So no, son. We're not !@#$ing dead. Not yet, anyway.
They tried, though. I'll !@#$ing give them that. A big !@#$ station platform full of !@#$ing Specials armed with !@#$ing alien gauss rifles, and all of them aimed at the express train. I bet that was the !@#$ing highlight of their year, shooting a bunch of unarmed civilians who couldn't have shot back if they'd wanted to.
All just to get me.
I could go on, son. I could talk about how it's a bad !@#$ing thing that they know I'm back, now. I could talk about how they probably know why I'm here, and might even know who I've got along for the !@#$ ride. And if I really get !@#$ing wound up, I might be able to talk all about how this has essentially !@#$ed my plan right in the !@#$ eye, and out the !@#$ ear.
I could, but I'm too !@#$ tired right now. Too tired, too drunk.
Mostly, I'm angry at myself. I really should be angry at the President for not handling his Harold better. He should have been !@#$ing watching him more closely, and making sure he didn't come into extended contact with the enemy, or anyone we couldn't !@#$ing identify.
But maybe I didn't really cover the finer !@#$ points of this kind of work with him when I brought him up to speed. Maybe I was too busy teaching him to shoot guns and dodge knives, and forgot how much of what we actually do gets done before you draw steel and throw the !@#$ down.
Maybe I was having too much !@#$ fun getting to smack my former boss around to really teach him what he was going to need to know for the big !@#$ plan I was making.
But you know what they say, son. A bucket of maybes ain't worth a !@#$ fact. And the !@#$ fact is that the Imago know I'm back on Earth, alive, and on the move. And that's going to make all this a lot more !@#$ interesting, and maybe a lot !@#$ing quicker than I'd like.
Still, nothing to do now but wait. They probably figured out by now that I was not on that train when it pulled in. They probably also figured that the ex-President of Russia was not amongst the poor human kibble they scraped out of what was !@#$ing left of that train. So they're probably combing the city, looking for us. And that means that it's not safe to stick our heads up, right now.
Fortunately, Yekaterinburg, being a former closed city and Soviet military hot spot, has big !@#$ secrets buried under its more obvious secrets. And one of those big !@#$ secrets is that there's underground tunnels running all over the !@#$ place, most of which they probably !@#$ing know about, already, but some of which no one has any !@#$ing idea exist at all.
And that's because the people who knew about them aren't really !@#$ing around to talk about them, anymore. All courtesy of the Soviet Union's rather heavy-handed way of dealing with secrets, loose ends, and potential loose lips.
So of course, the man I've been dragging around since Moscow knows, seeing as how he's one of the people who dealt with the other people who !@#$ing knew. And I know, because I'm !@#$ing SPYGOD and that's my !@#$ job.
But just imagine that, son. It's the !@#$ing end of the Soviet Union, the military that isn't involved in the coup or the counter-coup is falling apart like river ice in the springtime, and there's a !@#$-ton of secrets that need to be kept forever. And because of that, a whole lot of files have to be shredded, a lot of computer tape unwound and burned, and a lot of people made as quiet as the !@#$ grave.
Stone cold? !@#$ right, son. Any time something like that happens you have to be, or else all you worked for is going to go up in smoke.
Of course, they'll all say they'll never !@#$ing talk. But that's bull!@#$, son. Sooner or later someone always !@#$ing talks. They need money, or they want recognition, or fame. Or maybe someone gets a hold of them or their families and !@#$ing make them talk, which is never a good thing for anyone.
And that's why half of having a Harold is knowing when to violently end the working arrangement.
I mean, let's put it this way, son. You remember when I talked about
Harolds? What I might not have made clear is that the only !@#$ way
they're probably ever going to leave the spy game is in a !@#$ing
coffin. And that's provided they can !@#$ing find enough of them to
Not that it's an absolute, big !@#$ !@#$ing guarantee, though. Nothing in life is, other than death and !@#$ing taxes.
there is just a chance that a Harold will never be activated. And if he
is, there's nothing to say that it won't be just once or twice, and
then he'll never hear from his !@#$ing handler again. And even if his
handler decides to run him down like a !@#$ing farm nag, or get him to
do something that's so massively illegal and career destroying that
you'd normally have to !@#$ing pay someone a couple million dollars for
it, he might just get away with it.
