So where were we? Oh yes. Oldest living withered crone hosting a malevolent alien intelligence just outed yours truly in court. Everyone there's just wheeled around to look at my fine, gay !@#$, and all I can do is stare back and shrug... at least for a moment.
And then I realize exactly what she means. And it takes everyone there to keep me from pulling out the two guns they didn't !@#$ing confiscate and shoot the nasty !@#$ full of holes, right then and there.
* * *
SPYGOD: You !@#$ing genocidal whore! You !@#$ing !@#$headed smear of ET !@#$! I'm going to shoot you so !@#$ing full of lead they'll be picking !@#$ing pieces of you out of the walls in !@#$ing Norway, you withered... gah... (incoherent cursing)
Dir. Straffer: (REDACTED), this is no good. Please, calm down.
Judge: Order! There will be order, here!
Dark Star: (Maniacal, incoherent laughter)
Mr. USA: Stop it, (REDACTED). Please. It's alright.
SPYGOD: The !@#$ it is! She's the one! She's the one who !@#$ing set us up, (REDACTED)! She's the one who !@#$ing set us against each other-
Mr. USA: I know. We both know, now. Let her finish the story.
SPYGOD: I've !@#$ing heard enough-
Judge: If you have, indeed, heard enough, then perhaps you should leave the courtroom until we are ready for you to give testimony, Msr. SPYGOD.
Defense: If it would please the court, I would like to recommend he be removed entirely. I think we would be poorly served by letting a witness for the prosecution kill one of the defendants.
Winifred: Speak for yourself, !@#$face.
Judge: Young lady, you will be quiet-
Defense: Nothing he has to say is of any use to the conclusion of this trial, quite frankly. It can be entered into evidence without his presence.
Winifred: Speak for yourself, !@#$face.
Judge: Young lady, you will be quiet-
Defense: Nothing he has to say is of any use to the conclusion of this trial, quite frankly. It can be entered into evidence without his presence.
Prosecution: I respectfully disagree. I would really prefer to have him here.
Judge: Very well. If we are done trying to kill the defendant...?
SPYGOD: ... yes. I'm done.
Judge: Are you, msr. SPYGOD?
SPYGOD: I am, yes.
Judge: Are you, msr. SPYGOD?
SPYGOD: I am, yes.
Judge: Good. Then we shall take an hour's recess, and come back to this point. In the meantime, Msr. SPYGOD, I suggest you relinquish all your weapons before re-entering the courtroom. One more outburst of any kind from you, armed or not, and I will throw so many contempt charges upon you that you will wish you were sharing the defendants' fate. And that goes for you too, young lady.
SPYGOD: She'll behave herself, your honor. We all will.
Judge: See that you do. This court is adjourned.
SPYGOD: She'll behave herself, your honor. We all will.
Judge: See that you do. This court is adjourned.
* * *
Oh yeah, that was embarrassing as !@#$. I really don't like people to know that I have those guns, any more than I like them knowing about the sword, or a few other nasty !@#$ tricks I've got up my sleeve.
As for self control issues, well, !@#$, son, we just listened to that !@#$ cackle about eating the world's children for fuel and running their parents' electric cars on the overflow current. If anything, everyone in that courtroom should have been pulling out hidden weapons and carving the !@#$ up like it was !@#$ing Christmas.
(Especially Winifred. After what she went through I'd have !@#$ing applauded if she'd grabbed one of my pieces and let the !@#$ have it.)
(Especially Winifred. After what she went through I'd have !@#$ing applauded if she'd grabbed one of my pieces and let the !@#$ have it.)
But yes, I bet I know what you're thinking. How the Prosecution just sort of rolled the !@#$ over, there? Well, it will be important, later. But for now let's go on with the big !@#$ story, here.
So they let us out, and I hand over my guns like a naughty schoolkid who got caught with a paper airplane. Then we all go downstairs, and the first thing my boyfriend asks me is "how many things?"
And I say "A whole !@#$ing room."
A minute or two later I'm !@#$ing smashing tables, windows, and computers in a small room no one's using. Straffer's in the room, watching to make sure I don't go out of control, and the Owl's outside, running sonic interference. Everyone else is off getting coffee or a smoke or !@#$ knows what.
And I smash and crash and break and wreck !@#$ing everything in there until I can finally stop seeing red, and start breathing regular again. And then I'm two seconds away from needing the mother of all drunks to !@#$ing kick in and knock my brain back from thinking. But fortunately Straffer's there to smack some sense into me and tell me I'm no good to anyone if I'm blasted out of my mind and hallucinating, again.
