|The Crew of the Egress: Say Hello, Wave Goodbye|
(Front) Brightstarsurfergirl, Dr. Heila, Walker In/With the Darkness
(Middle) Hanami, Dir. Straffer, SPYGOD, Faraj al-Ǧazāʼir
(Back) Mr. Chaos, Myron, Dr. Fuller, Night Phantom (w/Glimmer)
(Way Back) Disparaitre
(art by Dean Stahl)
* * *
*cough* Yeah. Um, Is this !@#$ing thing on?
Yeah? You sure? *thump thump*
Oh... the red light, okay.
Alright then. Goooooooooooood morning, planet Earth!!!!
This is SPYGOD, speaking to you over every radio station, TV channel, and projected broadcast medium we could get our !@#$ing hands on.
Now, I sure hope we didn't interrupt anything too !@#$ important. But, you !@#$ing know how emergency broadcasts are. They happen, and usually when you're in the middle of something good.
!@#$, I remember I was in a movie theater watching Scanners when President Reagan got shot. I was just at the part where the guy's head blew the !@#$ up, too. So, of course, when they call me to tell me I need to get the !@#$ to Bethesda, you can imagine what's going through my !@#$ mind...
Oh, right. Sorry, planet Earth. My amazing boyfriend is telling me that I am !@#$ing rambling, again.
(It's a habit. I know....)
Anyway, I am broadcasting to you live from the good ship Egress, currently orbiting the god!@#$ moon along with all the leftover Apollo parts that someone !@#$ing forgot to pick up after landing. That and a few other things I'm really not supposed to be !@#$ing talking about. You know how that goes.
But, as fate would have it, that is a lot of what I have to talk to you about today, boys and girls. Things we aren't supposed to be !@#$ing talking about, much less even !@#$ing thinking about if we know what's good for us.
I'm talking secrets and lies, folks. Big !@#$ ones, too. The kind of things you get !@#$ing shot for telling people about, or just knowing.
Unfortunately, they're things that, as of right now, we have to !@#$ing talk about.
And there's things you really !@#$ing need to know.
Case in point, I'm sure a lot of you are pretty !@#$ shocked to be hearing from me at all. You all went to bed last night thinking that awful SPYGOD person was locked back up, again, in Neo York City. Right?
Well, surprise surprise. It takes a lot more than a !@#$ty apartment and a !@#$ton of Terre Unifee guards to keep me the !@#$ down. I'm proud to say I pretty much walked out of there, almost exactly when I intended to, and pretty much exactly how I'd planned.
And yeah, I'm sure that sounds like !@#$ing gloating? Well, you can sue my fine gay !@#$ when I get back to Earth, if you want to.
That is, of course, provided we get back to Earth at all.
Which is part of why I am talking to you, right now.
* * *
You see, boys and girls, you have been !@#$ing lied to for quite some time, now.
Well, maybe "lied to" isn't the right term. "Misled" might be more like it.
See, you remember when those Imago !@#$holes had us all under their control? And you remember how they told us that there was a big !@#$ spacemonster coming to get us?
Well, I'm sure you all know that they had no room to talk about space monsters. And since we threw them under the !@#$ bus, well, everyone's kind of forgotten that silly !@#$ they told us.
And who can blame you? They were genocidal !@#$wads who put their minds inside the bodies of retarded people, and used our kids like batteries.
And when push came to shove, well... we know what they were willing to do.
(Nuff !@#$ing said about that.)
Well, since then, a lot of people have been telling you that we are about to have some issues with outer space. Just not like that the Imago told us.
Mostly it's been sober astronomers and science guys, all smiling into the !@#$ cameras and telling you that, well, it's just !@#$ing possible that something might just be intersecting with our orbit in a few months or so.
And yes, if you press them, they might fess up that, yes, it's one of those planet killer things. Kind of like the one that John McClaine and Daredevil took out in that one !@#$ing movie.
But it's nothing too serious! Not really. Oh no. Just a thing, and we're working on it.
Well, we've got superheroes. And superscience! And weapons you normal !@#$heels in TeeVeeLand haven't even !@#$ing heard of, before now.