But it's a lot more likely that Harold's going to be !@#$ing stupid
and pay for it. He'll talk in his sleep, or try to fess up to his !@#$
boss. He'll try to sell his !@#$ story for cash, or he'll blab to his
!@#$ wife or his !@#$ing girlfriend or the part-time leather weasel he
sees for some down-low action on the side, and they'll sell him out. Or
maybe take too much !@#$ing initiative, or try and change the rules, and
!@#$, son, he may just manage to hold it together long enough to do what you need, and then get sloppy, or just get caught.
And after that? He's !@#$ed.
If you're !@#$ lucky, then
he'll just got shot, stabbed, poisoned, or drowned in a river while
trying to !@#$ing get away. And if you're not !@#$ lucky, he'll get
caught, which will mean he'll be !@#$ing tossed in a hole, somewhere.
And then they'll start !@#$ing interrogating him. And maybe they'll be
straight-shooters and try and talk sense to him, and make him promises
about seeing his wife and kids, and maybe getting him life in prison
instead of shot, hung, or gassed like a !@#$ rat.
But it's more likely they'll start what you might call "enhanced
interrogations," which is a nice way of saying "do everything short of
leaving a !@#$ physical mark." Waterboarding his sorry !@#$, or putting
him in "extreme stress positions." That kind of !@#$.
And if that doesn't work, then they'll hit him in the face, just to
show him they mean business. And then they'll pulling his !@#$
fingernails out, zapping his !@#$ with a taser, or going at his knees
and knuckles with a steel baseball bat. Maybe even ship his !@#$ to some
other country that specializes in doing even worse things, especially
if they don't want his !@#$ blood on their kid gloves, much less their
(And yes, son, I remember what I said about torture being a !@#$ ineffective way of getting information from people. But that's me. Other
people are not so !@#$ing enlightened, which is why so many
intelligence agencies are a !@#$ing contradiction in terms.)
And that, son, is where Harold is going to !@#$ing wind up, in the
end. Either dead trying to escape, or dead in a dungeon in some rathole
in a country no American can find on a !@#$ map, much less know the name
of. And if he doesn't die there, after a few years, he'll be !@#$ing
begging for it.
Which is why every handler should be ready, willing, and able to do
his or her Harold the supreme favor of ending his or her life as cleanly
and humanely as possible. Preferably something really !@#$ quick and
!@#$ing explosive, both so they won't feel it and the enemy won't find
out what he was up to, courtesy of a lack of eyes and brains.
I mean, I hope the President didn't have any mealy-mouthed, liberal
illusions of us all going our separate ways, waving goodbye like a
family going on a boat to America, and leaving China in that guy's hands
after we were !@#$ing done with him. Especially that !@#$ing worm.
Sooner or later he'd try and get leverage over us, and blackmail us with
what he knows, and what we asked him to do.
And if he didn't the people who !@#$ing replaced him sure as !@#$ would.
hope he didn't think that, but I'm !@#$ sure a small part of him does.
Thankfully, I've taken certain steps, just in case he can't do what's
necessary, or just won't.
And with any luck, he won't have to tell me, and I won't have to know.
like he won't have to know about what's going to happen tomorrow, when
the ex-President of Russia and I go to where we're going, and get what
we came for. Because when I am done there, and have what I need, this
sorry son of a !@#$ing !@#$ is going to get ended as unclean and slow as
time will allow.
Not because I don't trust this piece of !@#$ wrapped in stolen human skin to not betray me, but because I owe Boris that much, as well as a lot of other people.
And I'm not going to lose any !@#$ing sleep over it, either. He's had this coming for a long !@#$ing time.
But then, so have we all, son.
And !@#$ me, so have I.
(SPYGOD is listening to Carnage Visors (The Cure) and having a bottle of Billionaire Vodka he stole from dead Russians. Because !@#$ you.)