Yes, it involves the mother of all kisses, son. And thank !@#$ he's good at those.
Yes, it involves the mother of all kisses, son. And thank !@#$ he's good at those.
So we brush off as much of the sawdust and plaster flecks as will come loose, I wash up in the men's, and we get the !@#$ out of there before anyone walks in and has the mother of all freak-outs at what happened to a large room full of innocent office stuff.
Then we're all back upstairs, and I'm back in the courtroom with that nasty, withered !@#$, again. And she's just looking at me, quietly cackling.
And I know we're in for a good time, now.
* * *
Prosecution: So, to begin again? You said that SPYGOD was the one who told you that this... I'm not certain how you say it-
Dark Star: (UNINTELLIGIBLE CONCEPT), human.
Prosecution: Yes. That. He told you it was coming?
Dark Star: Yes, he did. And he was not alone-
Prosecution: Is that man in this courtroom?
Prosecution: I am not certain what you mean.
Dark Star: There's this SPYGOD, here, who at least has the courage of his convictions. And then there is another SPYGOD. Someone you have not met, perhaps, but someone you have seen.
Prosecution: And when have we seen him?
(GASPS)
Dark Star: ...except that was not the President, either. Except that it was.
Prosecution: I do not understand...?
Defense: This is new to me as well. We did not discuss this.
Prosecution: And how are they?
Dark Star: Quite hideous. I think I will spare you the details, given how poorly you took the truth about what we did to you, for all those months.
Prosecution: And what is your connection to this world? This Alter-Earth?
Dark Star: A very complicated one, now. Initially it was so much simpler. We had each had information that the other wanted. But then we took advantage of a coincidence too great to leave alone, and then things became rather... baroque, for want of a better word.
Prosecution: You have our full attention, I assure you.
Dark Star: In the early 1950's, we were clandestinely approached by two individuals, both claiming to speak for their world. A man and a woman, both possessed of a fierce intelligence and very savage appetites. They had actually been here for at least a decade before, she infiltrating certain circles within America's Strategic Talents, and he lurking in the background, keeping an eye on certain developments.
Prosecution: Certain circles? Could you be more specific?
Dark Star: When she surrendered to the Allies, after your second World War, she claimed to be Dr. Gertrude Hoffstatler. I believe you know her better as Dr. Geri Yesterday?
Prosecution: The wife of the late Dr. Robert Yesterday? The one you took over and turned into, the Motion, was it?
Dark Star: The same.
* * *
Now, right about now, Mr. USA and I are !@#$ing looking at each other. And neither of us is wanting to say what this means.
You'll remember that, a long !@#$ing time ago, I told you that Gertrude was the conjoined twin of Gerde Hoffstatler, who learned a lot of sick !@#$ at the vivisection lab of Dr. Josef Mengele. Gerde who vanished after the War only to show up later as the !@#$ing leader of HONEYCOMB. Gerde who then spent way too much !@#$ing time telling us how we really should just accept her crazy-!@#$ ideas of a perfect planet, under her rule.
But then, we only had Gertrude's word to go on that, now didn't we? That Gerde had a conjoined twin was a matter of record, given the exactitude of German pre-war records. But could we be so !@#$ing sure that the Gertrude we knew was the actual twin?
Think about it, son. For all we know, the nasty scar on her back could have been self-inflicted. Or maybe there was a Gertrude and Gerde over on Alter-Earth, and they were separated as well? What would have stopped her from killing the real Gertrude at some point and taking her place?
And it's not like we actually got the !@#$ing chance to interrogate Gerde, now did we? Crazy !@#$ jumped to a nasty, atomic death the second she realized the main H.I.V.E. was compromised, back during OPERATION BUGSMASH.
So that was our little mind!@#$, right there. The nice person who made cookies, talked sense into her crazy!@#$ husband the mad scientist, and actually did the real brainwork when her hubby couldn't figure out what to do was actually an evil twin, all along.
And that meant that she'd had access to !@#$ing everything all along.
So we looked at each other, and the look he gave me was something along the lines of "We need to talk, later."
And mine said "You're god!@#$ !@#$ing right."
Back to the front of the courtroom:
* * *
Prosecution: And who was the other?
Dark Star: At first, we did not know. She said he was her protector, and he did not care to speak. But we soon came to realize that he was as much a part of the venture as she was. He just preferred not to converse with her in front of us, so they could conspire and have their lies well-prepared.
Prosecution: So these were not trustworthy allies?