So yeah, just go back to your television and internet. Watch your shows, sneak some porn, go sign up for a !@#$ hookup with an ugly but desperate married stranger on that one site. Everything's going to be juuuust fine. Really.
I mean, !@#$, you know how many times the world's almost ended in your lifetime, alone? You'd run out of fingers and toes trying to count them all. And you'd go !@#$ing crazy trying to handle all that with the brainmeat you got between your ears.
Just relax, they'd say. Don't worry about it. We've got it all under control. Nothing to worry about.
Nothing. At. All.
Well, folks... that was a big !@#$ lie.
* * *
The truth is that, in this one !@#$ thing, the Imago were not !@#$ing lying.
If we've got an accurate reading on it, sometime in the next year Earth is going to be visited by something. Something huge. Maybe about the size of !@#$ing Jupiter.
Maybe even larger.
And reason no one can get an accurate size on this !@#$ thing is because, once it's close enough to really see, anyone who can see it apparently goes completely !@#$ing insane.
This thing isn't some asteroid we can just nuke on one side and nudge away before it !@#$ing gets here. It's too !@#$ big for that.
And it isn't the sort of thing we can really plan for, either. Because once we really see it? It'll be !@#$ing be on us inside of a !@#$ month.
And even if we did have the time to plan? It still isn't the sort of thing we can nudge away.
Because it's not just happening across our !@#$ path, folks. This thing isn't just on a !@#$ing collision course.
No folks. It's !@#$ing coming right for us.
Some of the more ancient beings we've encountered, over the years, refer to it as the Decreator. It's more commonly known as (Unintelligible Concept), but that doesn't make a whole lot of !@#$ing sense. And maybe we should be glad for that.
All we know for sure it that, when it gets here? The lucky people will just die. Maybe of fright, maybe of the sort of !@#$ that happens when a planet a lot larger than your own gets a little too !@#$ close for comfort.
Everyone else? They're going to be !@#$ing destroyed.
To see this thing is to die. Your brains turn to black !@#$ in your skull, and then blow the !@#$ out of your eyesockets. And somehow, in spite of all that? You're still !@#$ing alive and in pain.
And god!@#$ insane on top of it all
* * *
Now, you might well be asking "SPYGOD? How the !@#$ do you even know about this?" And that's a !@#$ good question.
The answer is that we have the testimony of someone who saw it happen. He managed to get to a place where it already happened, not knowing what the !@#$ he was heading into. Lucky for him, he got there just after it started heading the !@#$ away.
And lucky for us, he came back to tell the tale.
Unfortunately, he's no longer able to take questions. He had a bit of a debt hanging to someone, and, well, he paid it. That's enough !@#$ing said about that.
But what we do need to talk about, here, is the fact that we don't meet this !@#$ thing out there, in the black, before it gets too close?
Well, then the Earth is dead, folks. That's all there is to it.
And I know you've grown up in a world where this kind of !@#$ has happened before. We've had alien conquerors show the !@#$ up before. Strange invasions. Surreal encounters. All kinds of big !@#$ weird menace that just sort of !@#$ing appears at 3 in the !@#$ AM on a Monday morning and decides to eat Mumbai.
I mean, you all !@#$ing remember THAT, right? I know I sure as !@#$ do. Let me tell you, boys and girls, THAT hurt.
But this is not THAT, folks. This is something that makes THAT look like some world-eater in a silly helmet who gets scared the !@#$ away by some weird-!@#$ sex toy in the hands of a human.
This is the apocalypse, folks. This is Armageddon wrapped up in Ragnarok with the Day of Four-Motion wrapped the !@#$ around that, and some sparkly Frashokereti sprinkles drizzled over the !@#$ top like bacon bits.
Not a fun scene, folks. Not at all.
* * *
So yeah, we have a problem. And it's a !@#$ big one, too.
Fortunately, we also have a solution. It's a long shot, but that's a !@#$ of a lot better than no shot at all.
Now, most of you probably remember that the Imago were building a giant spaceship, up here. They claimed they were going to use it to go fight this !@#$ thing?
