovers from World War II?

Anyway, speaking of patriotic citizens, 1st Class SPYGOD SCOUT CJ Tremlett of Lansing, Michigan recently asked the immortal question: "Who all is actually a lizard person?" 

I told her, at the time, that the answer was way the !@#$ above her current paygrade, but that I'd see what I could do. "What I could do" is tell you a few things that may help answer the question on your own, without me having to come right out of my office with a metric !@#$ton of paperwork for her, her family, and her as yet unborn descendants, and her !@#$ cats to sign stating, effectively, that none of them will even think about thinking about thinking about the answer I might give, ever again, on pain of being grabbed off the street, kidnapped, and forced to watch Hee Haw reruns until all trace of memory goes away for good.

Hee Haw is !@#$ evil, kids. You can trust SPYGOD with that much, at least.

So, Lizard People. Yes, they are real. When I talk about the fact that there are several alien races currently living on the Earth at any given time, they are one of the ones we know about. 

In fact, we actually have a decent working relationship with them, given that they can't hide from us worth a !@#$. Their pathetic attempts to infiltrate the great royal families and power structures of the world all failed badly, centuries ago, and they've been relegated to dependent status ever since.

So, rather than telling you who is a lizard person, because we do value their privacy as long as they don't try to do anything stupid ever again, let me tell you how to detect them.

1: They don't blink. At all. Either that or they blink way too !@#$ much to make up for it. 

2: They smell a little funny. Like wet dog, only with scales. They often wear lots of cologne or perfume to mask the scaly dog smell, also, so this can be a dead giveaway.

3: Their skin looks way too perfect. This is because it is. They wrap themselves in vat-grown skin suits that were engineered from the finest families the world had to offer in an attempt to infiltrate them. The bad news is that it doesn't heal worth a !@#$ because they're essentially wearing a skin condom. So if you prick them, they'll bleed, and then wear a bandaid from now until doomsday, or until they can save enough lizard dollars to buy a new suit.

4: Some of them have never mastered the intricacies of human speech. Their sense of conversational timing is way the !@#$ off. Sometimes they pepper their conversation with phrases they think are appropriate, but really aren't. The last time I had an extended conversation with one, he kept slapping his knee and saying "breakfast cereal!" over and over. So I !@#$ him with my foot.

5: Lizards do not have human genitals. If you get one in the sack they won't know what the !@#$ they're doing, except from a sheer textbook standpoint. If they ask who gets to lay the clutch, you need to fake an emergency phone call and run. 

6: Oh yeah, and they're cold blooded, so playing havoc with the air conditioner will usually smoke them out. 

Lizard people can be found in numerous urban habitats. They usually hang out at places where they're only marginally welcome, trying to ingratiate themselves with up and coming folks who may or may not have a good idea as to who's a star!@#$, who's a friend in need, and who's a lizardman trying to hustle their way up the ladder. 

When in doubt, see if they'll open a tab for you, and keep the beer going into the wee hours of the morning. If it gets to be 4, and they still haven't complained about the four-figure tab, then you've got a lizard on the hoof. Turn up the heat, sneak off to the bathroom, jump out the window, and run like !@#$.

So yeah, Lizard People are harmless. It's the Spider People you have to watch out for, but I am in no mood to talk about those !@#$ tonight. I have a broken down super-drill to find a way to dispose of, and an aging, portly supervillain who needs some more donut holes crammed down his throat, Se7en-style.

Goodnight, sweet world. Goodnight.

(SPYGOD is listening to Eating Donuts (DJ Coone) and having some yummy coffee)