Dark Star: Far from it. On Alter-Earth, duplicity is the norm. To be honest is to be weak. And weakness is destroyed, along with the weak.
Prosecution: I see. So you eventually discovered that this man was SPYGOD's... twin?
Dark Star: Yes. The same man, in most respects, but just slightly different.
Prosecution: Similar enough to be able to kill the American President on television and have others believe it was him?
Dark Star: Similar enough to pass any number of mental and physical scans, so that there was no doubt amongst America's Strategic Talents that SPYGOD was the culprit.
Prosecution: But that would not come until much later. What did they come to you for, and with, initially?
Dark Star: A cooperative project, designed to save both of us from the onslaught of (Unintelligible Concept).
Prosecution: And how did they know of it?
Dark Star: Their parallel had also been visited by a reflection of it, roughly a million of their years ago. Unlike this world, records of that time survived, handed down from the advanced race that once lived on that world and was destroyed by nascent humanity, there. They knew it was coming, and had some ideas on how to stop it. But they needed access to our world to see if their plans had merit.
Prosecution: Why?
Dark Star: Two reasons. This world is actually going to be the first one visited, by a factor of a year and three months. They hoped to see if their device worked here, first, before trying it on their world. And, as we later learned, were also quietly planning to move their own people over here once the thing had been and gone, in case the device did not work. That way they could either wait here for their world to be ravaged, and then return, or else rebuild on this new Earth.
Prosecution: And the other reason?
Dark Star: Apparently, when our world was visited, it was not ravaged as badly as theirs was. There was something here that kept it from being completely annihilated, and drove it off, to an extent.
Prosecution: Which something was that?
Dark Star: That is not known, even to us. But we know it has something to do with the structure in ABWEHR's Antarctic redoubt, which you call the Ice Palace. The answer lies within the Chamber, and she had quite a bit of access to it, once your SPYGOD took control of it, and after, once it was just her and Dr. Yesterday and the United Nations watching over it.
Prosecution: And did she discover what she needed to know?
Dark Star: That is the strange thing. She never told us. After she shot Dr. Yesterday, thus denying us a total copy of his mind and inventive skills, she left us.
Prosecution: Now why would she do that?
Dark Star: We do not know. We tried to get her protector to tell us why, but he claimed ignorance. He said that this was just her way, and that if she fouled up our plans it was doubtlessly for a good purpose. And as a sign of his good faith, such as it was, he continued on with the plan to replace the American president, and kill the replacement on live television, thus discrediting SPYGOD and keeping him from stopping us.
Prosecution: And this plan was yours?
Dark Star: It was. We needed him out of the way, you see. We knew that, if he knew what we had planned, and what we really were, he would stop at nothing to destroy us. We initially thought we could wait to do this, of course, but then he decided to go on the offensive, after decades of a somewhat pathetic stalemate. So we had to advance our plans, and perhaps this was too much too fast for Geri's liking? We do not know.
Prosecution: What else did this plan entail?
Dark Star: Oh, many years of small things. Once we realized that her protector was the near-exact duplicate of SPYGOD, we decided to have some fun. There were many times that he was less than sober, thanks to his personal failings. On those times, we would sometimes have him pretend to be him, and do strange and unsettling things to make him seem less reputable an individual. And since he would not remember these things, he could not say whether he'd done them and forgotten, or not. And he'd either deny it, or blame it on mind control. (evil cackle)
Prosecution: Well, that's quite diabolical-
Dark Star: Oh, that's nothing. When we learned that Mr. USA and SPYGOD had been feuding since World War II, we decided to make certain that America's most powerful superhero was also neutralized.
Prosecution: What...? How?
The Owl: What?
Dark Star: We found out his darkest secret, and used it against him. And we had our SPYGOD call him up, and threaten to take full advantage of it, if he didn't do what we wanted.
Prosecution: And what did you have him do-
Mr. USA: I killed people.
(Gasps)
Judge: Sir, you are out of order.
SPYGOD: (REDACTED) Sit down and shut up.
Mr. USA: I sat on my hands and did nothing while terrible things were going on. I looked the other way and let them do whatever they wanted. I remained silent, though I wanted to scream. And I betrayed my world, my nation, my oaths, and my friends.
SPYGOD: Oh god...
Mr. USA: And I did it all for love, which is pretty sad when you think about it.
Dark Star: Yes, it is. (maniacal laughter)
* * *
And that was the end of that day's worth of testimony.
And the end of a few other things, besides.
(SPYGOD is listening to Kiko (Dead Can Dance) and having a Tenebreuse)
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