Well, the truth is that they weren't going to do any such thing. In fact, they were going to use to to get the !@#$ away from it. They were going to load up as much of our preteen population as they could, burn !@#$ing rubber out of our solar system, and leave us to face it alone.
Now, they're gone. And I blew the !@#$ out of their !@#$ing space elevator, too. But the ship is just fine.
In fact, we've spent the last couple of months getting it into shape. Seeing what kind of propulsion it's got. What we can use for weapons.
And, if all else failed, what kind of weapons we could bring up from the surface and put right onto the ship.
Now, there's been another a lie that's been going on, but it's probably not one you would have heard. It's a lie that was told by certain elements within the Terre Unifee to other groups both inside and outside of it
That lie was that the ship was going to be used to defend the Earth.
Yes, I know that sounds !@#$ing shocking. I mean, if they weren't going to save the Earth, then what the !@#$ were they going to do with it? Beat New Horizons to !@#$ing Pluto?
Actually, no, boys and girls. They were going to take a !@#$ing page from the Imago. They were going to get on board the Egress with certain world leaders, and their families and friends, and say adieu to Earth.
And then they were going to leave us to !@#$ing rot.
Yes, you heard that right. Some of your TU-appointed National Facilitators were going to take the last train for !@#$ing Clarksville and leave you all to die. Screaming and in pain.
Now, there's a lot more I could say about that !@#$, right now.
I could tell you how those certain elements were linked up with !@#$ing European racist parties, all jockeying to get in on the ultimate White Flight away from the planet.
And I could tell you how they told the leaders of, shall we say, less white countries they could get in on the action, too, in exchange for aid and materials under the !@#$ing table, but had no !@#$ intention of letting them in on it at all.
And I could also tell you about all the super villains they turned into super heroes to help with this, all the crazy !@#$ they did to keep this under wraps, the fact that they started !@#$ing killing journalists to keep their !@#$ secret...
Yeah, I could waste your time and tell you all about that.
However, I am not. Because I have friends who have been very good about finding out all this information. And as soon as I'm done with my part of the show, they're going to pick up where I left off and tell you what's been going on these last few months.
No, boys and girls, I'm going to tell you about something else.
* * *
Long story short, this spacecraft, and this crew? We're going out there to stop that big !@#$ space monster from getting any further than !@#$ing Mars.
Now, I know that, given everything I've told you, that doesn't sound too comforting. !@#$, maybe it sounds like sending some kid with a !@#$ bb gun out to take down the sex-crazed, steroid-jacked mutant lion that escaped from the !@#$ zoo, ate half the police, and !@#$ed the other half to death.
But that's the big !@#$ plan, anyway. And we've got things to do it with.
We've got this amazing ship that the Imago built to take them across the !@#$ing galaxy from this thing. We've got heroes, scientists, and engineers from all over the !@#$ world. We've even got volunteers from Mars and !@#$ing Venus, ready to try and fight this thing the !@#$ off.
And sure, maybe all we need to have a plan is an actual plan. But those of you who've known me long enough? Well, you oughta !@#$ing know by now that I make my best plans on the !@#$ run, at the last minute, with all odds stacked so !@#$ high against me that you can't even see over them.
And that's why we're going to !@#$ing win, folks. Because of you. Because what we're leaving behind us is too !@#$ bright and beautiful for us to fail it. Too precious to lose.
That's Earth, folks. That's you.
So we're going to go and do this on a wing and a !@#$ prayer. Hopefully you'll be good enough to send some of your own that we can win this one. Or at least kiss your own !@#$es so !@#$ hard that God moves heaven and Earth to save them from this thing if we really can't pull it off.
Sometimes he really does listen. I ought to !@#$ing know.
* * *
But there's one other thing I really should !@#$ing talk about, before we take the !@#$ off. And that's a really !@#$ simple thing to say, but not so easy to explain.
So, the easy bit first. My trial? Consider it !@#$ing cancelled.
Oh, I'm !@#$ sure I probably deserve to be put on trial. Make no !@#$ mistake about that. I can't disagree that I screwed up when I was fighting against the Imago. I can't deny that I made some really !@#$ serious mistakes.
And I sure as !@#$ won't stand in front of you all and say that my actions, my plans, my ideas... all those things I said and did and plotted?
