Sunday, January 15, 2012

1/10/12 - Talking with the President


"Yes, what? Yes, this is he.

"Oh, the President? Yes, I'll hold. Not for long, though. Don't make me do something !@#$ unforgettable with this phone and my !@#$.

"Hello, Mr. President. How are you? Oh, good to hear. Yes, I'm just fine. Just fine.

"Explosions? Oh, you can hear them? Yeah, we're playing Detonation.

"Really? Oh, it's fun. It's what you do when you have a bunch of captured munitions you can't really bring back with you and don't want left lying around. You blow them the !@#$ up.

"Yep, absolutely. Same in every war, really. We just get a little more creative with the blowing up. Hence why it's a game.

"I see. Yes. I'm glad the President of Costa Rica is taking such a keen interest in our work out here. You have asked him if he was taking a keen interest in what was going on out here before we got here, right? When HONEYCOMB was !@#$ camping out in his own backyard?

"No? Well that's a little surprising. Disappointing, too, to be honest. I mean, he keeps sending envoys over, every !@#$ day I might add, just to see what stage we're at. I find it hard to believe he didn't exercise the same concern when a !@#$ science terrorist outfit was operating out of here.

"Yes, you're probably right sir. They'd have !@#$ killed him, alright. I guess it's good to know we have a President who knows how to stay alive, at least.

"Well, you can assure the President of Costa Rica, though our wonderful American ambassador to Costa Rica, that we'll be wrapping up operations here soon. Yes, we're almost done, sir. We just have a few more things we have to shore up and then we'll be gone.

"Yes, that is good news. I'm sure the hotel manager here in Riu Guanacaste is looking forward to the day that he doesn't have to wake up and find out a gay orgy's broken out in the pool. Or a barfight in the game room. Or a game in the bar. Whatever. Things get a little out of hand, sometimes.

"Oh, yeah. I was wondering when you might mention that, sir. As a matter of fact we have had a few phone calls from some of the people who want your job. Yes, sir. Yes.

"No, sir. No. It wouldn't be appropriate for me to pick sides. I serve at the pleasure of the President, and that's you. It's not my job to help pick your replacement, or urge others to choose one. That would be a really !@#$ thing for me to do.


"Well, yes, I did sort of intimate to my Agents that it might not be a bad thing if certain photographs of some of those candidates came to light. I did not, and would not, order them to place them up on certain web sites, or leak them to certain bottom-feeding members of the Washington press corps. But yeah, I might have said that if they had any in the files, it might not be a terrible thing if they got out into the hands of the electorate.

"Yes, sir. I know. I know, I know, I know. But to my credit, you know that I am very bipartisan when it comes to such things. In fact, I think you might remember that, back when you were running the office, I had a few of your fellows embarrassed in a similar fashion.

"Yes, that one guy and his dirty little secret. Aren't we just glad he didn't make it too far in the running? I know Bob Kerry is.

"Oh, your Secretary of State? Well, come on, sir. It's no secret. Everyone in Washington knows it except for her !@#$ husband, apparently, and we know how he spends his time.

"Yes, sir. Vegan chicks, now. A lot skinnier. Which is too bad. I really liked the last one. I figure if you're going to be a dog you should go for someone with hips.

"Yeah, true. Not my cup of tea. Let's not get into that.

"Alright, so you are giving me a direct order to not have my Agents embarrass your opponents? Well, alright. I will do that, sir. Anything else?

"Oh. Well, you have to admit... okay. Okay, yes sir. Yes sir. I will see the manager of the hotel gets his wig back. Even if he does look a lot better as a slaphead than with that dead mutt on his head.

"He's the President's cousin's uncle's cousin's next door neighbor? !@#$, what the !@#$ is this, the Middle East?

"Okay, okay. I'll give it back. I'll even !@#$ clean it. Anything else?

"GORGON. Well...

"We're working on it. Tell them that. They should know what that means by now.

"No, I am not timing those explosions to sound more ominous, sir. That's just dumb luck. 

"Yes, always good talking with you, Mr. President. I'll bring you some interesting suds next time I'm up."


(SPYGOD is listening to Telephone (Lady Gaga) and having a Detonation Ale)

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