I can't stand here and honestly tell you that they all worked out for the best. Or that I always had everyone's best interests at heart when I rolled up my sleeves and went out to beat the !@#$ out of those metal-plated !@#$ers.
I was at war, folks. I prosecuted that war to the best of my ability. And yeah, I made mistakes. I took shortcuts. I worked my way through the !@#$ed impossible calculus of combat in the hopes of winning back the world.
And yeah, I won. We won. But we lost so !@#$ much.
And yes, I lost so much of that for you.
But here's the thing, folks. While maybe I should have my day in court? And maybe I should answer for my mistakes? Maybe even my crimes?
Well, the Terre Unifee are not the body that gets to try me.
As of right the !@#$ now, the United States of America is no longer under the authority of the Terre Unifee. A second American revolution has taken place. We have won our freedom, yet again.
And as a citizen of the United States of America, I refuse to submit myself to the justice system of an international organization that we just left.
It isn't just the revolution, folks. The TU is broken. I know it, you know it. And now that the vast and complicated chain of strategic talents they relied on to keep the world fed, heated, hydrated, and safe is falling the !@#$ apart, I think the gloss is going to come off the !@#$ hooker really !@#$ing quick.
I mean, !@#$, folks. The President, who you might remember used to be my !@#$ing boss? He hates me because of a certain decision I made, and then a thing I had to do. A terrible thing, yes, but something that had to be done.
I had to kill his daughter because she wasn't his daughter anymore. And what she had become...
Yeah, maybe that's a secret we can keep to ourselves for right now, folks. Sorry about that.
But bottom line? He's gone stark raving mad, up there in that pyramid of theirs. He's fixated on revenge. And while there's a lot of good people in his justice department? Well, some of that crazy's going to !@#$ing rub off, somewhere.
And it's going to taint the results like you would not !@#$ing believe.
* * *
In the meantime, here's how it !@#$ing is.
We're leaving orbit to go deal with this !@#$. We have teleporters with us. They may come back and forth to pick up supplies and !@#$.
They will not be !@#$ed with.
If any crazy !@#$ comes to hit Earth while we're gone? A very good friend and ally is in orbit, right now, piloting one of the most powerful pieces of cosmic god technology we've ever found on our planet. I wouldn't put their chances of getting through too !@#$ high.
Because no one !@#$s with him.
America will be choosing its leaders, soon. It will be reforming its government. And while I am gone, it is protected. Do not think otherwise.
You know the kind of people we have on our side.
If and when I get back, I may need to stand trial. But I am not going to submit myself to trial at the hands of the Terre Unifee.
If they even !@#$ing exist when we get back to Earth, when this thing is done? I'll gladly stand trial at the hands of a reliable third party.
!@#$, even if they don't exist? I'll stand trial, if you want me to.
Maybe I should be held accountable. And that's for you to decide.
But if I'm going on trial? Let it be a fair one. Let me lay out my side and hear yours.
Let me !@#$ed for the right reasons, or freed for the right ones.
That's all I ask. !@#$, I demand it. I am a free being and I have rights, same as you.
The same rights I fight for every !@#$ day I'm breathing.
And... while I'm at it? I'm demanding one other thing, folks.
You see, we're all willing to lay our lives down to save our world. But we'd really like that world to be worth saving, once in a !@#$ while.
So, since we might be gone a while, dealing with this thing? How about you take this opportunity to take a long, hard look at the world we're going to be protecting, and make it better?
Yes, boys and girls, you heard me. Fix. Your. !@#$.
Because if we're going to lay it all on the line for you, up here in the black? We want to come home to a world that actually acts !@#$ing grateful for a change.
That's about all I have to say. There's some other people who would like to talk to you, now. I suggest you listen to what they have to say, as it's the sort of thing that might help you decide which pile of !@#$ to throw away first.
Be seeing you.
* * *
Your eyes are like saucers
but mine are just clouded in gray
I've so much to tell
I've so much to tell
but I can't tell you just go away
Anyway, won't you stay?
Anyway, won't you stay?
* * *
Hey Kids! SPYGOD returns in two weeks with more wholesome fun for the whole family!
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